Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Searching (psyche)

She is everywhere, in silhouettes of fuzzy women in long black coats, deceiving
red haired fringes and fleeting forms in the corner of my eye. She is ephemeral,
slipping from and into the nothingness of my desperately seeking mind.

I fantasise about joining her in death: a car accident, a stabbing
in a dark alley, a terrorist bombing with only one casualty.
It is always a solitary death, just like hers. These are not suicidal thoughts,
only a little daydreaming of a fortune-brought ending to my daily torture.

I would join her in a state of passive mind, consciousness shed,
forever dying but never dead. We'd slowly drift into the Park of asphodels, quick
phantoms sipping on sweet honeydew remembrance, loosely holding on to
the memory of a missed corporeal coexistence.

The closest place to death I can get to is sleep and sleep is my only desire.
I am comforted by these words.


  1. I have been trying for about an hour now to write something that would make you feel better. I thought I could tell you about my aunt and uncle, to make you feel you are not alone. They have been suffering for year from delusions, psychosis and mania attributed to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and my family is suffering with them. I though I could tell you how I comfront my own depression by looking at contemporary heroes who overcome impossible situations. This reminds me things could be worse, and that nothing is insurmountable.

    But I will not pretend I understand. Through your writings I can perceive but a quantum of your pain. I wish there were magic words I could say to make that pain go away. But there aren't.

    All I can say is this: it will pass. It takes time, but it will eventually pass. I know right know you are feeling a vast emptiness. That emptiness is filling you, keeping everything else out. You need to let go. It is difficult, and it takes time. But you need to slow start making room in your heart for all the beautiful things this world has to offer. There are wonders to be seen and beautiful moments to live. There is the seduction of creativity (which I am sure you are well aware of), the joy of friendship, the excitement over new discoveries and inventions!

    But above all, love.

  2. Thanks for writing, it feels very warm and comforting when someone recognises your pain, people should do that more often for each other. It is impossible to express or share all this pain, but the creative outlet really helps and of course with great pain comes great inspiration. All I can say about your aunt and uncle is to recognise their pain and treat them with the utmost respect. I wish your family great strength and again, thank you so much you're a wonderful person.