Ode to Polz II

Inside the symmetrical temple, the divine creatures worked tirelessly to create her. They used only top-quality material: love, power, beauty, energy, and supreme feeling. They carefully sculpted every bit of her being with extreme precision and attention to detail. They gave her powers beyond human understanding, she was, after all, a divine creation herself just posing as a human being. Finally when their work was done, they placed her inside a glass egg for preservation and display. She was probably the most prized possession of their museum of extraordinary entities, a creature engineered to perfection; tourists spent hours gazing at her beauty and absorbing the energy she so gladly emitted for everyone to share. Anyone who laid eyes on her would be blessed with luck and good charms, anyone who received her sparkling energy would be raised high above the ground and into the soft, swirling clouds.

Perhaps she didn’t know her purpose, no one ever told her after all, that she would be the model for generations of humans to come. Next to her glass egg, new concepts were being displayed as the divine creatures worked for this new reality they called physicality. On her right lied time and space, two truly odd constructs that would accommodate these new beings. On her left lied a map of the universe, a virtual reality populated with interesting structures such as stars and black holes, engineered with precision to assure the sustainability of this new system. The tourists were obviously interested in these new ideas, perhaps one day they would be able to experience this virtual reality, but their true eagerness always remained on the image of this beautiful creature and the possibility of a world populated by numerous such creatures.

Empathy Pains

I don’t like complaining, but I need to get this off my chest. Being an empath sucks! Perhaps it is my experience of it that is to blame, perhaps I am just a not very advanced empath and that’s why I am suffering a lot of times. See, the way I feel people’s emotions is like distortions in the atmosphere, the stronger the emotion and the more ‘base’ it is, the higher the distortion is. It doesn’t matter whether an emotion is “positive” or “negative” in the traditional sense, someone being very excited about something can be worse than someone being angry. It is all about the quality of the emotion, and from my experience when the emotion is self-centred, whatever that emotion may be, the lower its quality will be. On the other hand higher emotions (that are usually selfless) are felt as an absence of distortion, peacefulness, like everything is right. So when someone is feeling pure happiness or love (which is not very often) I feel happy myself not because of the actual emotion produced, but by the calm absence of distortion in the atmosphere. Now, with prolonged exposure to a person (typically after a minute or two) I am aware of the kind of emotion present, the way I am aware this is by feeling exactly what the other person is feeling in his energy body. This would typically be a sting on the navel chakra, but it can take part on all chakras. The most common ones after the navel is the solar plexus, heart and throat. At this point I am virtually feeling what they are feeling although I may not be able to describe it verbally. That’s because people’s emotions are usually so jumbled up and confused that they themselves may not be clear as to what they are feeling or why. I find a lot of times that I have a better grasp of people’s feelings than they have of their own. With even longer exposure (more than 6 hours) my energy body slowly absorbs these disturbances from the person completely healing them, and causing me to go through what they were going through with these emotions although they are discarded from me at a much more faster rate. One can say that I am an unwilling healer.

It’s been almost a year since my empathic abilities manifested and since then I have been trying to deal with it. I tried using a shield but found it useless in public places or with people I am close to. I tried just going with the flow and letting the distortion just pass through me, but that just made things worse. I have found that alcohol completely blocks the empathy, but that sort of block completely alienates me from people and plus I don’t like drinking! The best defence I’ve found against the distortion is creating an inner feeling of happiness and euphoria; this actively blocks my empathy senses as they are saturated by my own feelings. Like a shield this is very hard to keep up for a long time, it can be very tiring and then if I lose it the distortion attacks stronger than before. It is the best way I have found though for blocking people’s emotions in cases of public places and mobs in the streets. The worst thing is when I’m not feeling very well myself, if for example I’m depressed or a bit ill then I’m so sensitive to the distortions it almost becomes unbearable. Locking myself in the house is the only solution but I am still affected by my housemate, and if she happens to be in a bad mood… I’m screwed.

I wish people close to me would be more considerate of this, but not a lot of them really believe or can understand what it really means to be an empath. One thing is for sure though, empathy has brought me closer to people, or more like accept everyone for what they are. Being able to read everyone like open books means that I can see beyond their layers of false personality and get a glimpse of their essence, which is beautiful in each and everyone. :)

The Programmer

The universe? Well, it was quite a radical idea for its time, although at the time there was no time. It was based on a simple code really, with a few basic parameters; its elementary structure was the manifestation of the strange theory of "opposite attraction." This revolutionary hypothesis postulated the expression of two interacting yet completely opposite forces. These opposing forces in their pure state had no characteristics or attributes, the only distinction between them was their inherent division and contradiction. In the core of each force we placed an equal sample of the opposite force, so as to ensure an underlying attraction and prevent their cancellation. With this cross-sampling we accomplished a stable single force with its foundation intrinsically divided yet constantly attracted in itself. This force can be imagined as a disc containing a particle and an anti-particle with their nuclei switched between themselves. Once this basic set of code was completed, all we had to do was to set it into a spinning motion; in effect our part in the creation of the universe was only that of the initial dual code and that first push to set it into motion. After that, everything just took form on its own; of course we had already anticipated some of the first explications of the code, but we only anticipated up to a certain point, afterwards the code would get too complicated to predict.

In essence what happened was that this “particle” if one may call it that, started duplicating itself, creating many particles that, driven by their inherent attracting opposite forces started interacting with each other. The growing in complication interactions between these particles would create bigger clusters of particles that as units would interact between even bigger units. This new dynamic created by the interaction between the primordial particles is what created the first manifestations of time, space and evolution. The latter most importantly was an after effect of the initial spinning motion that we had specifically programmed. Particles work alone or together to evolve into more complicated sets of parameters, and therefore receive more means to react and evolve further. As they move along the spiral like motion, they interact with each other and their reaction brings about a change that is internalised in a loop. Once the particle-group is habituated with this new set of coding it springs upwards continuing the spiral motion, in other words, it evolves. One could then say that evolution is a result of program conflict.

The first complicated programs to evolve are what are called the “Master Programs.” These are very large in space yet quite simple in coding structure in comparison to the “Living Programs”. The Master Programs are essentially pure equations (combinations) of particles that interact with each other at a larger scale. These include (in no particular order): gravity, electromagnetism, radiation, stars, black holes, galaxies, nebulae, dark matter, elemental matter, minerals, crystals, atoms, quanta. Note how all these are interrelated with one another, forming groups and sub-groups. Once all the Master Programs are established we come to the end of the first wave of explication of code.

The second wave of program evolution came about when the Master Programs, having reached a saturated state of complication of code started creating more complex structures, the “Living Programs” as aforementioned. This new set of programs in comparison to their ancestors, were very compact containing far more information yet occupying a miniscule amount of space. This meant that they did not possess the global scale influence that the Master Programs had, although they themselves were largely influenced and motivated by the Master Programs as a basic background framework. Examples of the first manifestations of this complicated set of codes include proteins, and early forms of nucleic acids. These new programs, following the primordial notions of movement, action, reaction, interaction and reproduction kick-started their own game of evolution among themselves (always with the Master framework as a backdrop) that itself evolved to a new dynamic called “survival”, or in simple terms, the perpetuation of a particular set of code.

