MRK//Leblog

I, not

2010-08-21T13:18:00.002+01:00

It is not me that's acting
For there is no me
It is not I that's thinking
For there is no I
A mere congregation of memories
a bundle of neurons
a dissonant orchestra of chemical reactions
a continuous conflict between
Genetic and cultural tensions
a random expression of genetic potentials
a machine with an evolution-induced persistent illusion of a consistent self
And now semi aware of the death of a self that never was,
This temporal construct mourns for something it never had

De-Culturalism

2010-07-31T23:23:00.015+01:00

(series of fragmented but very intense channelings 5-29 June)

Culture and DNA archetypes

Anything created by humans be it a functional object, an aesthetic object, a discipline or a mental system is a cultural artifact. All creations of humans start from the perception of sensory data as external to the individual. Where pre-cognitive sensory perception may be almost identical in most humans, what happens at the processing and conceiving stages may be extremely unique. The memories (including experience in logical thinking) accumulated over time together with the random genetic code is what causes an original reaction to the stimuli perceived. When we go down to the bare bones of the genetic code though, the same patterns emerge, not only across humans but all organisms based on this system. Taking DNA for example, a unit of code is thought to be a combination of the 3 nucleic acids, and there are 64 known units. The emergent code then, is a pattern of these basic units of information. It is not too far fetched to deduce that these 64 units are the archetypes of all DNA-based experience. These archetypes possibly lay down the foundation of the basic mathematical experience of living organisms. Each of these units could represent an essential mathematical rule upon which all life is based on. This ultra compact source of information is translated in the various stages of RNA, before unfolding into complex proteins that transfer instructions to the rest of the body.

Cultural existentialism

What lies behind elementary particles? Does the perception of self-awareness signify consciousness or is it a cultural illusion? Is it possible to escape linguistic symbolisms, and access a perception-free objective reality? Is reality possible without a perceiving or symbol-making mechanism? Are the words truth, consciousness, or any laryngeal code arbitrary cultural artifacts?

I could go on forever, but it seems I'm returning back to the conclusion I came to years ago, language (and the cultural memes it creates) is the main culprit for our existential crisis. It forces the mind into loops, it's limiting, yet so essential to our evolution. Language is laryngeal- manual, meaning that is not just a code created out of primate grunts, but also a code that stems from cultural artifacts and constructs. Although these lingual-cultural codes developed for communicative and social reasons, they came to envelop and permeate all human understanding. It is obvious that language shapes perception, and that language reveals truth. Laryngeal manual language can show truths about the culture it originates from and can make sense of the world in a practical day to day basis. It enables individuals to share (crudely) truths, ideas, emotions and concepts. It shapes the way people live in and perceive their world but also facilitates the movement of thought and creation of neurolinguistic connections. It is doubtful whether a human being can fully escape the symbol-based artifact-making realm of language.

The post-modernist condition signifies the same linguistic looping that occurs within the brain – culture is reaching its limits and is looping back on itself. If it continues like this it will reach a state of maturity and saturation, a global culture that integrates and churns up all sub-cultures into an undifferentiated pulp of the human collective. It is is the age of intertextualism and hypertextualism, of complex connections of cultural references and over-saturation of cultural artifacts. It is leading to the melding of culture into a single living post temporal entity giving the ability to view culture as a whole; understanding its history, accepting all of its components and recognising the archetypal elements that make up the cultural code. It may eventually grow out of the laryngeal-manual phase, and become a culture that recognises as its only truth the DNA within its cells and its genetic history. A collective that is conscious of the archetypes generated by DNA and which understands their evolution and source. DNA and organic compounds in general will become the new language that will define the next generation of culture- the culture of genetics. New genetic codes will be conceived, while people will communicate in strings of amino acids. Truth will become genetic, until it is replaced by the language of particles and quarks.

Post- perception

Enlightenment is really about a new state of perception. There is a limit to what we can understand and perceive, and that limit is dictated by our cultural and linguistic systems but also our current biology. Both limiting as they are, they're also our only tools of evolution, and they also appear to have the capacity for progress. Biology defines culture, but culture shapes and moulds biology. Culture is of course a layer of biology, a program created by complex biological hardware. In the case of humans the perceiving mechanisms of their biology and their evolution through time led to the creation of today's culture. It can be argued that through natural selection DNA evolved together with culture, and thus humans shaped their own DNA (see genetic-memetic co-evolution theory). Evolution theory and natural selection are very much based on chance and random events/ mutations and thus would suggest that cultural evolution is based on accident. A more deterministic argument could be that DNA already withholds all possible routes including future ones, and human software only activate particular routes depending on environmental conditions and the complex human temporal intersection. Both arguments can coexist.

In the hierarchy of existence codes, the DNA-RNA organic code is based on a molecular code, which is itself based on an atomic code and so on. This is known as the descending flow as it starts from the simplest energetic unit (in current science these are the elementary particles and the postulated preons) and becomes more complex as it 'descends' into its various manifestations. The descending flow is manifesting, creationist, natural, balancing, harmonious, divine, mathematical, archetypal, simple, clear, deterministic, passive. Unconscious, permanent, immortal, exhaling, lays down the foundations, the hardware.

The ascending flow starts at the threshold between the DNA-RNA code and the cellular code, that is followed by the synaptic code and so on. It is the software stage, constructivist, building using existing material, recreating, analysing, observing, discovering, interacting, networking, imagining, sourcing, brewing, making instead of creating, reiterating, questioning, evolving, becoming more complicated and chaotic, obscuring, abstracting, coding, categorising, naming, Intellectualising, copying, reflecting, reproducing, renewing, finite, limited, temporary, subconscious, thinking, rationalizing. The playing out, the game board, the processing of data.

Each of these codes is based on the code that precedes them, and are therefore affected by each other hierarchically. The 'destiny' of each code is the driving force of the destiny of the code that it makes. Each code becomes the 'hardware' of the next, and the 'software' of the previous.

De-culturalism

After the over saturation of culture and the big mess of information and memification, comes the need to cleanse from cultural constructs and memes and return back to the basics. While most cultural artifacts can be disposed of, language and science will need to be designed from the ground up stripped from any cultural references. Again, an arbitrary code can be used based on DNA sequences and archetypes. Cultural memetic studies should look at the connections between cultural emergent memes and DNA archetypes. Memes are not negative used in the correct way.

De-culturalism involves the conscious distinction between pure culturally inflicted thought patterns (including personal habitual patterns) and genetic patterns. It involves the gradual deconstruction of cultural, moral, intellectual, and finally neural codes. It's the decoding, understanding and appreciation of each successive code, and the immersion into the next. Conscious backtracking and pattern reading. The codes to be decoded are successively: cultural, moral, intellectual, instinctual, neural, cellular, genetic, molecular, atomic and particular.

It's the era of decoders, programmers, artificial life scientists, genetic engineers, neurolinguistics, genetic linguistics, neural interfaces and networks, objective truth, self and world discovery, deconstructing and reconstructing the truth, temporal awareness and physics, revelation of and return to the source, personality clusters, molecular engineering and nanotechnology. A culture obsessed with code, decoding, eliminating, simplifying, connecting the dots, unveiling, return to the roots, being fully conscious, universal Darwinism, history of the universe, understanding of purpose, quantum manipulation.

The diagram shows the various connections and interactions of emergent codes. Existence is separated into three stages, the hardware stage, the software stage and the reversal stage. These can be seen as part of a circle or perhaps a more fitting symbol would be the ouroboros, but to emphasise the descent-ascent-reveral and facilitate the comprehension of interacting codes it is presented as an inverted triangle. Each stage manifests itself into 7 successive codes that are part of a continuous spectrum (separated for intellectualising purposes). The dotted radial lines between each code show the interconnections between the various stages, so that each code from the first stage corresponds with its opposite code in the software stage, while both stages correspond with the third stage in the reverse. Each large dot represents a key stage in the evolution, a leap between one stage to another but also a threshold or buffer between the stages. The middle of the triangle aptly named nirvana, is a point that can be reached from any point in the hierarchy (although especially from the 3 key points) and represents the peaceful source of everything, the centre that stirs the cycle but always remains outside it.

The first stage shows the flow of energy to matter, from nothingness to something. As energy starts to solidify, it first appears as dual wave-particles, which then coagulate and evolve into more and more complex and stable structures of matter. This interaction of matter creates the known and unknown universe (what is sometimes described as the Big Bang.) At the second threshold life is created, first as self-replicating pieces of matter and over the threshold as the first unicellular organisms. (A virus is an example of a dual matter-living entity on the threshold of life).

