Tuesday, 27 October 2009


A hard time to be. A time of many internal conflicts and many uncertainties. A time of confusion, awkwardness and radical change. One of those mega down times in the cycle of the huge yo-yo we call life. 

My world view has been shattered. I find myself torn between teleology and naturalism. What a stupid dilemma. I have completely lost my connection to the spiritual. I read back at my old astral-orientated entries and they look to me like ramblings of a mad man. The similarity to my mother's ramblings is remarkable, yet I have never been manic. What was the meaning of that extremely spiritual period I had been through? A chemical imbalance in the brain or a true connection with the otherwordly? Is there a difference between the two? Having seen my mum enter states of hyper-religiosity it is hard for me now to see my own experiences as authentic. 
Having lost my connection with her I seem to have lost a connection with everyone. Everything and everyone feel so alien. I have gone from empathy to apathy. I look at people and I see blanks. I can only feel small sparks from the people dearest to me: polz, gers, irene, dad, charles. I am clearly blocked. My communication centre is completely closed. I can barely talk or share anything. I am constantly and continuously sad. Waking life feels like a dream. It feels unreal and very slow. Days feel like centuries. Repetitive centuries – every day is the same. I find it very hard to get involved or care about everyday life and social interaction. All I want is to sleep. Only sleeping has become a nightmare. Anxiety dreams, horror dreams and mum-related dreams is all I have.

I have been through all this before with one major difference. Something is missing from my world. A void so huge has been left behind that I feel completely empty. I will slowly fill in this void with myself and until then I have to make sure it remains as clean as possible from negativity. I have to be patient. I have been crashed so many times in the past and have managed to rebuild myself, and so I will rebuild myself once more. I will surely come out of this stronger than ever, maybe even get my good spirits back once again. If something bad happens again I have to deal with it consciously. I shall not let myself unconsciously enter the loop again. I have to be always vigilant, awake and aware of my own responses and the things happening around me instead of passively taking everything. Easier said than done, but if there is something I learned is that people, including myself go through the motions of life and let themselves be carried by the stream of events around them. Only in retrospect can they see what happened, what they did and what they could have done. Of course you can never predict events, and life works in such a way that it takes you with it. If only there was a way to look at the system from a different perspective but without detaching yourself from all the important internal processes. To be continuously conscious of the internal and the external at same time, to have a birds-eye view of everything yet be inside every molecule – now that is a truly spiritual state. Perhaps all I am describing is a wake-up call. A call to let go of previous, negative or unnecessary patterns, a call to give birth to a brand new mrk. 

It is too early for me to make sense of everything that happened – let alone all the things I am thinking. What I know is that I have to venture into the internal world, and take a good, long hard glance at myself inside out.

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