Monday, 10 July 2006

Parenthesis

(She was doomed from the very beginning; a tragic figure destined to live a very tragic life, destined to fulfil the character of her life book. All the odds and bobs in her life were designed to drive her to that specific outcome; yet she had a choice, although perhaps she never realised. She could have treaded another path, but she just snapped. This created a vortex of strong karma, which she will have to remedy in her next life, if not this one; it is never too late. Some people just need shock treatment and we all had it to various degrees and with very different outcomes. I was led to shock, to depression, to post-traumatic stress disorder, to anger, to spirituality and worldly detachment. I have been thoroughly traumatised. Probably something I will never forget, something that haunts my dreams sometimes, and she and her physical condition will always be constant reminders. If she hadn't deformed herself things would have been so much better, but her physical deformation means that she will be forever marked by this dark page in her life, no matter how well she gets, it will always be THERE, in your face, in the mirror. The extreme emotions she went through will have definitely deformed her energy body to a state where she will need to go through a very long healing process. My energy body, I believe has been fully restored and now running better and stronger than before – of course all that meditation and energy raising have helped tremendously and so has the counselling back in the early days. I think I was strong enough not to get too damaged at the time, and I have steadily worked up myself to a quite balanced state, albeit sexually uninterested (which is good for spiritual matters but, yeah, it's bad), detachment from this world (which is also a side-effect of meditation), and social ineptness (but then again it's better than it used to be pre-18.) Perhaps her tragic existence has led me to a better, stronger spiritual life, perhaps it's leading me to a boring, sexless, lonely existence, perhaps both. Sister reacted immediately with a sense of normalisation, she took no time to grieve or be depressed, or some time to introspect. All she wished for was for things to return back to normal, and she has done everything in her power to accomplish normality. She works with denial much better than I do I suppose. Has she cleansed herself I wonder, or has she bottled everything so deep inside that she forgot about it all? This obsession for normality is what is going to lead her to her downfall, how can she expect everything to be normal? I don't know I don't understand her.)

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