The cells kick start a new kind of evolution as they compete with each other to sustain their existence and begin their own game of bio-survival. They ingest raw matter or each other, and gradually develop sophisticated replicating mechanisms. The organisms enter the perceptual stage once they develop sensory systems that can reinterpret matter interactions in order to make better sense of their surroundings and better compete in the game of evolution. (Pre-nervous system organisms react to chemical stimuli through strictly chemical interactions that do not involve any translation of data and so cannot be classified as perceptions.) The sensory systems evolve into complex nervous systems that soon give rise to behavioural patterns such as instincts and emotions.

Humans appear somewhere between the emotional and rational codes, and start to create their own codes through memification that finally leads to moral and cultural codes. Now somewhere between the cultural and global codes, we start to look back at what we created and what we have been given and start to realise our impact on the whole planet but also our own collective. At the third threshold, we become fully conscious beings and start to integrate all human experience and understand our position in the hierarchy of codes. Through deculturalisation and decoding we start to discover truths as we use our nervous systems to reprogram ourselves. We discover the DNA archetypes that make us up, and the personality clusters that we are part of. We finally reach a post-personal stage where we understand the intrinsic architecture of existence and evolve gradually out of a bodily existence into wave-based existence. Once the transition is complete truth and objective reality can be experienced in all their glory free from sensory restraints before returning back into the unconscious to start another cycle.

The small diagram on the left shows an alternative where the third stage is actually the ascent while the second stage is shown as linear or parallel, signifying its virtual nature. The diagram on the right shows the second stage as merely a dot in the grand scheme of things, the point of return of the exhalation and inhalation process.

Ode (circa 2000)

2010-07-29T16:01:00.005+01:00

Had I known, that you knew, that I was you, and wished you were me,
wished you could wear my shoes, which you had always worn only to find
that I should remember to remind you to remember to tell me that I told you
once that we would reach a point where we’d forget each other and we’d
forget that we forgot that we had forgotten that we were these two
schizophrenic twins writing long meaningless poems whose
meaninglessness meant so much, that we meant to be meaningless in our
tiring restlessness, losing our indispensable sleeplessness just to stay
awake singing our tuneless pathetic songs which were so harmonic and in
their unbearable dissonance would visualise the time we would stop writing but
still it has not come, but you have come, and maybe we can start all over
again!

(Some things never change. Love and patience young Padawan.)

Mother suites

2010-03-28T00:52:00.004Z

Mother suites

I

As the chemical bonds of her body succumbed to the inevitable force of heat, so did the chemically induced identification with her vehicle start to break down. Just like a dissolving chemical sequence, her self awareness rapidly broke down to simpler, smaller parts - each bit occupying less and less physical space and lasting increasingly minute amounts of time. As each level of her consciousness shut down one by one, she took one more step down that ever winding staircase, forever nearing zero and the impending singular instant in time before that. There was no moment of clarity or enlightenment, the irreversible sequence unfolded so quickly that she had lost herself before she even tried to catch up with herself. Like a trapdoor the outer layer of her subconscious opened up, and she was sucked into the insides of its darkness, cut mid way through the formulation of what would have been her very last chemically engineered thought.

She was now nothing more than a fleeting impression stuck in a tenuous present; a short-lived post-cognitive afterimage of her fading subconscious. She had become a ghost: a congregation of the residual neural processes within her brain, mindlessly perpetuating any persisting imprints within the last remaining functional nerves. The electrical signals having no feedback to reflect on and no synapses to terminate to, would release the last bits of information within their potentials and would whither and die. As the organic crust of proteins, fats and cellular structures was ripped apart, there was a measurable change in the order of fermions and bosons that permeated her scorching carcass; yet behind the velvet veil of ups and Downs, charms and strangeness it was as if nothing had happened. The same old message passed through them, the same continuous, steady tone, and within it the faint voice of what used to be Yolanda.

Carried by the sewers of unconscious, whose intricate tunnels reach the minds of the living, her individuality drowned within the thick flowing pus of the deceased. Her image was now part of the collective jumble of humanity's darkest side, a place of disorientated dreamers and lost souls. Her weak signal would now only be picked up by the mourners' probing tears, desperately trying to hold onto her image. They would receive a noisy transmission flickering in and out of her various versions, an amalgam of her past selves, uncertain of what form to take. She would bring unworldly messages to them, or so they thought, unaware they were in fact perpetuating her dissipating image by reigniting deeply buried memories of her.

She would linger on for as long as her black-clad following needed to dutifully reconstruct a new version of reality to accommodate her absence. Piece by piece they would take her apart, using the multitude of her phases as beams, her ever-changing faces as doorways, their unchanneled love as the roof, her tomb as the foundation. She would be stripped clean of all images stored of her within the river of unconscious, except one – the image of her death. For as much as they tried, the mourners could not conceive and deconstruct it, bringing their iconoclastic ventures to a halt. The photograph of her fiery death would pass unnoticed through the filtering systems of the vast waste disposal network, to finally be excreted into the ocean of the imperceptible.

II

Within the impenetrable pulp of discarded images she was stuck like a fly caught in a spill of tar. Her image begun to fossilise, unable to evolve beyond its distraught constitution. She just sunk in the depths of the abyss, slowly drawn like quicksand, painfully scraping against the eroding bony limbs of images past. Yet, somewhere in the motionless silence of this cemetery of forsaken memories, there was a sign of a faint movement, a direction towards a force unknown. As Yolanda passively drew close to the source, she left behind her a trail of displaced scorching images ignited by her dim yet present fire. It was ironic, yet perhaps quite fitting, that in her quest for redemption she would become the catalyst for the absolution of images that had long given up on hope. Like a digestive enzyme she burnt right through them, releasing them from their century-old bonds that had condemned them in the depths of a motionless existence. As the catabolic reactions progressed, the dissolving images provided fuel and she gained momentum as she moved through the digestive tract she had created towards the humming source.

In the center of the abyss, a dimensionless vortex breathed in its guts the forgotten images, and breathed out blank templates that bubbled through the mucky ocean and up into an unformed atmosphere, the realm of clean slates. Sucked in one of these cosmic bubbles, she floated above the ocean and beyond the stratosphere of human perception. She travelled past the ever winding planets and exoplanets, the swirling nebulae and colliding galaxies, into the fuzzy blackness of space.

Trapped at the moment of her death with eyelids, arms and legs wide apart, she stared back at her burning self surrounded by the curved mirroring surface of the bubble. She was in a solitary prison, her only companion the imperceptible image of her flaming eyes. That is how I found her, wings on my back, during my desperate search at the boundaries of spacetime and of my own darkest thoughts. With my bare hands I tried to break through her cell and awake her from her relapsing nightmare, but the wall was impermeable. I was neither an angel, nor a saviour, my supernatural powers limited to conjuring images but not interacting with them, (I was just a passive dreamer.) I reluctantly let go of that thought and she slipped away from my fingers shrinking into the unreachable distance.

III

Cross legged she sits in the midst of pure white mist. Pale pearl skinned snakes hiss beside her, intertwining in sex they surround her.

She cannot see me, for her eyes are blindfolded with a cloth soaked in the river Lethe. She cannot hear me, for her ears have been closed with wax to block the mourners' call.

She doesn't move, yet her skin stirs, iridescent and transient like a chameleon, continuously shifting like the scales of a python. It simultaneously reflects and absorbs the surrounding dense white light, uncertain of what form to take plight.

The overly Sexed snakes tie her down like ropes, and in their incestuous passion they penetrate
Her. They break through every part of her crust-covered hollow body, crawling into every crevice they can find. Bursting with semen they reproduce within Her, giving birth to the embryonic parts of her newly constructed insides.

Pregnant now with a brand new self consciousness, she is released from her sensory constraints. She looks at me and smiles without recognition, she is indeed a new pure being. Unaware that dripping from her nipples is sweet honeydew remembrance, she offers me a handful. With a warm, innocent embrace she invites me on her lap, and with a tear I suck on a memory I have never forgotten.

IV

She awoke in white linen embraced by the light. She looked around her to see familiar people surround her, she looked inside her to find the people she contained. Somewhere in there she found Yolanda, an embryo peacefully floating inside her amniotic sac. She picked up the sac and examined this fragment of herself closely. The embryo's consciousness was bubbling inside, bursting to come out; the message it carried all this time was finally ripe. She took a bite from this majestic fruit, its juices flowing into her throat, and molecule by molecule she read the code written onto its sugars.

As it unraveled like a scroll, the once dormant code of what used to be Yolanda was activated bit by bit within the infinite chain of messages that had accumulated over eons of timelessness. Her message was loud and clear, permeating the nucleus she was a part of, causing the cell it occupied to release the corresponding transmitters, finally creating a momentary thought in the mind of the super being that contained her.

