Saturday, 24 December 2005

Overview '05


So I’ve been having a pre-depression syndrome for quite a while now – and I’d been eagerly expecting the depression to come, but it wouldn’t which was really frustrating. But yes ladies and gentlemen!! The depression has arrived today!! Obviously Xmas Eve, my depressions really love special events, esp. Xmas and Birthdays. Why do I get depressed on these festive days? It’s really simple really, they’re just reminders of TIME. I mean, when you are living in your ordinary routine then there’s no real sense of time, as days, well, repeat themselves more or less. But then Xmas comes and you’re like… woah.. a year has passed – and what have I achieved? NOTHING. Or your Birthday comes and you’re like… woah… I am 22 and where am I? NOWHERE. And this is just the introspective part of festive seasons, wait till you get to the retrospective part… that’s a blast!! I don’t even have to think about past Xmases or past Birthdays as such – just the negative connotations these words have picked up over the years are enough. No this ain’t gonna be a retrospective entry – I don’t wanna look like I’m over-complaining.

The Xmas Spirit.
So, as I said, anniversaries are all about… TIME. Tic toc tic toc tic toc. And what best way to recap the year than reading ALL the blog from start to finish? So I have looked over myself this year – through the blog’s point of view at least – and I have noticed some universal themes in my writing. First and foremost, is purpose which is strongly related to the second theme which is the feeling of emptiness which is again closely related to the third theme which is the lack of meaning. Cynicism and sarcasm are also primary themes as well as hints of narcissism, grandiose/religious thinking, borderline disorder, addictive behaviour, miserabilia, triviality, asexuality or desexuality(*general aversion to sex, the act of being unsexed), nihilism, disillusionment, disappointment, anti-social/misanthropism, paranoia, anger, homophobia, heterophobia, racism, boredom, delusions, illusions, second-guessing, indecision, fatigue, suicidal tendencies, schizoid behaviour, attachment to pets, pre-occupation with past traumatic experiences. This last one is truly a downer – although I had made tremendous success in getting over things in a very intense “de-cynicism covered with cynicism” experience in 2004, I haven’t made any progress since. The stuff are well buried in my head and they keep poking at me. Poke poke poke. So annoying!! I do not want to think about it anymore, I do not want to be the person who experienced that, I do not want to be defined by that. But it just keeps coming up and its then when I realise that I am never going to get over this – and I’m never going to be normal – ever. And ok I mean, there’s nobody normal right? But you know what I mean… not so fucked up?

Be Positive (*cough*)
To balance the previous paragraph a bit, now I have to write down the positive things that happened this year. Shit. Let’s see… ok… I learned 3d which is cool, and generally my design abilities are getting better by the hour although I wish was better. I had something like a year of celibacy now? Is that a good thing? Hm.. umm.. I have become a bit more consistent with my meditations. I… brush my teeth twice or thrice a day now rather than once. I did work experience for a month and although it was very traumatising it’s good for my CV right? Ah… we discovered the Jung typology thing… that was fun. I enjoyed watching Star Trek the original series with Polz… Circus boy is moving along slowly but steadily… Shit I can’t do this!!!

Be Negative
Ok, that’s more like it. Let’s see… what BAD things happened this year?

MEN/SEX: Hahahahaa… That went well! Besides the most awful screws I had ever in my lifetime – there is also a slight possibility I got AIDS from Ugly guy #1, who basically sat on my cock while I was unconscious and then for a week after that I had the most weird fever. Then there was Carlos, or me trying to compromise and not have too many expectations from men or high standards… you might have noticed how I stopped talking about him, that’s because I stopped talking to him – I am such a bitch but there is no reason to complicate things, avoidance is the best policy in things like this. Obviously the worse was discovering that I have in fact become averse to sex. Now that pretty much solves the man situation doesn’t it? Well, not exactly – I am convinced that the right man will make me a bit sexual – at least for a while. God I’m such a girl.

BODY/MIND: Lol… fantastic I tell ya. Just read at this entry, I mean I’m oozing with positive energy!! Drugs ain’t helping… neither in my psychology nor in my physique – I am now officially spawning the crack-whore look.

WORK: After the one month work experience, I realised what it means to have a full-time job. And it’s awful, awful, awwwwful. I don’t wanna suffer for the rest of my life. Read more here.

SPIRITUAL ADVANCEMENT: Ok, I have made some progress this year on that, I came to understand some things that weren’t clear before and realised that this is the only possible path for me if I want to remain sane. BUT – I haven’t had any psychic revelations at all lately, and I haven’t heard voices in a loooong time. That’s worrying. Plus, I need to find a Master soon and I so can’t be bothered!

CREATIVITY: I have certainly become attached to creation – without that I wouldn’t have anything to do basically – so it’s basically what is keeping me alive. If I wasn’t a creator I would kill myself out of boredom – then again if I wasn’t a creator I would probably be a little bit more sociable. But yeah, I have come to appreciate its presence in my life and I have also appreciated my right hand, which is probably the most important part of my body.

PETS: Although the kitty was a great surprise and we love it to bits, the murder of my doggy kinda spoilt the fun :(((

Xmas FUN
Downstairs there’s people – people making Xmas dinner, and getting excited, watching tv, drinking, laughing etc. – I’m upstairs locked in my room. At some point I have to make a presence. But I have a plan!!! I am now smoking an ultra-huge spliff that will numb me as much as it is possible. I will go downstairs all smiley and cool like I have no other preoccupations in the world except make tzatziki. I will make the tzatziki and then sit with all the gang and laugh at their jokes, laugh at the TV’s jokes, make small talk, share our knowledge in celebrity outtakes and the shows we saw last night. In the mean time I will be slowly but steadily be pumping my organism with alcohol. A while before dinner I will be semi-tipsy and go up to my room for another shot of weed. The weed will help me to be hungry and enjoy the food while the alcohol will make me even more giggly. By the time we finish dinner I’d be so full, stoned and drunk that I will have opened my second pack of cigarettes. Smoking and drinking away, everyone will be finally pissed and happy. I will bring down the stash case and make an Xmas-sized spliff for everyone and then everyone will be stoooooned. Ok… I’m not even half way through the ultra-huge spliff and I’m already stoned as hell, so bye. Merry Xmas everyone!!!

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