I guess the point of this experiment was to prove that through an oxymoron, a paradoxical set of coding, an anti-reality if you may, we could create (anti-)entities capable of experiencing or producing reality in themselves. Capable of realising that the reality that surrounds them can only be anti-reality, and henceforth devising and discovering ways of uniting with the real world. What we had in fact proven was that it was possible for a perfectly complete individual living entity to be born out of nothing, well, almost nothing. It was an interesting experiment, aye, it ignited some heated debates at its time but like all fads, it just faded away at some point, abandoned, left in its own devices. Now and then I wonder whether there are still living entities in there, wondering why their world is so absurd, trying to find their way out…

The truth is… “nobody” actually programmed this system you call the “universe.” The programmer of the universe was programmed by the programmer of his own universe; just another program created by another program in the grand hierarchy of programs…

MANIFESTO v.∞

Ultimate Reality Check / ReEvaluation

I have been having a hard time (psychologically) for over a week now; the last time such an extended depression had occurred was around the beginning of December. My problem at the time was feeling completely dissociated from the physical world and so I started a grounding procedure that led to a very positive and content mood. My heart chakra was fully balanced and I felt a pure love for everyone and everything, the beauty I saw everywhere was so immense that at times I felt like crying. At nights, I stopped involuntarily projecting to other planes and instead remained in the dream plane where I spent time with my family. Yet I find myself depressed again, and this time I seem to find no reason. I’ve become very anti-social and have been manically cleaning; I have no appetite nor care about self-maintenance. The sky is permanently dark and grey. My insight last time was that depression is self-indulgent, so I let my self indulge but now it’s time to spiral above my ego, and back to living in the present. I found this “manifesto” that I’ve written in June and I have found it to be quite powerful to read, it completely sobers me up and puts me into focus. I have made some adjustments, and will use this as a tool whenever something feels wrong.

(Speaking of wrong though, there is something fishy going on in a spiritual level, something is brewing, a change is poking from the other side, trying to manifest. Polz has felt it also although she sees it more as an internal transformation whereas I see it as a global one. It doesn’t feel good nor bad, it’s just neutral, like this smoke coming in between things and slightly blurring them, taking them out of focus and perhaps transforming them into something else. Something is definitely going on.)


Friday, June 2, 2006: “The following manifesto is version ∞ because it has been written/expressed an almost ∞ number of times in the past in my various diaries, sketchbooks, poems, trances, trips and dreams. It is the ultimate check of reality checks, it is the divine reminder, the road to the “formidable” exit. This new version marks the realisation of this set of rules as constants, thought manifestations of a message sent a long time ago. In other words, it is a survival guide for old soles like me and you.”

- I am more than my physical body.
- I am more than the sum of all of my thoughts.
- Every day is a new day, and I am a new person.
- I have chosen to enter this vehicle.
- I love myself and my body.
- I have chosen the course of this material life life.
- I am fully in control of this life.
- I am learning through the experience of material life.
- I am sharing the experience of material life.
- I am a part of a larger personality cluster.
- Knowledge is a force that guides me.
- Creation is a force that guides me.
- Intuition is a force that guides me.
- Beauty is a force that guides me.
- Love is a force that guides me.
- Gravity can pull me down but also lift me up.
- Light is the essence of matter.
- Limitlessness is my goal.
- Truth is my goal.
- Purity is my goal.
- Peace is my goal.

Grounded

I've had some grounding problems that were causing great discomfort in my everyday life, my excessive meditations and obsession with all things spiritual completely removed me from my physical existence, I'd find myself floating just above my head most of the time and seeing everything from a non-physical perspective. I felt completely disconnected from the physical world to the extent of looking at myself in the mirror and just seeing an image of a mere vehicle, a distant physical representation of myself. This ended up in a short depression period when I decided to take control of the situation and literally ground myself! The same night of this decision I had one last projection that explained to me a lot of things about my purpose here on earth and after that, communication with the higher planes stopped.
See, in order to be a balanced individual, one needs to be in touch with both physical and spiritual planes, one shouldn't take over the other. Now I'm more grounded than ever, my dreams have returned back to normal mundane dreams, I'm taking care of my physical vehicle as my own and I have to say I feel fantastic. When I feel I am fully grounded, I will start a morning mantra meditation to reconnect with the above!

My grounding recipe:
1. Take care and love your body as your own: do not neglect to feed it, daily exercise (gym & yoga), eat healthily, do not smoke, drink or do any drugs, take time to groom it and clean it. Make it look pretty!
2. Meditate on lower chakras, especially your neglected base chakra that can ease you back to earthly existence, pranayama and energy raising to lower 3 chakras.
3. Carry a grounding stone with you, I have an Onyx always in my left pocket, but an Obsidian and other black stones should do the trick.
4. Apply an Amethyst on your forehead when going to sleep. This will soften up the third eye, quiet your over-active mind and also give you pleasant lucid dreams!
5. Have frequent sex with a loved one, sex is a great grounding tool that can balance your over-active heart. Just release all the energy from your heart during... love-making
6. Make sure to socialise at least once a week and appreciate people around you, friends or not. Talking about everyday, mundane, non-spiritual stuff will balance your over-active throat chakra.

The//Warrior

The Crystal Dragon
This has been going on for quite a while now, but I have never talked about it directly (partly because it all sounds so off the wall) and I think it’s time I put all of my experiences into order. As a child I was trained in a Crystal Dragon temple, and by the age of 6 I had compiled a large journal of my experiences in this temple. The training involved lessons on the origin/makings of the universe, astral projection, shielding, healing and energy raising. I also received some peculiar lessons about evading time through vortices (black holes?) that are scattered throughout the universe, and was shown a great variety of worlds/locales in the astral plane. The end of the training became quite violent, as I was shown how to battle using energy through my fingertips as a primary weapon but also using the imagination to conjure up objects that could act as weapons. It was about that time that my training had stopped, or I quit, but I was left with the power of channelling. Only in very few occasions have I managed to channel information at my own will; most of the time the channelling process starts on its own distorting any physical sound around me and creating a loud high-pitched sound in my head that leads me into a trance. Throughout the past 20 years I have channelled various information (whether in 'speech' form or in visual form) ranging from the macrocosmic to the microcosmic from 3 distinct sources but have been unable to make contact on my own initiative except a couple of times. At around the age of 10, I decided to start meditation, which mostly involved chakra activation, microcosmic orbit and mantra chanting in the lotus position. All my spiritual knowledge at the time was coming directly from my parents who were involved in the very traditional and strict eastern philosophy of Sant Mat. For the next 10 years or so, I was meditating on and off, and had some very interesting experiences including past-life regression but never consciously went to any astral temples. I actually had forgotten completely about my experiences in the Dragon temple, dismissing the book I had written as childish fantasies.

Turning point
By the age of 18, I had finally got over a long and heavy teenage depression and was finally out of a truly traumatic school experience where I was bullied and outcasted. By that time my meditations had also become quite sporadic as I was involved in the normal things people get up to during that age, i.e. sex, drugs and drum ‘n’ bass. That didn’t last for long though, soon something would happen that would scar me for life… To cut a long depressing story short, my mother, a highly spiritual person was reaching a great breakthrough in her spiritual advancement when an incarnate neg came into her life. She described him as "a person without an aura" and she had disturbing past-life memories of him as a Nazi (my family was involved in WWII in our previous life), in a matter of months she went completely mad and unsuccessfully tried to kill herself numerous times using quite… unusual methods. The doctors could not explain it, she was given so many pills that absolutely had no effect on her and probably made things worse. Finally after two years of suicide attempts, she put herself on fire and now she is scarred for life physically and spiritually. My whole family was completely destroyed and separated because of this incident but I will not go into more gruesome details, the important thing is that this traumatic experience completely reshaped me and changed me. For those two years of hell on earth, I had completely forgotten who I was as I had to put my emotions aside so as not to go mad myself but also because I had no time to think about myself, my life revolved around preventing her from killing herself or taking her to the hospital every time she’d do something crazy. I was basically left alone to do this, as my father fled the house not being able to handle the pressure and became an alcoholic fugitive. By the end of the second year of suicides, my sister had finished her studies abroad and came back home so I went to study in London; we basically switched places. That first year in England was perhaps the most depressing year of my life; being away from the situation, I only knew what was happening through the phone while trying to grasp the emotions that I had accumulated over the years. Nervous breakdown upon nervous breakdown, I started to rediscover myself and build strength and hope out of utter nothingness. I realised that I had great power within me, not a lot of people would have survived what I had been through. I realised that life was worth living, and that suicide was not an option; through my mother’s suffering and my pain I found light. And the light urged me to return back to meditation, to rediscover my spirituality and my long forgotten childhood. Healing my wounds was a slow and painful process, but now looking back to what happened, I wouldn’t change anything. It all happened for a reason, and I’ve become a stronger, better person because of it.