The echo of her outcry finally reached me one lucid night. She was beaming as she communicated her truth to me, the revelation she was trying to share with me all along. The people around her were in celebration, a banquet being held for her incredible contribution. I tried to listen carefully but the party was too loud and her honey-covered sweet lips were too mesmerising. The message did not register and I would find myself writing a poem about a letter never received.

a book about a play

2010-03-28T00:38:00.002Z

This is a book about a play. I play the writer who writes this book. He is writing a book about the play as it plays out. The characters in this play are unaware that a book is being written about them acting in a play. Indeed, only the writer is aware that he is a character within this play because he is his own creation. A character in a play within a play, writing a play about himself in a play within play. This is the kind of play this book is about. The character is as trapped as the writer writes him to be, the writer himself being the character finding oneself as the writer of his own destiny. Driven by the need to fulfill his destiny, the writer writes the story of the character that is writing about the play he finds himself in. The great complexity of this predicament means that this book is written in the varying perspectives just being described.

The main character of the play is Yolanda. In this interplay of plays, the writer tells Yolanda she is the star of the play he is writing. She subsequently lives out this play as it is being written. Her character was created to fulfill this very book. A book called 'Yolanda'. She also happens to be the only one who manages to escape the vicious circle of intertwining plays and prose. After her escape she leaves behind a vacant character whose destiny has been unwritten, remaining fossilised in time and space. After her purposeful deletion from the play, the writer has no option but to write about the destiny of a character frozen within the writer's mind.

The neurogenetic connection

2010-03-28T00:37:00.003Z

The nervous system is the only interface we have as living humans to interact with the world. Everything is mediated and processed by the nervous system. In the simplest terms a nervous system is a process that involves the 3 steps of sensing-processing-acting or receiving-integrating-transmitting. In carbon-based organisms, a proto nervous system can be found within a singular cell. The primary sensing organ in this case is the cell membrane, while the sense data is compound chemicals (eg. neurotransmitters, hormones, enzymes). In order for a signal to be transmitted from the membrane to the nucleus and back, a highly complex network of chemical interactions is involved within the cell. Using the metaphor of the body, the chemical chains that occur during a routine signaling process within the cell can be likened to the autonomic nervous system. The chains finally end up in the nucleus/brain where they target specific parts of the DNA, the cns of the cell. You get the picture.

My first experience with conscious neurogenetic meditation:

I relaxed my body, and silenced my breath and mind. I energized the somatic, autonomic and central pathways as usual until I felt the swelling electrical sensation across my body. Then I lightly focused on the concept of one centralised place or cell where I could direct my neural impulses that would order it to release the chemicals necessary to signal to the DNA to produce the appropriate proteins. I was intuitively guided to my pituitary and pineal glands which are important secretory centers. At the moment I did not make this realisation as I was in a state of near no-thought unable to make any rationalizations. At this point my initial intent started to unfold as images of transcribing molecules and protein building machines came to mind. Finally I sensed a substance being released in my brain and I felt extremely peaceful like I had taken ketamine but without the hallucinations and the dizziness. I slept in extreme serenity all night and woke up in bliss.

This experience physiologically was no different than a good meditation session. The only difference was the conscious awareness of inner secretions and mechanisms that no doubt take place during a normal meditation session. This is what the neurogenetic connection is all about, becoming aware of the otherwise subconscious processes, eventually gaining control of the unconscious.

a year later...

2010-03-28T00:34:00.006Z

a year later...

... and it's all the same. There's not a morning I wake up without her on my mind. I never go to sleep without thinking about her. When I'm alone I'm loudly calling out her name or crying over her pictures. When people are laughing I just think about her. When people are small talking I just think about her. I still find myself unable to believe she is gone, unable to compute her absence. In the busy streets, I see her in women that bare any small similarity to her. When I watch TV there will always be something to remind me of her. When I look around in my house there is always something that reminds me of her. When I look in the mirror I see her. When I dream I see her. When I'm working I think of her. When people talk about their mums I feel sick. When I talk to my family I feel her absence even more. When it's holidays or birthdays I want her to be there. To tell her how much I love her. How much I miss to see her. People come and go. Sometimes they just go. Should tell people that you love them whenever the opportunity arises for it might literally be the last one. I miss my soul mate. The need to repeat these things over and over again. Searching and searching.

but...

... I can now sometimes have sex without thinking about her. I am rediscovering my libido. I am optimistic about the future. I have moments of happiness. I am fully inspired. I have started taking care of my body. I am becoming driven again, confident in myself, and interested in people. I feel once more empowered by the fact that I have survived and integrated such pain in my life. I know there's still a lot of pain to process ahead of me.

Reflecting nodes

2010-03-28T00:34:00.005Z

The visual, auditory, linguistic, somatosensory and motor cortices have nodes spread throughout the brain which enable internal visions, sensations etc. For example an internal state of excitement is connected to a somatosensory node, creating a sensation in the abdominal area. Similarly, an internal process can be translated by a visual node creating an internal image that can more easily be interpreted by post-cognitive processes. The conscious mental world is a product of the continuous reflection between these meta sensory nodes. A perpetual qualia experience. It is therefore impossible to have an objective perceptual experience as all perceptions both internal and external are interpretations of the raw data that are subject to a myriad of interexternal conditions. Take the memory of an event, first of all the external sensory data that define it are read by the various sensory organs and translated into nervous impulses, then there is the internal data at the time such as feelings, energy levels, mental states etc, that combine with the sensory data to store this memory. How it is stored is not certain yet but it most likely involves the construction of proteins or another kind of codable molecule such as RNA. Now for this memory to be read again consciously by the beholder, it has to be reread bit by bit by a post-sensory node and this interpretation is not only subject to the various internal states at the time but also to a degree of data loss as the coded memory is not read in its entirety. The quality of storage also depends on the intensity of the event, the presence of the needed molecules and of course depending how old it is there might be degradation of the code or parts of it might be compressed for optimization purposes. This continuous process of interpretation and reinterpretation of extra-sensory, intra-sensory and post-sensory data occurs throughout the brain creating a loop between the three. This looping principle is the main mechanism of the brain and also its greatest limitation. Limited within a world of perpetuating qualia and mental simulacra, it can only evolve through continuous access to extra/intra-sensory data, post-cognitive data, and subconscious access to genetic data.

Money

2010-02-05T13:13:00.001Z

Money is not just bio-survival tickets. A better term perhaps could be socio-survival or symbol-survival tickets. Money is of course a symbol created by societies that aims to aid the exchange of goods between people within an organised and complex symbol-based society. For people to act out the roles required by a symbol-based society, money is necessary for the delegation of these roles. Without money people would have to resort to traditional ways of survival and symbol-based social roles would simply not be feasible. Without money a complex society would not be able function, and symbol-based social constructs would not flourish such as science, religion, technology, philosophy, etc. It is no surprise then that money attains social status and is a necessity for survival within a society. Within a symbol-obsessed society money is needed to satiate the constant demand for new symbols to adorn the walls of its symbolic buildings and infrastructure. The term bio-survival ticket is inaccurate (even if it has a better ring to it), because money is not only necessary for the survival of the biological part of humans, but also social and symbol survival. Bio-survival can be achieved with or without money and society but social roles and symbolic constructs cannot be achieved without money or society. Bio-survival is perhaps the lesser part of the role that money plays within a modern society as it gives access to so much more. The fact that a symbol such as a bio-survival ticket is needed to sustain (symbol-based) culture survival is only to be expected. If humans could feed solely on symbols they would, yet something is lurking beyond the veil of symbols and once we find it as a society together, the need for symbols and money will be eradicated. (Until then, we either have to accept the current condition and try to make the best of it using existing symbols to lift society out of the vicious circle it finds itself in, or abandon society to live a strictly bio-survival based existence. Blablabla.)

Post-symbolism

A post-symbolic or super-symbolic existence is the next step in evolution of culture. An information based society is the obvious transition towards this, as traditional symbols are replaced by informational constructs or super-symbols. Humans instead of interpreting and sharing their inner symbolic worlds with external symbolic constructs they start to device informational codes. This movement towards a code-based existence means that the new currency will eventually become information. As new codes are being devised, ancient natural codes are understood and decoded. Communication still remains linguistic but it is gradually progressing from laryngeal to informational and language becomes a code to be deciphered and programmed rather than a mere exchange of social symbols. As language becomes a code it loses grammatical structure in the traditional sense and no longer communicates symbols but data. A post-symbolic society is not occupied with the creation and perpetuation of symbols but with the underlying structure of things including symbols, society, mind and matter. This of course leads to the programming and metaprogramming stages that we all aspire to reach.

