Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Partial Acceptance

She is gone. I will never see her again. Acceptance. This is the general message from the guide to bereavement from suicide by the nhs. It has been lying around on my desktop for quite a while now, and everytime I read it, I find myself relating to it more and more. The first time I read it, I couldn't even go past the contents page. The second time I found I was going through some of the standard experiences listed in the document, especially shock, numbness, guilt, despair but still it was too painful to read the whole thing. Today I finally read it and found that I have gone through every stage and emotion listed in there. I was relieved to see that what is listed as "searching" - which involves seeing the dead person everywhere and thinking that you may be going mad - is a normal symptom. 

Most notably the only emotion I have experienced the least is anger. I simply cannot feel angry towards a person that was going through so much pain. I can barely live with the pain I am experiencing now, so I cannot even imagine how she even survived through all that before putting an end to it. I have never once thought how could she do this to us or try to find an answer to why she did it, things that Irene has suffered through. 

Everyone deals with it in their own way, and just like the nhs guide says I do find it very hurtful when people tell me what I should be feeling or doing, giving me advice or even worse, judging, as if they can possibly know what I am going through. I know people are just trying to be helpful but out of ignorance they might say the worst things. Again just like the nhs says there is nothing you can say really besides I am there for you and that is what I want and can only hear. I have probably only heard that once and it felt so warm inside. Mostly it has been ignored as people feel too awkward and don't want to upset me. It is funny though how the most typical phrases like I am sorry for your loss or our thoughts are with you and your family are also the most comforting. Basically the key is to keep it simple, any further analysis or advice can be just risky. The few people that I know that have lost a parent, including one that has lost a mother by suicide have told me the most beautiful and comforting things, the right things. I am nearing acceptance that is for sure. I will soon accept that she's gone and I will spend the rest of my life missing her. I am tired.



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