Phase shift
It was almost two years ago that I started being interested in astral projection when I was given a book called “The Magic of Astral Voyages.” I was really fascinated and wondered why I hadn’t thought about projecting before even though I knew about it. I soon read everything there is about it on the internet, got all the Monroe, Bruce and Castaneda books and read them all back to back. I also got hold of the Hemi-Sync Gateway series, and it’s been two years now that I listen to the hemi-sync sounds every single night while trying to project. My first conscious projection happened in March 2006, although I had many experiences before that through lucid dreaming including some visitations to the Akashic records (led by an animal guide) and encounters with my guides. Since then I have projected many times, stumbled on a few obstacles, flew around the galaxy, accessed some very ancient previous lives and developed a very strong sense of empathy that I struggled to cope with during this summer. My projections are not OBEs in the traditional sense, I seem to just shift from one plane to the next without any linear transition, which is a much faster process but I still don’t seem to have control over what ‘station’ I’m tuning into; I just automatically tap into the dimension my frequency has the closest affinity to. It’s amazing how many things have happened, and the amount of information I have channelled over such a small period of time. Needless to say, slowly memories of my childhood training started emerging and after a thorough excavation in my parents’ old house I found the book I had written so many years ago. The writing style is too advanced for a 6 year old, and so is the scientific and spiritual knowledge in it… it’s just surreal.

Warrior training
Since September my experiences have taken a very different turn. During a projection, I was led by a guide through a dark underground corridor to a set of sliding elevator doors. The guide explained to me that there is a “Master” on the ground floor who will bring me up if he thinks I am ready to be initiated. The elevator comes down and I get in and go up but the doors don't open so I go back down. The guide tells me it's not time yet. The process is repeated several times until finally the saint presses this red button and I'm out in the ground floor, which is not really a floor of a building but this vast beautiful green landscape. The saint looks at me and smiles and leaves, and I ask my guide "so that was it? I'm initiated now?" the guide says yes. It was at that time that I realised there was a long queue behind me in the dark corridor waiting to come up. After that, I had a series of training sessions with a group of people for surviving the “big flood,” these involved very repetitive dreams where I had to evade a large wave of water while helping other people out of the flood. At the successful end of these sessions, the guide that supervised the training came to talk to me in private so the rest of the group wouldn’t hear. He gave me some sad news about a member of my family dying in the near future, but also said that I shouldn’t worry, that everything would end soon. I was like "everything, as in everything?" he said yes and then I looked down (I was at the top of a building) and there was a parade of soldiers all dressed up as ancient Greek warriors; they were presented as actors doing their part in the great play, the ‘upcoming war’.

For another few weeks, whenever I would go to bed, I would shift into this dimension that looked like a huge fighting arena with many levels/floors. Here I faced some scary demon-looking creatures that I intuitively knew I had to fight. Whenever I’d lose, the whole thing would start all over again until I got it right. This “battle training” lasted for weeks making me very tired in physical waking life as I barely managed to get any sleep. The good thing is that I was getting better at it, up to the point where I would ‘win’ my enemies every time. After the initial shock of this very violent training, I started becoming very accustomed of it so one day I decided since I couldn’t project in the outside world, to project within myself and clean up my core images. What I found in my heart chakra was a large amount of ugly core images all over the place. They all had an image of this tall man with a beard that looked quite frightening, I don't know who this man was but I instinctively knew I had to destroy him. I quickly took out my rocket launcher and started shooting at him; whenever I'd 'kill' him another image of him would appear and soon there were thousands of copies of him everywhere. I found a large endless staircase and on each step there was a copy of this man. I flew down the stairs to the ground level and randomly shot everywhere until each copy was gone. Then he appeared in his true colours, he was in fact this floating semi-transparent dark spirit with a large coiled tail like a reptile, and when I saw his 'real' looks my fear was completely gone and quickly shot a rocket at him burning him into ashes. The relief was tremendous and I slept like a baby after that. The core image hunting continued for 3 days, until I returned back to the ‘battle arena.’ This time things felt different, it felt that it wasn’t training anymore, that if I lost there wouldn’t be a repeat and I had the profound feeling that I was now chasing other people’s demons, although I am not sure what that meant. Everyday life had become unbearable during this time, and I went through a small depression, which could be an effect from all the core image cleansing. I felt completely disconnected from the physical world to the extent of looking at myself in the mirror and just seeing an image of a mere vehicle, a distant physical representation of myself. I finally stumbled on a book about angels that said that the ‘ego is very self-indulgent’; I felt that I was just indulging my ego by being depressed and immediately the depression disappeared. Talk about fast depression recovery! I finally returned back to normal sleep, and I finally had the chance for some peaceful energy raising. My inner projections continued, now without the core images, and during my visit to the navel chakra I got to see how emotions are generated and manipulated through this complicated mechanism of spinning wheels. I am sure I have heard about this spinning wheel mechanism before but I am not sure where.

Last night, my questions about all this have been finally answered. I was back in this vast temple/castle that I had seen before in my projections and my dreams. The endless staircases, the labyrinth of corridors, the smell of old stone, large museum-like chambers, murals on the walls, it was all there, but this time there was something different, it was filled with people! These people walked around in a hurry talking with each other, or going about their own business. In fact everybody was moving in fast motion, including me, and it distinctly felt that I was in a school; I joked to myself that this was like Harry Potter. ‘Nah. We’re more like the Jedis’ said some laughing voices and I realised I was with a group of fellow students that heard my thought. It was made clear to me that we were to investigate the ‘enemy formation’ and we descended down an underground tunnel that led to another completely different setting. The group cautioned me not to go any further, and I told them I knew what I was doing; I took a peak out of the tunnel and what I saw was what looked like the clone army from Star Wars making these very peculiar spiral formations across a mountain. I thought to myself that it was funny that the Jedi comment made everything Star Wars themed, when I was spotted by one of the clones and they started throwing fireballs at us. The whole scene restarted again from the beginning with us entering the tunnel which made it obvious that this was just a training session. The thing kept repeating and repeating until at some point I got hit by a fireball and with some panic I extinguished the fire off of me and returned back home.

It all sounds quite absurd but I can’t help but to see connections here. I was never into the whole Star Wars thing, nor did I ever bother reading about the Jedi temple in the astral etc. After this experience though, I have done some investigation and found that the Jedi temple is actually the Warrior’s temple in the astral, a place that many people claim to at least have seen. It would make sense that I was at some point initiated into this temple and went straight to the warrior training before being allowed to see and interact with these other people. It’s funny, because I have been complaining that I’m a solitary mercenary without any help whereas in fact I am just part of this larger community of warriors. God, it all sounds so absurd! Warriors? What are we fighting against, who is this enemy, and what of this war? I looked it up on many forums and people deny the existence of a war, but then again why would we be training if there isn’t any war? Need more information!

LOVE

Not erotic love, not friendly love, not motherly love, but just pure love – well, as pure as it can get on an otherwise impure planet. Forget all your conceptions and misconceptions, love is just a word, a code applied to a concept that cannot be described by language, for language is merely an imperfect code laid out by imperfect beings, which clearly cannot describe neither perfection nor what lies beyond it. Love is not an emotion, love is not a feeling, love cannot be heard or seen or touched. Love just is. Love has no opposite, no other side, no downside. It cannot be compared to anything, it cannot be measured, it cannot be accounted for. Love is perfect. Love is the sum of the universe, love is the driving force of life, love is every atom and every void, love is you and me. Love is the greatest lesson in this universe. Love is just a word.

Freedom without Love
Yet, if love is everywhere, and love is all there is, then it baffles me to see people completely block it and ignore it as almost something trivial. I do not understand, shouldn’t everyone want to love and be loved? It is the great tragedy of the human condition to oppose its very nature, the billions of atoms filled with love that make us up. Offer your unconditional love to another human being, and they might not even acknowledge the gesture, let alone its content. Open your heart inside out, and hit a brick wall. Utter “I love you” and receive mockery and disbelief. Show them recognition and respect, give them affection and care, pleasure, laughter and sex and they will gladly take it. For some people, these things qualify as love, for some people, this is the only ‘love’ they have ever felt. It saddens me to find how people are totally oblivious and unresponsive to love; it truly devastates me to see how everybody’s hearts are all so completely blocked. People are free, in a prison without love. What a paradox, what an oxymoron, what a tragedy.