Unaware

2009-12-12T11:22:00.001Z

We are not aware beings. Robots automatically thinking, moving,
reacting. Leary was right there's nothing controversial about that, it
is just a matter of fact that our robotic constitution has a lot of
trouble understanding and accepting. I have only recently come to this
conclusion by analysing my various experiences and although I haven't
fully grasped the concept i am hoping that my awareness of it will at
least cast me a semi-unaware person. I am not even sure if it is
possible for anyone to become fully aware in this lifetime. Lets face
it, the human being as it stands today is very limited and I do not
mean this in any demeaning way whatsoever. We have made huge progress
in expanding our awareness over the years through culture of all sorts.
Still, there are some fundamental things that we are painfully missing.
Firstly and most tragically, we do not understand how our own brain
works. It follows then, that we cannot even comprehend or control
fundamental parts of our selves. Actions and emotions arise out of
seemingly nowhere, thoughts pretty much the same. We live our lives
half asleep going through the notions, controlled by chemicals that are
automatically released between our neurons, following pre-programmed
patterns that keep repeating themselves in circles. We act in the past,
almost in retrospect, always slightly lagged behind the present and
completely oblivious of the future. We are limited to these time
restrictions. We are bound to a genetic code that we can merely observe
but hardly understand.

We are indeed always observing but not really understanding. Sure we have
observed atoms and particles, and not only do we not understand them,
our methods of observation are also extremely limited. Science is
mostly theories, guesses, always unsure, and yet it is the closest
thing to fact that we have, a bunch of not quite certain facts. Facts
that keep on changing every decade when new things are observed and new
theories have to be formulated. Clearly we do not have a clear
understanding of the workings of the world we find ourselves in. I for
one constantly strive to understand the world but I am limited by my
culture and mind capacity. I try to understand my self but all I have
is highly subjective and fragmented images to analyse. Images of myself
that only in retrospect I can see how unaware i was at the time. It's
funny how these past images accumulate and drive us subconsciously,
again like robots acting out in reaction to our past. So many things
happen in the background of our consciousness that we have no control
of. The way we react to situations is determined by these subconcious
processes underneath our very noses. Why not have continuous access to
that vast amount of information? We are not masters of our own actions
and reactions, relinquishing the power to the automatic chemical
processes of the brain. If only something happened to shake us up, to
wake us from this state of hibernation. To reiterate, accepting one's
own lack of awareness, control and understanding, would be a step
towards self- realisation, and positive progress. After that only
through further seemingly illogical realisations will things become a
bit less foggy. O, to live in ignorance with a wealth of things to
discover. O, the yearning for certainty, to be free from symbols, to be
aware.

a suicide letter

2009-11-29T02:49:00.001Z

I know why she didn't write a suicide letter. When you have reached the very end of your tether, you have nothing to say. What can you say to console the people you leave behind? What can you say to explain your reasons? Is there anything left to say when you've been through this a million times? Can you say sorry when you know it is completely meaningless? Can you say I love you when you are deserting everyone, causing immense pain and scarring them for life? Can you express your feelings when you know that there is no way to communicate what you are really feeling inside? When it becomes a conscious rational decision, and you sit down to write a letter, everything that comes out sounds either stupid, selfish or cliched. All I can say is that I have made the decision full stop. Goodbye.

musings of a drunken fool

2009-11-29T01:02:00.005Z

Mummy you brought me to life,
carried me in your insides,
fed me with your fluids,
nurtured my synapses,
and loved me unconditionally.

I fell in love with you from
the first time I opened my eyes.
That familiar heartbeat,
that beautiful smell,
that incredible innocence.

I was yours and you were mine,
we were hooked to each other
for what seemed to be an eternity.
Our love didn't change
until one day you were gone.

My heart was completely crashed,
but I painfully rebuilt it when you returned.
Until you left me again,
and then came back again.
Sometimes you were gone
and back in a day.

When it seemed you were back for good,
Our love naturally resumed,
and we both rejoiced.
We could finally get to know each other again.
We could finally be in love again.

Mummy you killed me,
poured a tank of gasoline
all over my heart,
lit it with a matchstick,
and burnt it to ashes.

(Entropy goes only one way,
and fire is so permanent.
I will never be happy ever again,
there is no question,
my greatest love of all is gone.)

passed away

2009-11-26T16:16:00.001Z

forgot what it feels like
to feel so bad
that writing tragic poems
feels so good.
to even have the need
to write a poem
to release and die.
to be trapped in a corner,
without any strength
to even hit the walls
or ask for help.
living life as a ghost
of one's past self,
a facsimile of what
you've built up all
these years, and find
old familiar feelings lurking
back up again, emotions
you thought you'd left behind.
to read back the darkly
decorated words and feel
relieved and comforted,
that momentary release
of negativity, that quickly
replenishes its self.
yet you find yourself
filling up the pages,
hoping that one day
they might run out,
only to find that once
a volume finishes,
another one creeps up,
his sons in their turn
seem to be even stronger
than their forefathers.
you find yourself with
collections of collective pain
whose meaning is never
fossilised but keeps changing
in accordance to the current.
forgot what it feels like
to feel so bad
that writing stupid poems
feels so good.

a lost thought

2009-11-19T00:02:00.001Z

Looking for that ever elusive connection,
a link between my brain and her mind,
a once sprouting synapse that has retreated,
a message received in a dream forever lost,
a bright idea during a drunken frenzy,
a beautiful memory of my mother slowly fading.

Wishful thinking

2009-10-30T10:10:00.000Z

I want to be a fully aware being.
Conscious when I sleep,
Active when I dream.

I want to know what is happening around me,
Continuously anticipating the consequence of any action.
I want to prevent deaths and heal peoples' troubles.
I want to remember everything and use this knowledge for my cause.
I want to tap into the secrets of the universe, receive the one truth and reach enlightenment.

Yes, I would be superhuman,
a being beyond any scope for growth
and thus, an idiot.

Searching (psyche)

2009-10-20T11:02:00.079+01:00

She is everywhere, in silhouettes of fuzzy women in long black coats, deceiving
red haired fringes and fleeting forms in the corner of my eye. She is ephemeral,
slipping from and into the nothingness of my desperately seeking mind.

I fantasise about joining her in death: a car accident, a stabbing
in a dark alley, a terrorist bombing with only one casualty.
It is always a solitary death, just like hers. These are not suicidal thoughts,
only a little daydreaming of a fortune-brought ending to my daily torture.

I would join her in a state of passive mind, consciousness shed,
forever dying but never dead. We'd slowly drift into the Park of asphodels, quick
phantoms sipping on sweet honeydew remembrance, loosely holding on to
the memory of a missed corporeal coexistence.

The closest place to death I can get to is sleep and sleep is my only desire.
I am comforted by these words.

Dreams

2009-09-27T11:11:00.000+01:00

#about her

#1 (one of the first ones) Her ghost is circling the house. Her image is the same as the last time I saw her. She goes round and round the house hauntingly repeating in English: "To be granted redemption you must let go of your fiction." I assume this is her explanation for her death and I recognise that it is just a projection of an image but I don't care. I run after her trying to catch her and hug her, only to catch thin air.

#2 (Irene's dream) A bridge over a gushing river is separating Irene and her. I stand in the middle of the bridge. Irene wants to cross the bridge to reach the other side and ask her why she did it. I shout to her to stop trying as there is no point asking a ghost for answers.

#3 I fly to the outreaches of space to find her trapped inside a massive glass bubble. She is floating inside it, arms and legs wide apart. She is completely immobile and unaware, with her eyes wide open. She seems to be in a continuous manic state, fire burning within her. She is in a hell of her own. I try to break through the bubble to let her free but I am unable to do so.

#4 (Irene's dream) The family goes to the sea for a day trip. At the restaurant next to the beach Irene keeps asking her why she did it, but she won't answer. Irene finally says: "I know why you won't answer, you are just a figment of my imagination, you don't exist, I am just recreating you in my mind and therefore you have no answers."

#5 Irene, Nikos, Markos and I are hanging out in a new flat. It looks like it might be in London. At some point Irene and Nikos go out to get food. At that moment everything goes dark and mum appears. She says we don't have a lot of time and that she didn't want Irene to see her. In the mean time outside a storm picks up. She is really in a hurry and she quickly gives me her various e-mail and facebook passwords and I try to memorise them all. Suddenly lightning strikes electrifying the atmosphere, and the whole flat is shaken up like a giant glass ball inside a rolling barrel – the glass shattering to all directions. Markos and I manage to escape from a broken window and climb up the drain pipes to the neighbour's balcony. Irene and Nikos come back and she disappears.

#6 (lucid dream) She comes back from the dead, and does what she did with the car again, only this time she survives and is brought to the hospital just like the first time she burnt herself. I go to visit her at the emergency room, she is again swollen, attached to tubes and passed out. I keep telling her that I love her but she does not respond. The doctors tell us that she is stabilised and that we can go home to rest. When I get home I call her and say: "I am saying I love you again because I did not manage to tell you last time." She wakes up and says: "I love you too baby" and passes away again.

