Tuesday, 9 August 2005

Voices in my head

The Informers
From Michael Talbot’s Holographic Universe: “When the main focus of a person’s consciousness is on the material world, the frequencies of their energy field tend to be in the lower range… 250 pcs… people who are psychic or who have healing abilities have frequencies of roughly 400 pcs to 800 pcs… people who can go into trance and apparently channel other information sources through them, skip these ‘psychic’ frequencies entirely and operate in a narrow band between 800 pcs and 900 pcs. They don’t have any psychic breadth at all… they’re up there in their own field. It’s narrow. It’s pinpointed, and they are literally almost out of it.” This group of people is what I call “The Informers” and I believe to be one of them.

Chicken voices in my head
This is as exciting as frightening for me. I have had the ability to channel information since I was a child sometimes willingly and sometimes completely unconsciously. When I am inspired to create something, a work of art, a drawing, a piece of prose etc., I feel the inspiration flowing through me in a very orderly fashion, in the appearance of sequential images almost like a movie. I feel that someone is dictating this information to me, someone from a higher level, perhaps a super-me, and this dictation, although very structured and non-whimsical, cannot be explained in human terms. It is like I perceive it in a higher state of mind, and then it is filtered through the much inferior brain, that only manages to pick bits and pieces that are then further filtered into even less refined works of art etc. The scary part is that whenever I have one of these inspirational revelations, I also get sound effects that come with the images. This is no divine music or a choir of angels in the conventional way, but it sounds more like the high pitched screams of a female person, that are infinitely echoed so that it sounds like a thousand women screaming in my head. I have given a lot of names to these voices, such as “the chicken voices in my head” (from Radiohead’s Paranoid Android) and the woman, that I consider my muse since she always accompanies these inspirations, is called Sarah for various weird reasons.

When I was a child I would listen to these voices very frequently, sometimes their duration could span a whole day and they would even continue during my sleep, which led to my chronic insomnia. As a child I was very afraid of these inexplicable voices and of course I was equally afraid to tell anyone. I once told mother which she dismissed as ‘nothing’. When I was around 10, the voices stopped and I stopped creating. I don’t know which came first, but I think it was due to my own decision that I was worthless as a creator that brought the voices to an end. Soon I was convinced that they were the imaginings of a child, and completely forgot about them. 5-6 years later, I resume creation with a vengeance – I am writing prose and poetry, I paint, illustrate, sculpt and photograph – I start writing my own cosmologies, religious theories etc. Suddenly one day as I am taking pictures of a quite mediocre sculpture of a shamanic Eskimo mask I had made, Sarah also returns with a vengeance. Her voice is so intense and deafening I can barely stand on my feet, so I lie down and try to make it go away. I instantly recognise what it is and get an extensive flashback of my childhood and my experiences with it. The intense screams settled after half an hour, but the echo remained. This echo is very important as it may last for hours, and it completely distorts any external sound, making music for example, unbearable to listen to.

Obviously, I thought I was mad and if not mad, then definitely possessed by the devil, since this was no pleasant sound. Every time it would commence, I would cry and beg her to go away, but she would only leave whenever she saw fit, I had no control whatsoever. After many visits, I realised that Sarah would only emerge when I was close to making an inspirational breakthrough. When I have a very vague thought-idea-image in my head it’s like a knot tightly tied in my brain and then suddenly BAM it’s untied and opens up to release the sequence of images and ideas that I will later create – this is what I mean with inspirational breakthrough. And Sarah always seems to appear in these occasions. Thing is, she will choose to appear only in certain inspirations, and when she does appear, I now consider it a good sign, something like a ‘thumbs up’ to what I am doing.

Because of the punctuality of her appearances, that is, she only appears in these moments of creativity and not in any other random moment, I have deduced that I am not as mad as I think (maybe partly) but also perhaps partly gifted. I prefer to view it again as the sides of the same coin, I am as mad as I am gifted since they’re the same thing in the end of the day.

Super-me

Besides Sarah, I have contact with yet another ‘informer’ that I regard as my Super-Ego (see Freud). While Sarah is involved in communicating to me seemingly new images that involve inspiration and creation and reassuring me that I’m on the right path, my Super-ego communicates to me TRUTHS. He presents to me concepts which he then backs-up with evidence and facts, so clearly that there is no room for argument. These concepts I receive as pure thought-forms, so complicated and elaborate that language fails to express them. As you might have noticed in some of my trances I have difficulty explaining the concepts simply because they go beyond any language, even Greek. When the Super-Ego is presenting me with evidence and facts though, they take form of sequential moving images, something like a flashback meets David Lynch sort of thing.

The Guardians
One of the most intense communications with my Super-ego that I remembered last night, happened during meditation. I had just broken up with George at the time and as I was deeply disturbed by this break-up, it was always in the back of my head even during intense meditation. At some point I felt going into a deep state of trance and my eyes rolled up and were flickering back and forth, then a voice in my head emerged (using the world ‘voice’ very loosely) and started explaining to me the most peculiar of things. It said that sometimes when people go through intense psychological trauma (see The Mother suicides) they psychically summon a person, something like a guardian angel to come and protect them and help them through it. It went on to explain and prove with evidence and facts how I had summoned George into existence and how he was in fact central to my survival during those awful years. When his duty was over, so was our relationship, and I was adviced that now it was time to learn to stand on my own. This by no means suggests that George just materialised out of thin air or that he was a spirit of some sort, but in a way, at least metaphorically, he was.

Spinning visions
Interestingly enough, the same concept of summoning ‘guardians’ into our lives was revealed to my mother through meditation almost 6 years before I was revealed the same thing. During her meditation she had a vision (she usually sees visions/metaphors as opposed to the thought-process I receive) that she was flying through a meteor shower with enormous speed towards a huge planet. When she ‘crashed’ on the planet (which was itself covered in crystal clear water) she saw a spinning Yin & Yang disc in front of her. The disc asked her to pose a question, and she asked how she could help her son (she was worried about me at the time as I was in deep depression), the disc gave her the same answer my super-ego had given me about guardian-people and explained to her that a person she had met in her past was her own summoned guardian. She told me of her vision the next morning, which baffled me at the time since I found it to be completely irrelevant but at the same time it made complete sense to me. Did my super-ego reiterate the same concept mother had experienced so many years before? Is this some universal truth?

It is also very important to note that during my contact with my super-ego, I wasn’t a passive observer of the explanation, I was questioning everything he was saying, although instantly I would get an answer that had no room for further argument. What’s also very important is the fact that although in this encounter I was the one posing the questions, I was also the one giving the answers. It was quite clear to me that this answer-giving self was as much part of me as my question-giving self, which makes you wonder, exactly how many selves to we have after all? A further spin on the whole multiple personalities thing (see Multi-personalities.)

One might argue that this experience was just a reflex of my consciousness, a rationalisation of some sort, so that I would get over George. Well, first it didn’t help me at all get over him (I finally did 6-8 months due to a healing power called cynicism), secondly even if it was just a protective reflex, the reality it portrayed is as equally valid as its non-reality and thirdly, my super-ego tells me things quite irrelevant to my psyche – or does it? The matter is quite complicated but it boils down to the same thing again: insanity or spirituality? The line is very thin.

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