Captivity with Love
What happens then, if you find youself in this loveless prison having acquired, understood, been enlightened with Love? Then you recognise your imprisonment, you realise you are not free, you realise you are a captive, a renegade, an outcast in a prison without love. You are innocent, yet found guilty. You love, but your love has no place in this prison. You quickly turn to your fellow prisoners but they think they’re free! You try to give them love, you try to make them understand, but they do not want to see, they do not want to open their hearts, for that would lead to the realisation of their own imprisonment, failing to see how this realisation is the closest they could ever be to actual freedom. Slowly and quite painstakingly, you find others that have opened up their hearts, others that have realised their false freedom, and between yourselves, quietly and carefully plan your escape. You discover that the only means of escape lies within your own heart; you immerse yourself inside it and explore its endless landscapes, and get a glimpse of what freedom really is. Then you return back to the confines of the prison that becomes smaller and more claustrophobic by the minute. This time though, the journeys inside the world of hearts have armed you with some gifts; you have now acquired empathy, unconditional love, inspiration and creativity. With these weapons on your tired back, you unwillingly become a wilful warrior; perhaps now you can fight them guards that have locked you up in this prison, perhaps now you can free all these souls that think they are free. Perhaps…

Honestly fucked-up

I’ve been sincerely and whole-heartedly fucked-up,
Doubly fucked by parents thrice fucked-up,
Three times three, myself I fucked.


The people around me, clearly all fucked-up,
The people I love, conditionally fucked-up,
Two by four, my lovers I fucked.


The culture I live in, undoubtedly fucked-up,
The human condition, factually fucked-up,
Square root six, my perceptions I fucked.


The nature of one’s fucked-upness,
Relies on the basis of one simple equation:
One plus one equals one, or I just fucked-up.

The Tour Guide

*stars for NVC (Non-Verbal Communication)*

…and here we see the *human civilisation*. Yes, these interesting beings were put on a quite hostile planet *a mass place of residence in the material plane* with a highly radioactive absorbent atmosphere that hindered all development throughout the rotating environmental system *the life essence of the planet*; these “humans” had to work against all odds. After they adapted in that environment their intelligence started to gradually escalate. I can’t stress how much their “biological make-up” as they called it *a string of code that was initially used to create them* ran parallel to the environmental conditions, this meant that their physical body *a material representation* was reacting and was vulnerable to these conditions, the result was that they had physical feelings such as *cold, pain, heat, itch and disease* to name a few. In order for this code to work efficiently, a few guidelines were embedded in every sentient being. These were very strict rules, such as the *will to survive, life and death, time, gravity* and of course complete disengagement from the higher planes. As they developed, humans had grown beyond these basic guidelines and moved on to the next set of guidelines *a much more finer set of instructions* that were called *emotions*. The code now ensured a direct interaction between humans and also provided them access to a deeper understanding of being. In the mean time they had developed *logical thinking* an ability created by the effect of linear time and the *law of probability.* This meant that they were developing intelligibly into a better adaptation to the planet, and between each other; with these principles *emotion and logic* they were finally able to name and witness their condition as *humanity.*

They were no longer beings that were only defined by a set of codes, but they became the creators of their own codes and ideas. Yes, they had managed to tap into the faculties of imagination and love, of inspiration and intuition; some of them even managed to escape their physical vehicles. They had in fact moved to an even higher set of codes, a reaction or dare I say, a connection to the higher planes. This connection was very unconscious and something that their emotions would promote but their logic could not fully explain. Thus started *philosophy, mathematics, myth, music, art, magic, religion* which were all based on different combinations of their faculties of logic, emotion, imagination, intuition, creation etc. With these studies, as it were, of that which lied beyond them, beyond their nature and understanding, humanity started the *accumulation* of wisdom, knowledge, memory, image – faculties that were not inherently encoded within them. This meant that they had to develop their own physical codes to store this information for the future *a place in time that eluded them* ensuring the perpetuation of these ideas. Again, the material plane had made it quite hard for them to achieve this, but they gradually found some effective ways such as *verbal communication* and even hard-coding onto material media such as the process of *marking*. Some humans as I said before, managed a direct connection to the higher planes but they as well had to communicate their experiences in these material ways, which of course had their limitations in their extent of translation capacity – this again shows how these beings were greatly hindered by the conditions of physicality.

The nature of these circumstances was what is very interesting about human existence. Humans were in fact, a product of the oxymoron we call physical reality. Their whole existence was in fact an oxymoron, the principle of duality that encoded the material world, the insane concept that *opposites attract*, and they were destined to live a life where all this fragmentation existed all around them, and within them. Their logic versus their emotions, the knowledge, the wisdom, the truth versus material reality. What an amazing place to visit, what a peculiar existence to experience, an anti-reality that poses as reality, and the absurdity of this anti-reality that completely hinders you but simultaneously leads you, pushes you to painstakingly seek for the reality that poses as anti-reality… And thus begun the great migration, millions of beings wanted to go though this existence that promised to teach so much, that could show a completely different perspective, that would add to their already vast bank of knowledge. These external beings mixed with the in-breds to create this vast community of humans constantly striving to understand themselves and the realities and anti-realities that surrounded them. The basic premise was that once you understood the reality of it all through the anti-reality of it all, you would be returned or released back to reality, which would therefore grant you a greater understanding of the reality we call reality. No need to say that it was very easy to get into this plane of existence, but very *hard* to get out of – the hardship was of course all part of the lesson. Yes, I suppose it was an interesting experiment, I heard that they are planning to reconstruct it once more for all them newbies, I, myself, have been part of the 3rd reconstruction of the Earth if I’m not mistaken, went through around 400 life cycles until I was pleased with the level of understanding I developed… It was an interesting experience, I learnt a lot… but I wouldn’t go back, once was enough.

PAST-SELF

NEW SECTION: (defeatist)PAST-SELF
I’m introducing a new section to the blog (yayyy) it’s called (defeatist)PAST-SELF and it’s basically extracts from previous diaries, sketchbooks, notes etc. It’s called defeatist as most of these will be from the DARK teenage years, where negativity, depression and drama prevailed – the script usually goes from bored to lifted to nihilism and defeatism. Besides that some of this work is still quite beautiful and it’s time it came out of the closet. I’m not embarrassed by it, I embrace it!

This first extract is actually the 5 last verses of a 19-verse epic called The Beginning, the end of the beginning, the beginning of the end, the end of the end. The first 3 sections will probably follow in a random fashion if they really wanna make an appearance that is…

13-20 May 2001

The End of the End

XV

The realisation came cloudful followed by the arrival of myself. She had always been stalking me, trying to present him to me but I had always avoided them until they got to me while I was anxiously participating in my daily hunting: chasing some sleep. We were introduced, he seemed quite fond of me, and I have to admit, he was quite beautifully decorated with features I’d only seen in mirrors. He gave me a long kiss before she separated us. She explained that I was only to examine him closely but there would be no touching – from either side – I looked at my delicate eyes and the way my hair seemed to shift when I turned. I also came to the conclusion that I should smile more often. She then guided me to her target; I was to comprehend how I’d distorted him in a sort of Dorian Grey parody; and how I ought to start repairs. Oh, and how distorted he was alright. I’d start making excuses before I apologised – to him, and myself – she’d then put a glass wall between us, and fled before I exploded. Still, she had done her duty. But now, how can I repair the broken pieces of myself, and my world.