#7 In a post-apocalyptic landscape, a mass evacuation is taking place in Cyprus, everybody from the South migrating to North Cyprus. In the crazy mob and confusion dad and I lose each other. He goes to the North to find me while I go towards the South. In the mean time I'm talking on the phone to Irene and grandma who are telling me to go to the South and I sense they are hiding something from me. In the South I find mum – she has come back from the North. She has a new haircut and she looks beautiful. I am over the moon to see her at last after being apart for so long. Irene tells me it was a surprise that's why they didn't want to tell me. Apparently dad was in it as well and he awaits for me in a beautiful park in South Cyprus. There is a general sense of closure, of everything coming to an end, not just emotionally with mum and the family but also physically the whole world coming to an end.

metaforce

2009-09-18T01:13:00.007+01:00

Everything is a metaphor
A metaphor of a force
Hidden behind metaphors,
obscured from changing views.
Incongruous and inconsistent,
We share them,
Never sure if we agree.
The world, a giant metaphor.
The brain, a metaphor-processing metaphor.
Beyond metaphors the metaforce.
A force without form,
that can only perceive itself
through virtual concepts,
metaphors perceiving metaforms.
Meaningless precepts,
perpetuating for as long as
the formless force needs
to amuse itself.

MEGA ENTRY

2009-09-13T01:11:00.004+01:00

(At last I have found some time to myself. Nowadays to have more than a couple of hours alone is a luxury. That ever precious alone time is especially needed at this time yet it seems to diminish as time goes by. Today was the first day of my shut down, in the course of this week I plan to shut down and inspect inside - as much as possible. This week I let go of mundane everyday preoccupations such as feeding, working and keeping up appearances and I look at myself.)

2002 Crisis
I look back at the last bumpy 7 years. I might be repeating myself. In the dawn of 2002 I had just got out of a rough teenage-hood, only just starting to feel confident and secure about myself, to enter into an unexpected series of hellish, nightmarish events. My mother had become seriously mentally ill in response to my father's departure to start a new life with a woman he was secretly seeing for 14 years. Her transformation was sudden and terrifying. She had become so depressed she did not care about anything or anyone. She was terrified of everything, even the most mundane, small things in her life such as cooking or dressing were horrifying to her. She became extremely irrational, violent, antisocial, and completely oblivious of her own behaviour or of people around her. She developed dark and complex magical thinking that would creep the hell out of anyone. Her life was a living hell and without knowing it she had created a hell for everyone that cared for her. It is unclear to us or to science how the pills were affecting her but soon, she became obsessed with one thing - to kill herself. It was not long before she ended up in the hospital having her stomach pumped after taking large amounts of pill cocktails. The events that led her to the hospital are buried deep within my brain but I do remember her waking up later in a creepy manic state telling me that it was all over. Little did I know back then about manic states but it was clear that it was far from over.

After this almost successful attempt, attempted suicides had become her hobby. It was almost like a game, she would try to kill herself in increasingly creative ways, only to hold back the last moment or to be caught in the act. For me and my grandparents, suicide and depression had become a horrendous routine, every time she would disappear we would take the cars and search for her, usually to find her on the rooftops of buildings contemplating a jump. My grandmother would hide all the keys and sharp objects from the house and administer her medication. Frequent visits to the emergency room, psychiatrists, psychologists, and even group therapy had become the norm. By the summer of 2002 she was institutionalised in a psychiatric ward that looked like a set from a horror movie. Two weeks later, after a hardcore medicine treatment, she was out and the next few months passed with intermittent suicide attempts, creepy manic episodes, general depression and many many suicide letters.

2003 Fire
As 2003 slowly crept in she seemed to stabilise in a constant monotonous depression and the attempts seemed to come to a halt. Just as we settled into a depressive 'normality', she carried out her most carefully crafted plan: burning herself alive. Over the months she had somehow managed to buy large amounts of pure alcohol and possibly gasoline and had written dozens of suicide letters. She carried out the deed at around 9 in the morning in the room next to me while I was in bed. Waking up I found coal-like pieces scattered around the house before I finally found her covered in a black crust in her bed, with her eyes wide open. Silently crying I used moisturiser to remove the black crust off her face. To this day, this remains the most traumatic experience of my life, so deeply engrained within my memory that I remember every single stroke I took while cleaning her face. I can even recreate the same feeling of emptiness, shock, and plain brain damage that I experienced that very moment. Possibly the second most traumatic event in my life was visiting her at the hospital a few days later to find her completely swollen up and deformed, Elephant Man style. In fact, it seemed to me that I was in a fully-fleshed living Lynchian nightmare. She was in intensive care for two weeks, the doctors almost sure she wouldn't make it, but she did. During that time she tried to kill herself by removing all the tubes and the nurses refused to watch her which meant we had to be there 24:7 by her side.
As for me, I had reached the disturbing point where my mum's death was almost desirable. First of all she was a completely different person, that to me she was already dead. She had come so close to dying so many times that I had been through every possible emotion one can have about one's death. She was suffering so much and made everyone suffer that perhaps it would have been better if she died. We all secretly thought about it. If she succeeded in her suicide attempts, it would hurt, but the nightmare would be over. We all seemed to relish the relief of her passing away – a most disturbing and soul destroying state to be, to wish one's own mother or daughter to die. The surviving of her self immolation on the other hand, reinforced the feeling that this nightmare would go on forever, becoming worse and much more disturbing. We all fell trapped in this hell, and there seemed to be no way out and it seemed nobody could help – the psychiatrists only seemed to gamble various pills hoping some combination would do something. She was finally released from the hospital, burnt all over and wearing a specially made metal cage around her torso that was meant to stretch her burn marks to prevent them from completely shriveling up. Within a few days she somehow managed to burn off the plastic surgery implant she had on her neck using pure alcohol completely destroying it. The routine continued once more, with mother immersed in a silent, dark depression that was so soul destroying she had no will to kill herself or at least she did not have the strength to do so.

All these events meant that I had to put myself completely on the side, so by the time I went to England September of 2003 I had completely forgotten the concept of thinking about oneself. I started counseling at uni and worked with the therapist to regain my sense of self and the concept of putting myself first before others. As I started recovering she disappeared one day, witnesses having seen her with two tanks of petrol. After two or three days of anguish, the police finally found her in a hotel in a random town. She said that she could not go through with it in the end and had given up. That was the last time she attempted to kill herself that I know of, and after that her condition slowly improved giving everyone the chance to slowly heal.

2006 Depression
Three years had passed since then, and life became good again. She had returned back to her normal self, she had taken up many old and new interests, got her old position at work back, made new friends and became an active member of the family and of society. She literally turned everything round and started a brand new life of positivity. 2006 was a great year for everyone, and me, well I had finally reached a state of happiness I had never experienced before. Everything felt right again and I was having bouts of euphoria and no sadness or depression whatsoever. I really felt the worst was finally over, I could move on with my life and my bright future and finally make my biggest dream come true: live in a happy routine. Just like my mum I had finally turned a new chapter in my life and I was ready to take on the world with my talent and imagination. Most importantly I felt great gratitude for all the great lessons I had learned from this experience, feeling stronger, more mature, even enlightened in some way. Boy was I wrong. By the end of 2006 my closest friend, whom I regarded my soul mate and who was also my housemate at the time started entering a depression of her own. The setting was eerily familiar, the gradual descend, the inertia, the aggressive behaviour, the obliviousness and forgetfulness and the irrational thinking. It was not clinically serious like my mother but it was still bad.

The way this disease slowly crept up meant that I unconsciously entered again the vicious circle of the depressive routine I had previously experienced. You would think after all the great lessons I had learned I would have been strong and wise enough to put myself out of the loop and even be supportive to my friend. Instead I found myself deeply immersed within the depression desperately fighting to not go under myself, literally feeling forcibly pulled into the darkness once more. What's more, I stupidly tried to hold on to that glimpse of happiness I had experienced earlier that year – I simply did not want to go back to that state. It was not long before I caved in and became depressed myself, my friend's condition becoming a constant fear and nightmare I could not escape from as it took place once more in my own home. There were weeks that I would cry myself to sleep every night, desperately begging God to bring an end to this. I would pretend to go somewhere just to go to the park nearby and endlessly sob. I would unsuccessfully try to hide any emotion to avoid upsetting her. Instead, my continuous struggle to drown my emotions, made me mirror or identify with the exact feelings perceived which was even more upsetting to both of us. By the summer of 2008 when she started recovering, our relationship had become bruised. I had developed a deep fear of her emotional imbalance and had become so traumatised that I had constant nightmares about it and was obsessively preoccupied with every traumatic event that had happened those 2 years we lived together. She on the other hand was very disappointed with my seemingly immature behaviour, weakness and inability to be emotionally supportive.

2008 Mania
After we parted our ways I barely had time to recover, reflect and tend to my new wounds. It seemed that what had happened was just a little teaser, a preparation for what was coming next. Mum had entered a very serious manic state that followed textbooks by the letter. She exhibited rapid speech, insomnia, fascination with thought patterns, delusions, bouts of rage, hyper-religiosity, magical thinking and grandiosity, until she finally entered complete psychosis (due to the lack of sleep). This was the worst state I had ever seen her in. She was completely and utterly mad. Something was different though, this was the first time I was an outsider as I was not there to enter the 'loop' I had entered the other two times. That experience with my friend helped me realise that the only way to help someone with a huge problem is to be detached from the situation altogether. Not emotionally detach like I tried to do previously, but detach from the setting, just like a psychologist approaches a patient with emotional sensitivity but is not involved in the life of the patient directly. Of course the previous two times I did not have the chance to adopt such a role as I was an integral part of both of their lives and thus had allowed myself to become a victim of the situation just like them. Now being far away in England when the mania started, I was in the position to adopt this outsider view I wished I had with my friend and my mum in the past. It was clear to me that what had happened with my friend prepared me for this moment of crisis, and I was finally ready to help! And so I did.

With sensitivity, calm and tactic I helped her to see how her behaviour was different and persuaded her to take her pills. When the situation got worse she was arrested and taken to the newly built psychiatric ward. It was not a place of terror anymore, but a hospital that accommodated people with sickness. Her disease was not horrifying but was just an imbalance of chemicals within the brain that made her suffer. I would sit with her and talk to her like I should, not like her emotionally distraught son that could not handle the nightmare that was – god forbid! – brought upon him but like the emotionally sensitive son that recognised the illness of his mother and would calm her down with his acceptance rather than his rejection. I had reached clarity in more aspects than one, having discovered that what she had was a serious case of bipolar disorder that affects thousands of people and was not something 'special' that was just happening to us. We also discovered the great role the doctors' irresponsibility and unprofessionalism played in all of this, as well as the backward system and lack of support in this country, but I will not get into that. We all, including my grandparents and sister, made it right this time. We had been through this before and we now knew exactly what to do – without repeating the mistakes of the past – we had all visibly grown. It was much harder on the rest than it was for me as they were already part of that loop, part of her life, but they still reacted in the best possible way. It seemed that this crisis was a catalyst for everyone to redeem themselves, even my mother. It helped us all to come to terms with the past, and it helped her to become aware of her own condition. It was a very hard time and it felt like going to hell and back, but I felt stronger. I honestly felt that this was the last test, the chance for everyone to finally fulfill this lesson and then it would be over for good. And it was.

2009 Death
2nd of May 2009 she poured two tanks of petrol in her car and blew herself up. That was it. After years of trying, after years of everyone waiting for it to happen, it did. Death is so abrupt, so final, it's just over and nothing can be done about it. There's no undo button, and no amount of pills in the world can bring her back. She left without saying goodbye, no letters, nothing. No one has seen the body so it is almost like she disappeared. The only symbol of her death that we were given was her coffin, and the whole ceremony of the coffin going inside the earth was just horrific. Yes death has brought the slight relief everyone was expecting, we now know that we will never go through this again, at least not with her. It is a very bittersweet relief though and I would probably choose she was still alive even if she was still sick, although perhaps that would be a bit too selfish considering how much she was suffering. She was an amazing, beautiful, sweet and caring person – and that is why she will be thoroughly missed. She loved children and besides being an active member of unicef she took many orphans under her wing that she personally took care of. She was a complete mum, taking care of us with pure love and always making sure we had everything we needed. We were very close to her and would share with her everything about our lives without any need for censorship. She was a funny and excited person, with many elaborate interests and many friends that adored her. It is hard to think of something negative about her, although if I had to pick one it would be that she cared so much about other people that she would go a long way often to her own detriment to help them. She was indeed very pure and very kind, and I am really not idealising her because she is dead. She was so kind and obliging that she was often taken for granted which sometimes hurt her. If you brought her the smallest gift she would jump up from excitement and gratitude.

Here I am in Cyprus, going through her stuff, scattered objects left behind by their owner that have lost their meaning and have become themselves dead. Her most recent diaries are filled with nonsense she wrote during her sleepless manic states - hundreds and hundreds of pages about her spiritual revelations and the amazing connections she thought she was making. In the peak of her mania she developed an obsession with certain random objects and she makes lists of these objects over and over again, together with time and date of when she sees these objects. She thinks she can manifest paper clips and that the indicators of the car show her where to go. She thinks that her burn scars are disappearing and that she has new scars which are stigmata. She believes that she is the reincarnation of Mary Magdelene who had the baby of Jesus, which is me, and I am Mark the Evangelist while Irene is the Virgin Mary who has given birth to Jesus who is Panos. These are all things she kept repeating to everyone so there's nothing really new in these diaries – just the distorted ramblings of a very disturbed individual.
Going through the stuff I hope to find a glimpse of life, a feeling that she is still somewhere near me but all I feel is emptiness and everything seems empty and dead. My grandmother tells me "I might talk and laugh, but inside my heart has melted" and I know exactly what she means. We have all become zombies, going through the notions of life, being more or less the same as we were before, but inside we are completely empty and lifeless. The void she has left inside each one of us is great. I could at any time now give up everything and become a hermit, or just do nothing until I die from hunger. But I choose to pretend that I care about life, that I give a damn about petty little problems or mundane everyday preoccupations. I mechanically laugh at things and robotically have conversations with people. I dutifully follow the same patterns I followed before only now they're just that, patterns of a lifeless life. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel dead inside. A huge part of me has died and that it is no exaggeration. She was the first person I've ever known, physically connected to her insides for 9 months, and spiritually connected for 25 years. For 25 years we exchanged unconditional love between us, pure mother-child love which is simply irreplaceable. I think the emptiness within me is obvious to people just like I have observed this emptiness in people that have had deaths in their families. I have had many dreams of her, in the beginning she would appear as a hollow ghost, an effigy, then she became just the distant reflection of an image. I feel so sorry for Irene, being pregnant when this happened, and then giving birth and raising two kids with this constant feeling of emptiness. At least she has the kids to keep her busy and to give her hope and strength, although knowing her she has probably entered emergency mode just because she has to raise these kids and who knows when she will be able to think about herself once more and deal with her wounds. As for me I have nothing really to keep me going but my creations. I continue to create and imagine but always under the gloomy shadow of her death. One day things might become bright again but I can't see any way for the shadow to completely disappear.

My greatest wish right now is to establish some sort of connection with her, a hint that she still exists someway or another. It is funny how the outcome of the first crisis with her led me to become a very spiritual person and believe in the existence of the soul while the second and final crisis led me to doubt this completely. The shock of the disconnection was just so great that it is very hard for me to believe that she exists in another form. I don't know if it is because she was my mother but I always sensed her presence even when we were miles apart, now that feeling is gone – I certainly cannot sense her here but I also don't sense any hint of her flame somewhere else. A psychologist would tell me that I should make a connection with the past, the memories I have of her and appreciate her great contribution in my life instead of obsessing about her spiritual existence. I would then answer that her mania and death were a great shock to my belief systems and that if I don't find a way to reconcile the conflicting experiences I've had I would have to reconsider my whole world view once more. The way I see things now is that all the spiritual symbols and belief systems are metaphors that can be traced to electro-chemical interactions with the body and the nervous system, which is all fine. The conflict lies in the fact that scientific terms such as electricity, chemicals, energy etc. are just as symbolic and fleeting as their spiritual counterparts and can be seen in reverse metaphors of the spiritual systems. In effect science is a belief system just as any spiritual system, with its own dogma, symbolic imagery and that certain secret agreement between its followers to avoid things that don't make sense or give them religious names such as the Big Bang. So both views are symbolic, metaphoric and fleeting, which again is fine as it is established how the brain works on qualia, packages of subjective metaphors that are infinitely open to interpretation. The problem is that if everything is metaphorical, it means that everything in a way is fake or unreal, which is exactly how I feel right now about everything. If only I had a glimpse of reality behind this apparent random sea of metaphors, a connection to a world that is real and pure perhaps I would come out of this seemingly eternal feeling of emptiness. I am sure I will make some sense out of this one day. Perhaps what I need is a huge bag of weed. Or acid. Mum I miss you, without you I feel like nothing, and no matter how much I rationalise, how many blog entries I write, how many metaphors I find to come to terms with what happened to you, nothing will change that. Love you M.