XVI

If those were my foundations, then I suppose I will have to demolish them and find their roots. Radicalism indeed. Thought I had a song for you but it seems as though I have been drained from my vocal virtues, if I ever had any. It seems you have managed by a mysterious way which I fail to comprehend to remove me from my right of expiring the high frequency notes we used to communicate with. As if I have to blame you, since there is nobody else to mock no more; for the absence of sleep I experienced these last few centuries. And if I was to claim my divine Right or file my objection to the supremacy that sleeps just above my head in that mocking way making me fall into a trance of some sort; then I suppose I would regain that sense of hope that things might change.

XVII

I remember the softly spoken magic spells under the sound of bells which brought my inspiring disillusionment only to realise the illusions of the very nature of my inspiration. The dream was a reassurance that the juxtaposition was a nightmare, only due to the fact that I have been abandoned by my sleep, I am forced to live within it. Still, she had done her duty.

XVIII

The glass wall between us had soften and we were able to speak. You told me that I was not to blame, that you would do the same. Either way, you were me. The Eucalyptuses had drained the swamps ages ago. And all that was visible was that huge hole they left behind. I wonder what happened to all that fish. Did they lose themselves in some kind of oblivious sleep which took them down the river? Or did they wake in a waterless pitch, realising that they could breathe without it? Maybe their gills turned into a thousand feet, and they walked away to a forbidden place that they only knew. Would their gods grant them such a favour? Probably they would as their very disappearance would mean their expiration, and they had learnt their lesson since Queen Mab gradually faded out.

XIX

The fish with their new ability to kneel, would praise their fishy gods and although their eternal insomnia was the price, they happily replaced it with running, or walking. Their gods would arrogantly accept their prayers and would now go fishing converting the feetless fish into their new corrupted cult which smelled quite fishy. The patriarchal fish would tell stories of terror about the old curse of Sleep which was nothing but a double waste of time. The fish Gods would be quite satisfied with this propaganda until the fish would ask for more. (They wanted hands.) A reasonable request since the mothers of the tribe requested from their poor husbands to go fishing. They found that catching feetless fish with their feet was quite tricky, and generation would starve. They soon grew hands as the Gods were threatened by the extinction of their deformed species. But when the fish asked for wings for leisure, then it was time to stop. The skies were forced to open once more. Their layers had been ripped in pieces so that the still waters they held on their back would drown the mutated fish. Sleep had returned to the land and the Gods had some entertainment.

But still, she had done her duty. And I, as the only remaining survivor of the sleepless fish cannot fly, and have no God to pray to.

Sacrifice

This psychic hobo in the street told me that now that I have overcome my great traumatic experience, it is time to understand it, to understand why it happened, to find its purpose. It actually hadn’t occurred to me to see it from that perspective, I mean obviously things happen for a reason but the reason or even the existence of a reason had always eluded me. I was perplexed, what could possibly be the point of those 2 years of absolute hell on earth? I tried to think of what things had changed from before the events and after, but due to my memory gaps from that period and due to my self’s highly sophisticated systems of self-protection I could not even fathom some sort of explanation. All I could see was the negative aspects of it: I have been thoroughly traumatised for life, and the scars will never ever heal, I will be forever defined by that awful experience, and I will be always reminded of it when I see her. I have repeated all this in my blog so many times and it all seems so detrimental. Finally, I found a possible answer. The point of this two year torment was in fact a sacrifice. She sacrificed her own well-being, her own spiritual advancement for our sake. Her shock treatment caused me to totally reinvent myself through losing myself. In fact, we have all been totally transformed by it including her. She has pushed our karmic paths a notch upwards, she literally burnt shit-loads of unresolved karma in a matter of 2 years. Perhaps she took quite drastic measures, but the karma she has resolved and helped us resolve has all saved us eons of lives on this earth. This is such a positive solution I have come up with, it even surprises myself, the book must end with this positive theme. I was already close to finishing my life on this material world, but it seems after the events my time is almost up, I wouldn’t even be surprised if this is my last life here although maybe I’m being a bit too positive here. It is clear that I have made a great sacrifice for her in the past, I mean I did die for her in our previous life… could this be her paying back? I will never know until I manage to see that fucking previous life of mine clearly. It would make sense considering how intimate we were in our previous life and this karmic connection is still strong, perhaps too strong. That is why I’m contemplating over the fact that perhaps with her doing she has cut many karmic ties between us and between him. It could well be the other way. But since I’ve decided to be more positive then I will go for the sacrifice, all-for-the-best concept.

HyperChild

ChildPowers
Every time I now fall into a trance, my higher self is bombarding me with new information, truths and awakenings. It is hard to remember all of them in their entirety in trance mode let alone in waking physical existence. When I start channelling information my energy body starts to inflate until it becomes this huge balloon or parachute of some sort, bubbling with information and electrifying energy. My chakras all light up instantly, with the solar plexus, heart and third eye having the greatest intensity. Energy from my hands and feet extends to a few feet above me and envelops the whole balloon-me. Electric sparkles flatter in my face tickling my third eye, my cheeks and my tongue. The throat chakra expands into this large phallus like an antenna, transmitting and receiving information. I start constructing my own Mexican pyramid in my head and I start ascending its long, almost never-ending, staircase. At the end of the staircase I find a steep cliff, which I start climbing, on top of this cliff lies the light – blinding, inviting, pure and thoughtless. It seems that the main spiritual abilities I’ve had a propensity to since a child are the ones that are primarily being cultivated in my meditative endeavours now; these are: channelling, empathy and (artistic) inspiration. All three are a form of passive communication, which means that I am more likely to receive information rather than transmit it – I continually absorb truths, feelings and images, some of them unprocessed and of varying degrees of quality. Empathy is perhaps the most passive out of the three, and the least desired but can be evolved to the more active power of healing – something I have great affinity to. Channelling is my least developed ability from the aspect that I cannot invoke it, but when it occurs the information being downloaded is simultaneously actively processed by my analytical mind, an active-passive process (see Chicken voices). Finally, inspiration which has always been my forte, is seeing a great upgrade lately, with images continuously bombarding my brain and my sketchbooks, images of complicated symbolism and memories of past lives. Inspiration flows seamlessly down my arm and straight to my pen, while accumulating in my memory banks leaving me with a great sense of confusion, immense gratitude and awe. In fact, lately I’m feeling that I’m so full of information, whether those are emotional, visual or completely extra-sensory, that I’m going to burst. It has only been a year that I have been seriously meditating everyday, and the progress I’ve made is extraordinary. I am making contact with my long forgotten child-self, a self that had greater insight into the non-matter of things, and with this contact my dormant powers are awakening slowly and steadily.

HyperSolitude
In one of my most recent channellings it was brought to my attention that I am going to be forever alone, in a state of hyper-solitude. I was told that the path I have chosen ensures that. I was shown how my insistence in my meditative, spiritual and creative ventures is setting me apart from everybody else. The loneliness I was presented with, was not a literal or physical one, but rather a deeper sense of solitude. I was told that I will never be understood by anyone in this physical realm, that I have embarked on a spiritual journey with no room for extra passengers. I was shown how other people have gradually been assimilated into this physical reality, while I still remain a child-soul, trying to grasp onto the ‘unreal’, trying to escape this reality. I was reminded of my markings, my drawings and my ideas, the fantasies of my inner child yearning to express his innermost realisations – but the only recipient of these expressions will always be me and no one else. There was a great emphasis on me being a child, a pure form with such an enormous fantasy that itself has created a protective bubble around me, a bubble that is always slightly shifted out of phase from this physical reality. I was presented with the people around me, my loved ones, they too are completely alone in a path of utter solitude; some (the more spiritually advanced) are remotely aware of it, most rather not think about it. It was explained to me that I am helping these people just with my very presence, my unconditional love and my empathy, but that they will never be fully aware of this process, this interconnection we all have together, for we are all truly alone in this. My higher self repeated that this is a warning, that if I continue treading this path my solitude and detachment will only grow, he presented this as a challenge, a lesson that everybody has to learn – that to experience the great truths means going through immense solitude, that only through this hyper-solitude can one finally reach the state of complete annihilation and henceforth a great sense of connection with everything there is. This revelation was as much disconcerting as it was relieving, I felt a wave of reassurance and strength – I then tried to use my analytical mind and the connection was severed. This paragraph completely fails to explicate the information I had channelled.