Post-crap
Having written this massive entry, I know feel very much relieved, albeit the feeling of emptiness is greater now that I've all this out. These are all things that I needed to tell someone so I could hear them myself, and writing them down does help a lot. Some obvious patterns: me coming to a peak state in confidence and self-empowerment only to have it crashed or put on hold because of a (self-)destruction of a loved one, finding myself immersed, identifying with and unable to come out of said loved one's difficulty (the loop), loved one finally starts to recover giving me breathing space to recover and pick up my broken pieces just like them. A certain identification and mirroring behaviour can be seen here, even at my mother's death I find myself developing a feeling of death inside. Out of this identification and immersion then stems a need to escape or avoid the problem, and because the source is seen to be external, there is a struggle to flee from the external causes rather than the internal causes within. In all cases participants come out wiser than before, so the negative experience is always seen to have a positive outcome. I wonder if I have now escaped the loop of such experiences or whether it will come back to haunt me once more. Somehow I am not convinced it is over just yet. If seen from a personality cluster perspective, ie. other people are just different facets of the same self, then within this microcluster a 'fault' is developed in its biochemical makeup (mum) which is then spread throughout the healthy cluster (family), healthy cluster filters out the fault and attempts to fix it while the faulted bit tries to self-extinguish itself. The correction mechanism leads to an evolution of the cluster as a whole, in effect the fault is in itself a mechanism that triggers evolution. Eventually in this microcluster the faulty bit sacrifices itself to make way for further evolution of the rest of the cluster, and perhaps return (as in reincarnated) or make space for new parts of the cluster to build on the lessons learnt and continue working for further development.

I'm tired of this crap. What I want is to be normal again. I want to stop thinking about my mum's death. I think about it everyday. Constantly. The first thing I think about when I wake up. The last thing I think about when I go to bed. It's really exhausting and soul-crashing. Everything around me is a reference to her death. Every little thing or word can spark the memory of her death in me. I keep thinking about the things I could have done differently. The things I've done that I shouldn't have, or the things I didn't do that I should have done. I keep thinking of the beautiful things she did for everyone. Her kind nature. I keep thinking what a waste it is that this person has gone, when they were making everyone's life so beautiful. Yes when she was sick it was hell, but the good she did when she was well far outweighed that. Yes I would rather go through hell with her every now and then and have her around in her good times and the bad times until she died from old age or from a natural cause. I wish I had quit my job and stayed with her until she got well. I wish my brain would think of something else besides her. I need peace. Yes I would consider ending my life now if I didn't know how it affects other people. I keep thinking of my last days with her, in the psychiatric ward and the events that led to that. They were horrific and traumatising yet I relish those moments because she was still alive. I miss being with her, even when she was in the hospital talking complete absurdities and attacking everyone. I think about the last conversation we had on the phone, she was telling me about her irrational fears that terrorised her, yet I relish that last phonecall and all I think about is her sweet melancholic voice. When I dream about her I recognise that it is just a ghost, a figment of my imagination, yet all I want is to hug that effigy and express my love to that hollow image. I fantasize about possible scenarios of her return and how I would react and what I would tell her. Every night I try to communicate with her, begging her to send me a sign. I desperately want to be normal again. Yet I know that what she has done is mark my scars permanent. It is virtually impossible to get over the suicide of a loved one, especially one's own mother. Before the suicide I was sure I could get over all the attempts and the fire, but now I have been stamped for good. Her actions will define me for the rest of my life, and although I might be able in the future to appreciate the lessons I have learned from all this nothing will change my yearning to see her again. I keep repeating myself in this blog, and in my head, well these thoughts have been recurring since she died. Everything I have written in this mega entry are things that I am constantly preoccupied with, even the spiritual-existential stuff, which represent my way of trying to come to terms with things. And although the spiritual stuff have been sufficient in the past for me to deal with what I was going through, now I'm in need of a different truth, a world-view that can accommodate this tragedy, that can justify this loss. Irene told me the same thing today, ever since mum died she stopped believing in reincarnation, the after life or anything spiritual and has become a complete nihilist. I am with her on this. Thanks mum for rocking our belief systems and shocking us for good one last time, I am sure we shall learn a great lesson from all this that will probably occupy the rest of our lives. Thanks for this opportunity. Now please come back. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.

The End

2009-05-11T11:11:00.006+01:00

Yolanda stepped out of the car and her body. Through the window she could see herself igniting the mass of meat she once called her temple. She was not interested in the doings of her body anymore, in fact she had lost any interest in all things terrestrial, her mind set to the stars. This body’s function had come to an end – there was no use in it left and she felt no remorse for its demise. She turned away from the car as the flames completely enveloped her lifeless blackened face. With new found clarity she slowly walked through the sunlit field – she could only perceive silence. With all her bodily organs absent, she felt light as a feather. The weight of her once overbearing brain had gone, no more thoughts, no more voices, no more feelings and memories. The constant excruciating inflammation of her fiery heart was now quenched with the coolness of silent haze. The hollowness of her insatiable stomach was replaced by the fullness of the promise of an ending. She continued down the field, her self-awareness like a white dress slowly slipping off of her.

Behind her the car had burst into flames and two young firemen who had seen the fire from afar ran to see what was happening. She conveniently parked the car just near a fire brigade – after all, she did not want to cause any harmful fires. To her these boys were merely shadows from the distant realm of everydayness, where life carries on from day to day trapped within bodies of malfunctioning organs. These shadowy creatures, unable to interact directly with their environment in any meaningful manner were thus forever condemned to a life behind shadows and objects. Unable to put out the fire themselves for their meaty constitution would not have been able to withstand the heat, these creatures brought forth devices that contained a substance that could drown her fires. Through the windows white, thick smoke dust ejaculated from these devices and onto the red and orange tongues of heat. The dust particles penetrated the fires reaching Yolanda’s flaming body, and although it could feel nothing, for her spirit this felt like a thousand rivers had finally come to extinguish her never ending fire.

As the heavens opened and flooded on her, the last crusts of her self-awareness peeled off and washed away. Any sense of identity and personality, any hint of an ego and false conceptions simply diluted within the cosmic waters. She was no longer Yolanda, she was indeed dead. Yolanda would only be true within the dark cavities of the memories of the people that had known her in the world of shadows, memories that would eventually dilute themselves into the oblivion and fragility of the human condition. As the fires evaporated into smoke off her dead body, so did the last parts of her existence drowned within the infinity of these cosmic waters.

To their astonishment the firemen discovered a perfectly sculpted statue behind the fires.

Ode to Polz II

2007-10-25T11:22:00.002+01:00

Inside the symmetrical temple, the divine creatures worked tirelessly to create her. They used only top-quality material: love, power, beauty, energy, and supreme feeling. They carefully sculpted every bit of her being with extreme precision and attention to detail. They gave her powers beyond human understanding, she was, after all, a divine creation herself just posing as a human being. Finally when their work was done, they placed her inside a glass egg for preservation and display. She was probably the most prized possession of their museum of extraordinary entities, a creature engineered to perfection; tourists spent hours gazing at her beauty and absorbing the energy she so gladly emitted for everyone to share. Anyone who laid eyes on her would be blessed with luck and good charms, anyone who received her sparkling energy would be raised high above the ground and into the soft, swirling clouds.

Perhaps she didn’t know her purpose, no one ever told her after all, that she would be the model for generations of humans to come. Next to her glass egg, new concepts were being displayed as the divine creatures worked for this new reality they called physicality. On her right lied time and space, two truly odd constructs that would accommodate these new beings. On her left lied a map of the universe, a virtual reality populated with interesting structures such as stars and black holes, engineered with precision to assure the sustainability of this new system. The tourists were obviously interested in these new ideas, perhaps one day they would be able to experience this virtual reality, but their true eagerness always remained on the image of this beautiful creature and the possibility of a world populated by numerous such creatures.

Empathy Pains

2007-05-20T12:21:00.001+01:00

I don’t like complaining, but I need to get this off my chest. Being an empath sucks! Perhaps it is my experience of it that is to blame, perhaps I am just a not very advanced empath and that’s why I am suffering a lot of times. See, the way I feel people’s emotions is like distortions in the atmosphere, the stronger the emotion and the more ‘base’ it is, the higher the distortion is. It doesn’t matter whether an emotion is “positive” or “negative” in the traditional sense, someone being very excited about something can be worse than someone being angry. It is all about the quality of the emotion, and from my experience when the emotion is self-centred, whatever that emotion may be, the lower its quality will be. On the other hand higher emotions (that are usually selfless) are felt as an absence of distortion, peacefulness, like everything is right. So when someone is feeling pure happiness or love (which is not very often) I feel happy myself not because of the actual emotion produced, but by the calm absence of distortion in the atmosphere. Now, with prolonged exposure to a person (typically after a minute or two) I am aware of the kind of emotion present, the way I am aware this is by feeling exactly what the other person is feeling in his energy body. This would typically be a sting on the navel chakra, but it can take part on all chakras. The most common ones after the navel is the solar plexus, heart and throat. At this point I am virtually feeling what they are feeling although I may not be able to describe it verbally. That’s because people’s emotions are usually so jumbled up and confused that they themselves may not be clear as to what they are feeling or why. I find a lot of times that I have a better grasp of people’s feelings than they have of their own. With even longer exposure (more than 6 hours) my energy body slowly absorbs these disturbances from the person completely healing them, and causing me to go through what they were going through with these emotions although they are discarded from me at a much more faster rate. One can say that I am an unwilling healer.