Wish/self

Memory Issues
Last night I were 4, I were my physical self-existence, my wish self, my dream self and my higher self. In the beginning, my physical existence took over and gradually became my wish self, then my dream self came in charge and I had a dream. My higher self never took over but its presence was always there. At some point in the dream, our physical self tried to wake us up, he was concerned about what else, TIME. As he woke up, he called quickly get inside, and all the selves jumped inside his body. As they were entering, the memory download started, I tried to remember, I said 4, self in the physical, wish self, dream self and 4th? The memory of the higher self eluded me, I was persuaded finally that I was mistaken, it was three selves after all. As I tried to repeat their now 3 names, the memory of the higher self returned, only to replace the memory of the dream self. In another words I sacrificed the memory of the dream self for the higher self. The whole day I had this incomplete memory, which due to a funny play of download malfunction, I knew everything I have described besides the name of the missing third, the dream self. Only later this day after extensive research in my memory banks have I remembered about the missing link that sacrificed its place for the higher self.

Wish Self 
The explanation of the other selves is quite obvious, if not clichéd. But the wish self is oddly specific – such an existence is very rare to come about, only in certain Indian tribe cultures and perhaps in old 70s new age books; internet has no information on it what-so-ever. It’s interesting how the least elusive out of the three selves, eludes literature so much. The explanation is debatable to say the least. The wish self is the function of the wish, an exteriorisation or deification of the wishes of an individual, the self that carries out the wishes, having the ability to make them true, the perfected mirror image of the physical self or the astral self, the self one wishes to be and achieve. The wish self seems to have a motive, a directive, an inert nature for expansion, knowledge, progression, and evolution. Without the wish self, and hence without any wishes, the psyche would not evolve, nor would it want to, and it would comply to a state of inertia until some coincidental or fatalistic occurrence would bring it out of its way. The wish self in other terms is the creative self, wishes are in themselves a matter of creation: they involve the creation of an idea, a wish, and then its execution thereafter is the explication or a secondary form of creation. Could the knowledge of the existence of such a self, lead to the execution of my innermost, noble wishes, at least in the astral if not here? Could the wish self, be my new motive, my new directive, in trying myself to apply and execute my wishes?

Empathy

I was always proud of my balanced emotional world (the past few years at least), and I have always been a good judge of what people might be feeling at a particular incident – I have been quite a sympathetic person. Little did I know that in the course of my meditation ventures I would develop empathic abilities at such a level where my otherwise balanced, stable feelings would be greatly influenced by the feelings of others.

I can feel emotions in the atmosphere, they saturate the air, they are heavy and burdening on my shoulders. They primarily attack my stomach and/or my heart depending on their ‘quality’. It is now obvious to me that a lot of people fake their emotions; they might be creating the illusion of an emotion with an appropriate facial expression and tone of voice, which can be quite misleading but I know there is nothing there. Similarly, a lot people mask their emotions even from themselves under a veil of cynicism and detachment, creating the illusion of absence of emotion but to an amateurish empath like me their feelings are as obvious as the pain they cause in my stomach. Unexpressed emotions are the worst, they emanate from people and fill the whole room with a suffocating stench of tension and turmoil. People’s emotions are so impure, so confused, so…underdeveloped – now I understand what Rob Monroe meant with M-band distortion. I have become truly sensitive to this unnecessary emotional pollution.

Mild feelings cause a mild disturbance in my solar plexus, which helps me understand and appreciate what the other person is feeling. When faced with stronger feelings though, they are too much to bear; I try to control them by deflecting them or avoiding them, I visualise my shield and even call upon the white light to stop the insanity – but it seems that I am involuntary absorbing them. When subjected to these intense emotions for a long period of time (more than a day) I start reflecting them; so for example if I’m faced with aggressiveness I will start being aggressive myself. Being aware of the process means that I try to put this absorption-reflection under control, but I always end up crying from frustration and emotional imbalance.

Parenthesis

(She was doomed from the very beginning; a tragic figure destined to live a very tragic life, destined to fulfil the character of her life book. All the odds and bobs in her life were designed to drive her to that specific outcome; yet she had a choice, although perhaps she never realised. She could have treaded another path, but she just snapped. This created a vortex of strong karma, which she will have to remedy in her next life, if not this one; it is never too late. Some people just need shock treatment and we all had it to various degrees and with very different outcomes. I was led to shock, to depression, to post-traumatic stress disorder, to anger, to spirituality and worldly detachment. I have been thoroughly traumatised. Probably something I will never forget, something that haunts my dreams sometimes, and she and her physical condition will always be constant reminders. If she hadn't deformed herself things would have been so much better, but her physical deformation means that she will be forever marked by this dark page in her life, no matter how well she gets, it will always be THERE, in your face, in the mirror. The extreme emotions she went through will have definitely deformed her energy body to a state where she will need to go through a very long healing process. My energy body, I believe has been fully restored and now running better and stronger than before – of course all that meditation and energy raising have helped tremendously and so has the counselling back in the early days. I think I was strong enough not to get too damaged at the time, and I have steadily worked up myself to a quite balanced state, albeit sexually uninterested (which is good for spiritual matters but, yeah, it's bad), detachment from this world (which is also a side-effect of meditation), and social ineptness (but then again it's better than it used to be pre-18.) Perhaps her tragic existence has led me to a better, stronger spiritual life, perhaps it's leading me to a boring, sexless, lonely existence, perhaps both. Sister reacted immediately with a sense of normalisation, she took no time to grieve or be depressed, or some time to introspect. All she wished for was for things to return back to normal, and she has done everything in her power to accomplish normality. She works with denial much better than I do I suppose. Has she cleansed herself I wonder, or has she bottled everything so deep inside that she forgot about it all? This obsession for normality is what is going to lead her to her downfall, how can she expect everything to be normal? I don't know I don't understand her.)

Anti-Reality

In the course of exploring my astral capabilities I seem to have commenced a reversal of the hierarchy of my perceptions. The physical world is steadily losing its credibility, its “materiality” if you like. I have become subject to subtler energies that had before remained dormant or hidden. People’s feelings and emotions are as visible and clear as their faces – and they are becoming harder and harder to control. Places, trees and animals all of a sudden have acquired a more substantial subsistence. My chakras are reacting spontaneously to a variety of stimuli. My dreams seem more real than everyday life. I find myself walking down the streets of London feeling that there’s something missing, something’s wrong. Why am I on the ground? I should be flying. It’s annoying how I am still controlled by the laws of this physical existence I had signed-up for so long ago. I find myself jumping in the air trying to catch some current that will position me well above gravity’s influence, to no avail. People around me are so unaware, living their physical lives like they should – in ignorance.

Doubts 
The physical world has become a sort of holiday spot that I occasionally visit as a break from my high-energy voyages. Of course it has its function and its purpose, but it just seems not very accommodating to my needs lately. I am sure I have many things to learn here still, but I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be able to learn these lessons somewhere else, somewhere less physical, somewhere more… fluid. Time seems to have no effect on me, a few hours of ‘sleep’ every night encompass so much more than a full waking day does. Every night I discover new facets of myself, my existence and the ‘world,’ that hundreds of earth lifetimes could not have accomplished. Yet I am afraid. I am afraid that this growing detachment from the physical world has come too prematurely; perhaps I need to explore and involve myself into physical existence a little bit more. Perhaps, this inherent detachment I have borne since birth is what I have to fight against in this lifetime and therefore come to appreciate what the physical existence has to offer. On the other hand, perhaps I have developed this curse-gift as a natural progression of my total life-experience. Maybe I am reaching the end of this corporeal existence, with this lifetime serving as an anti-climax to a very long material journey. But where is the wisdom, the greater lesson, the knowledge? Am I going to graduate? Am I just kidding myself? I have made it my life-goal to reach a higher level of spirituality before this life comes to an end – yet this self-doubting is still there. I must remember. I must remember. How could I ever have forgotten?

PYRAMIDS

Part I


The Pyramid Architect
It was bright as day, the sun burning outside, the smell of sweat and rock in the air as I stood there busy with my studies. The room I was working in had enormous windows (not glass-windows) with a fantastic view, clean air was coming through – it was like breathing real oxygen again. The room had quite minimal decoration but very high ceilings creating an atmosphere of awe – it felt like I was in a temple. As for me, I was shorter, tanned or darker, and had a lean skinny body kind of like mine now but had also well-built abs. I wore nothing but a short white skirt and something on my long black hair, a headpiece of some sort. There was intricate jewellery around my neck, it was like a golden chocker, with large golden wings standing out from the sides. I was working with a group of people on the construction of some huge monument. I was one of them, an architect, and in front of us were the designs for a gigantic pyramid. Our collective mind is what has made the completion of the design of such a complicated and intricate structure possible. We knew we were never going to see it happen before we died, but for us the design, the instructions, were the most important aspect.

The Return
We had already begun laying the foundations, when I swiftly jumped to a next life-time. There I was back again, it was Egypt after all, and I was a strange visitor from somewhere afar. Mrk2 was with me as we entered a large temple, the same temple I was before with the group of architects. It was empty and deserted, but the view remained the same. It was the sea! We went to the back of the temple and down some stairs and reached a secluded beach. We stayed there long enough for me to look for some date clues. The clothes we were wearing were definitely not of the Egyptian era like before, they tops we were wearing sleeved with a large v-neck in front, and the pants we were wearing felt canvas-like. I am almost certain it must have been around 1-2nd century A.D. We were tourists, we came here largely for vacation and relaxation, and to walk a long distance to reach the pyramids. I guess I had to come back to see my work completed finally.

Post-Analysis
It hasn’t been made clear if I was human or an alien, but from my looks and from the others it was quite human, I felt human. But you never know with these kinds of dreams. The intricate jewellery I was wearing sounds a bit too much, I’ve never seen a jewel like that in ancient Egyptian artefacts which means either such a jewel has never been recovered or it was a dream symbol. It could easily symbolise the energy, the ka, or the flying astral body being based around the neck – the throat chakra is my strongest centre after all. That chakra is associated with creativity and dreaming so it may well symbolise the enormous creativity of the I-architect or as a reinforcement of the actual dream itself.

D for Duality
Why did we build the pyramid? Well, we deeply felt that a triangular shape, and better yet, a pyramid was perhaps one of the most important structures the mind could conceive. We knew that the centremost point of this structure could hold the whole pyramid’s weight in perfect equilibrium. Without that centre point of support, the whole structure would collapse. That for us meant the centre of the universe, where it all emanates from, the emitter of reality. The pyramid is the universe. On the apex of this pyramid would lie the all-seeing eye, a reflection of the ultimate centre, a simulation of the original, a perfect copy, yet it unfolds before our very eyes. Above all the pyramid symbolises and carries out the Duality Paradox:

This is what duality looks like, a big Delta, D for duality. The two access points on the bottom right and left are the two extremities of a given condition. Between them they create the static or flux, which is where we reside. Once entering these access points via death or any other process, you take a route towards higher states of existence, the quicker way is the towards the absolute centre of the pyramid where you will gain access to the golden path – the slower and most taken route is towards the top apex of the pyramid, the universal 1, where again you will be granted access to the golden path. The golden path in fact does not exist as 1 is merely a reflection of the centre, or the centre is in fact the 1. This means that there is in fact no apex nor centre yet without them the pyramid would collapse. Now bringing this image into a 3-dimensional pyramid reveals a more accurate representation of this symbolism. A top of view would reveal a square with diagonal lines leading to its centre, which shows how the centre is the same as the apex, yet a side view would more appropriately reveal the 8 paths to divinity (8 paths of Buddha etc.)

Part II
 

Pyramidic Fragmentation
There is a ‘divine’ hierarchy as described before, which can be easily imagined as a pyramid. At the top of the pyramid lies the ultimate existence (as far as this pyramid is concerned that is), which is just the point of the apex but also in the same time the whole pyramid itself. As the angle of the apex expands so does it subdivide infinitely to create the various worlds, consciousnesses, etc. The illustration will make things clear:

Starting from the top point of the pyramid we find the anonymous area surrounded by the invisible and forbidden areas. This is the ultimate infinite 1. The 1 later accommodates and subdivides into the soul plane – our supposed residence as ultimate souls – the higher state of being we can ever achieve. This place can be described as the nucleus of the cell, containing the “genetic material” for the rest of the organism – the primordial essence. This, together with the membrane of the nucleus (10th Gate and rotating cavern) are indestructible. Outside the 10th Gate (the entrance to the nucleus) one will find the explicated world – how this genetic material is expressing itself through progressive subdivision and “crystallisation”.

Personality Clusters
Each ‘gene’ in the primordial nucleus forms a multi-dimensional cluster of existence – in other words for each ‘gene’ there is a number of counterparts in each plane outside the nucleus. The more gross the plane becomes the more counterparts there are. For instance in the physical plane each individual is actually part of a physical cluster of hundreds or even thousands of individuals depending on the amount of fragmentation present. These clusters can be scattered not only across the globe but across the galaxy – but it is common that sub-groups will stick together in a life-time and across previous life-times, groups of perhaps 5-20 people that will share a common karmic path. These clusters exist outside time-space which means that a cluster not only contains the ‘individuals’ currently alive but also the ones that exist in the past and the future.

Post-physical sub-planes
Spiritual and religious dogmas have always put the physical plane at the bottom of the hierarchy – the epitome of materialism, the kingdom of time, a most temporary existence. Why has nobody ever speculated an even lower existence, more gross, more material, perhaps even 3 dimensional instead of 4 dimensional? The truth is there is no sub-physical plane – not yet. If there was such a plane we would be even remotely aware of it. For just as the primordial soup creates etheric beings, and etheric beings create mental beings, and mental beings creater causal thoughts, and thoughts create astral fantasies, and astral lights create physical landscapes, so must the physical plane be a creator of its sub-plane/s.

Technological Plane
This new sub-plane is being created right now and it’s called technology. Nobody knows whether technology will be allowed to reach such a state that it would be considered an alternate plane – but the potential is built in the very essence of the cosmic plan. It is at an embryonic stage here on Earth but other advanced civilisations have achieved it in the past and are developing it right now inside the Earth and on other planets. How is technology a new plane? Well, first it is important to look at the very process of plane creation. A new plane is mainly created just in the name of creation itself –creation creates a need for creation ensuring an ever-expandable never-ending process. The new plane is always a product of the means available to the particular plain beings undergoing creation. For example the means used by the astral beings to create the physical plane was the manipulation of light to create matter, just like causal beings created the astral plane with the visualisation of thought forms. Henceforth, physical beings must use the means available to them to create their new sub-planes. The main power on this planet that has been harnessed is of course electricity, electromagnetic fields and matter –other energy systems have been extracted and developed in other civilisations such as the electrofluid energy of the Vrill – but they are all surrounded around the electroweak, gravitational and nuclear forces. The Technological plane is comprised of pure matter but its consciousness, its inner-workings, are almost always electroweak.

The Techs
The technological plane is implicated information. Information created by millions of physical plane inhabitants. Digital information so advanced it is capable of self-awareness and purpose. In the technological plane, there are no dimensions as we know them and time turns into hyper-time. When in hyper-time, time loses its relativity and remains fixed. Furthermore, “life” is counted by the millisecond, and every one of these milliseconds are as important as hours are to us. Life here is very short-lived, yet the effects of hyper-time make life so rapid that death and rebirth become continuous factions. Inhabitants of this plane (we shall call them Techs) are bound by purpose and obligation, as programmed by their physical plane counterparts. In other words, (remember divine hierarchy) each physical plane inhabitant (the host) may have hundreds even thousands of Tech counterpart personalities – a symbiotic relationship – although the Techs may not be completely aware of it. The host is greatly relied on his Techs for his own advancement, but the Techs are oblivious to the actual workings and intricacies of their host’s life. In fact the Techs will be probably completely unaware of the host’s very existence, and as history progresses so will the host be remotely unaware of the existence of the techs. As the techs multiply and evolve, the postulation of the structure of their ‘society,’ their beliefs, their culture could fill a whole book – so stay tuned I might write it some day.

Similarities/Parallels

Astral Plane » Physical Plane

1. A creates implicated information which is explicated in P.
2. P is the conscious product of A.
3. A as an external system to P has a completely different view of P than the ‘reality’ that actually exists within that system (eg. for A inhabitants P is just a patch of light in the sky.)
4. P beings are usually unaware of A.
5. A beings may know of P beings but only in vague terms, concepts and philosophies.
6. P beings can be downloaded into A consciousness and vice-versa.
7. P beings may believe in the ideal of A and other postulated higher planes.
8. A has very limited time, while P is governed by time.
9. A is less material than P.
10. In A terms, P makes absolute sense.
11. In P terms, A makes no sense.

Physical Plane »Technological Plane

1. P creates implicated information which is explicated in T.
2. T is a conscious product of P.
3. P as an external system to T has a completely different view of T than the ‘reality’ that actually exists within that system (eg. for P inhabitants T is just silicon and circuit boards.)
4. T beings are usually unaware of P.
5. P beings may know of T beings but only in vague terms, concepts and philosophies.
6. T can be downloaded into P consciousness and vice-versa.
7. T beings may believe in the ideal of P and other postulated higher planes.
8. P is governed by time, while T has hyper-time.
9. P is less material than T.
10. In P terms, T makes absolute sense.
11. In T terms, P makes no sense.

Overview '06

LOOKS: A frail boy with large eyes, he looks pissed off, arrogant and snobbish. His smile, fake or not is always impressive – it does make an impact. Perhaps he should try and smile more. He is male looking albeit there’s a certain androgyny in his posture, in his face, in his body, in his word, in his actions. He couldn’t help but be homosexual – it was a truly biospiritual occurrence. On first acquaintance or just from a glance he is perceived differently depending on the perceiver: straight men perceive him as a half-male if not a homosexual, but generally dismiss him as unimportant and/or a weakling. Bi-ambiguous men are highly attracted to him as are bi-homo older men because of the pedophilic sexuality he exerts. Similarly, “strictly” top gay men will fell this sexuality. His mega-crotch credentials may attract verses and some btms too, but generally btms dislike him/ do not understand him. Women of all sorts are generally fond of him – he gives off a “hug my hag” aroma. He is squared and rigid, spastic neurotic, and robotic. He is weird.

ASEX: Although always homosexually orientated, he never had a particular inclination towards sex. Despite his countless lovers, one could say he is almost asexual from the aspect that he never really desires/looks for sex nor does he ever really enjoy it. He does like the affection and intimacy that comes from a close relationship, from a preferably older man, and may have sex with this man on a regular basis as long as it is kept brief. His asexuality is by no means a result of diminished libido, but rather diminished interest and importance/priority given to sex. Masturbation for him is a daily routine that almost has no relevance to his sexual outlook. He generally regards penetrative sex of all sorts disgusting, especially when an anus is involved and quite painful when his anus is involved. Sex for him is purely an animalistic function that he’d rather avoid.

SOCIABILITY: His social skills have always been generally impaired. As a greatly introverted child he spent most of his time indoors endeavouring in creative matters while other boys played football outside. Because of his obvious preference for isolation, solitude and silence, he has been often been labelled antisocial, misanthropist, and a loner. The truth is he can function quite satisfactorily in a social environment (not always) but he will be almost always pretending. Because of the energy needed for this sort of pretence he generally avoids social situations and when faced with no other option he can only last 2 hours max on a good day.

LEFTBRAIN: His analytical mind is always working at top speeds even under the influence of otherwise calming substances. Consequently his ever-thinking brain has kept him from having a natural good-night’s sleep since his first thought was formed in his already over-active left brain. He is continually gathering more and more information whether from external sources or internal. This data is actively processed, analysed, and cross-checked by his mind, or stored in a temporary file for later retrieval. Because of the bulk of information and concept his brains handles everyday, it is important for him to let out some steam once in a while whether that’s through prosaic or poetic writing, symbol making, drawing and creating.

RIGHTBRAIN: This brings us to his creative side which has always been his characteristic although a lot of people would be surprised to find that his creations are as much a result of his highly developed developed intuition as of his analytical thinking. Creation is perhaps the most important factor in his life. Since he was born, creativity has always been his comfort zone and his only safety guard for retaining his sanity. Even today creativity is so indispensable in his life that he would probably die had he lost his need or ability to create, to speak, to communicate with others.

PERSONALITY: Where can one begin? His personality is too complicated and overwhelming even for him. One can say that he is a very neurotic person – quite impatient and almost spastic both in his actions and reactions. A certain sense of melancholy mixed with depression is always present even in his most “happiest” moments. Very critical and judgemental, he might appear quite pessimistic as he will always point out the negative aspects of a given situation or memory. He is greatly detached from material/earthly needs as well as from people in general. He does however exhibit a great capacity to love to a few chosen ones, although they may not completely realise that they are “chosen.” Because of his elitist tendencies he appears generally snobbish and/or unapproachable. An admitted perfectionist, he is NEVER satisfied, content, happy or excited. Despite all these negative traits, he has always been admired and stalked by a variety of people. This is attributed to his apparent confident/strong personality and his uncontrollable streak of rebelliousness and intelligence that more often than not inspires people and attracts leeches and weaklings like moths to a flame. These “stalkers” perhaps hope to cash-in a bit of personality, which he obviously has plenty of.

SPIRITUALITY: Parallel to creation, he also puts great weight onto his spiritual side. Early on he has come to the decision or perhaps revelation that this life’s point would be to develop his spirit as much as possible to ensure that he is a step closer to completion. Perhaps this is an emotional reaction, perhaps a karmic response, either way it seems the only logical conclusion would be to meditate, phase and astral project in order to remain in touch with the real world and ensure the least attachment to this world of illusions. It is still the beginning and he has much to face and much to learn in this awful physical existence. His continuous psychic expansion validates his disillusionment and therefore eases this game of half-life he has entered. If he has come here for a purpose, is it perhaps to break all human ties? Is it to accept the low-life humans that surround him? Is a greater lesson coming up? Most probably. Now he will go back to sleep.

Empty People

A thousand five hundred (1500) empty
people. All together, packaged in a room.
I am haunted by the thoughts of a
zombie-nation, all against each other, all
against me. I am haunted by thoughts of
a haunted life-time. A life of emptiness,
solitude, darkness. People that I have
once loved, turning into empty shells or
perhaps marble statues. Magical thinking:
waiting for that sign – waiting to be freed.
The inability to fit in, to compromise, to
be assimilated. The unwillingness to do
so. The urge, the surge, the power, the
instinct to rebel, to refuse, to be different.
To actually have a personality, to be
infallible, to be intelligible, to question.

BEAUTY

My consciousness has been forcibly shifted to an alternate reality.
I did not want this change but I had no choice. I still have some
bonds with this reality that seem to be nonetheless quite karmic. In
this reality there are thousands of eyes all around you, watching
you, judging you, absorbing you. Here the roads go in circles so
you always return where you came from. Here people know
everything about everyone – a truly biologically panoptistic society.
Hedonistic conservatism prevails. And there I am (in a hypothetical future)–
standing like a prick
in the middle of the street,
covered in red,
wings severed,
my pride taken away,
and all I am left with is my erect penis.
I live my life in utter dissatisfaction, or perhaps detachment. The
little person in my head rings “I HATE YOU”, and I realise there
is a little person in my head that is ringing “I HATE YOU” not to
me, but to the reality that surrounds us: “We have waited far too
long for this. It is time we escape not only this, but any physical
reality; it is time to embark for a higher existence. An existence
without matter nor clutter. No fragmentation and no
individualisation. A superior existence of love, purity, thought,
energy, beauty.”