It’s been almost a year since my empathic abilities manifested and since then I have been trying to deal with it. I tried using a shield but found it useless in public places or with people I am close to. I tried just going with the flow and letting the distortion just pass through me, but that just made things worse. I have found that alcohol completely blocks the empathy, but that sort of block completely alienates me from people and plus I don’t like drinking! The best defence I’ve found against the distortion is creating an inner feeling of happiness and euphoria; this actively blocks my empathy senses as they are saturated by my own feelings. Like a shield this is very hard to keep up for a long time, it can be very tiring and then if I lose it the distortion attacks stronger than before. It is the best way I have found though for blocking people’s emotions in cases of public places and mobs in the streets. The worst thing is when I’m not feeling very well myself, if for example I’m depressed or a bit ill then I’m so sensitive to the distortions it almost becomes unbearable. Locking myself in the house is the only solution but I am still affected by my housemate, and if she happens to be in a bad mood… I’m screwed.

I wish people close to me would be more considerate of this, but not a lot of them really believe or can understand what it really means to be an empath. One thing is for sure though, empathy has brought me closer to people, or more like accept everyone for what they are. Being able to read everyone like open books means that I can see beyond their layers of false personality and get a glimpse of their essence, which is beautiful in each and everyone. :)

The Programmer

2007-04-13T01:13:00.006+01:00

The universe? Well, it was quite a radical idea for its time, although at the time there was no time. It was based on a simple code really, with a few basic parameters; its elementary structure was the manifestation of the strange theory of "opposite attraction." This revolutionary hypothesis postulated the expression of two interacting yet completely opposite forces. These opposing forces in their pure state had no characteristics or attributes, the only distinction between them was their inherent division and contradiction. In the core of each force we placed an equal sample of the opposite force, so as to ensure an underlying attraction and prevent their cancellation. With this cross-sampling we accomplished a stable single force with its foundation intrinsically divided yet constantly attracted in itself. This force can be imagined as a disc containing a particle and an anti-particle with their nuclei switched between themselves. Once this basic set of code was completed, all we had to do was to set it into a spinning motion; in effect our part in the creation of the universe was only that of the initial dual code and that first push to set it into motion. After that, everything just took form on its own; of course we had already anticipated some of the first explications of the code, but we only anticipated up to a certain point, afterwards the code would get too complicated to predict.

In essence what happened was that this “particle” if one may call it that, started duplicating itself, creating many particles that, driven by their inherent attracting opposite forces started interacting with each other. The growing in complication interactions between these particles would create bigger clusters of particles that as units would interact between even bigger units. This new dynamic created by the interaction between the primordial particles is what created the first manifestations of time, space and evolution. The latter most importantly was an after effect of the initial spinning motion that we had specifically programmed. Particles work alone or together to evolve into more complicated sets of parameters, and therefore receive more means to react and evolve further. As they move along the spiral like motion, they interact with each other and their reaction brings about a change that is internalised in a loop. Once the particle-group is habituated with this new set of coding it springs upwards continuing the spiral motion, in other words, it evolves. One could then say that evolution is a result of program conflict.

The first complicated programs to evolve are what are called the “Master Programs.” These are very large in space yet quite simple in coding structure in comparison to the “Living Programs”. The Master Programs are essentially pure equations (combinations) of particles that interact with each other at a larger scale. These include (in no particular order): gravity, electromagnetism, radiation, stars, black holes, galaxies, nebulae, dark matter, elemental matter, minerals, crystals, atoms, quanta. Note how all these are interrelated with one another, forming groups and sub-groups. Once all the Master Programs are established we come to the end of the first wave of explication of code.

The second wave of program evolution came about when the Master Programs, having reached a saturated state of complication of code started creating more complex structures, the “Living Programs” as aforementioned. This new set of programs in comparison to their ancestors, were very compact containing far more information yet occupying a miniscule amount of space. This meant that they did not possess the global scale influence that the Master Programs had, although they themselves were largely influenced and motivated by the Master Programs as a basic background framework. Examples of the first manifestations of this complicated set of codes include proteins, and early forms of nucleic acids. These new programs, following the primordial notions of movement, action, reaction, interaction and reproduction kick-started their own game of evolution among themselves (always with the Master framework as a backdrop) that itself evolved to a new dynamic called “survival”, or in simple terms, the perpetuation of a particular set of code.

I guess the point of this experiment was to prove that through an oxymoron, a paradoxical set of coding, an anti-reality if you may, we could create (anti-)entities capable of experiencing or producing reality in themselves. Capable of realising that the reality that surrounds them can only be anti-reality, and henceforth devising and discovering ways of uniting with the real world. What we had in fact proven was that it was possible for a perfectly complete individual living entity to be born out of nothing, well, almost nothing. It was an interesting experiment, aye, it ignited some heated debates at its time but like all fads, it just faded away at some point, abandoned, left in its own devices. Now and then I wonder whether there are still living entities in there, wondering why their world is so absurd, trying to find their way out…

The truth is… “nobody” actually programmed this system you call the “universe.” The programmer of the universe was programmed by the programmer of his own universe; just another program created by another program in the grand hierarchy of programs…

MANIFESTO v.∞

2007-02-14T12:21:00.001Z

Ultimate Reality Check / ReEvaluation

I have been having a hard time (psychologically) for over a week now; the last time such an extended depression had occurred was around the beginning of December. My problem at the time was feeling completely dissociated from the physical world and so I started a grounding procedure that led to a very positive and content mood. My heart chakra was fully balanced and I felt a pure love for everyone and everything, the beauty I saw everywhere was so immense that at times I felt like crying. At nights, I stopped involuntarily projecting to other planes and instead remained in the dream plane where I spent time with my family. Yet I find myself depressed again, and this time I seem to find no reason. I’ve become very anti-social and have been manically cleaning; I have no appetite nor care about self-maintenance. The sky is permanently dark and grey. My insight last time was that depression is self-indulgent, so I let my self indulge but now it’s time to spiral above my ego, and back to living in the present. I found this “manifesto” that I’ve written in June and I have found it to be quite powerful to read, it completely sobers me up and puts me into focus. I have made some adjustments, and will use this as a tool whenever something feels wrong.

(Speaking of wrong though, there is something fishy going on in a spiritual level, something is brewing, a change is poking from the other side, trying to manifest. Polz has felt it also although she sees it more as an internal transformation whereas I see it as a global one. It doesn’t feel good nor bad, it’s just neutral, like this smoke coming in between things and slightly blurring them, taking them out of focus and perhaps transforming them into something else. Something is definitely going on.)

Friday, June 2, 2006: “The following manifesto is version ∞ because it has been written/expressed an almost ∞ number of times in the past in my various diaries, sketchbooks, poems, trances, trips and dreams. It is the ultimate check of reality checks, it is the divine reminder, the road to the “formidable” exit. This new version marks the realisation of this set of rules as constants, thought manifestations of a message sent a long time ago. In other words, it is a survival guide for old soles like me and you.”

- I am more than my physical body.
- I am more than the sum of all of my thoughts.
- Every day is a new day, and I am a new person.
- I have chosen to enter this vehicle.
- I love myself and my body.
- I have chosen the course of this material life life.
- I am fully in control of this life.
- I am learning through the experience of material life.
- I am sharing the experience of material life.
- I am a part of a larger personality cluster.
- Knowledge is a force that guides me.
- Creation is a force that guides me.
- Intuition is a force that guides me.
- Beauty is a force that guides me.
- Love is a force that guides me.
- Gravity can pull me down but also lift me up.
- Light is the essence of matter.
- Limitlessness is my goal.
- Truth is my goal.
- Purity is my goal.
- Peace is my goal.

Grounded

2007-01-27T14:41:00.007Z

I've had some grounding problems that were causing great discomfort in my everyday life, my excessive meditations and obsession with all things spiritual completely removed me from my physical existence, I'd find myself floating just above my head most of the time and seeing everything from a non-physical perspective. I felt completely disconnected from the physical world to the extent of looking at myself in the mirror and just seeing an image of a mere vehicle, a distant physical representation of myself. This ended up in a short depression period when I decided to take control of the situation and literally ground myself! The same night of this decision I had one last projection that explained to me a lot of things about my purpose here on earth and after that, communication with the higher planes stopped.
See, in order to be a balanced individual, one needs to be in touch with both physical and spiritual planes, one shouldn't take over the other. Now I'm more grounded than ever, my dreams have returned back to normal mundane dreams, I'm taking care of my physical vehicle as my own and I have to say I feel fantastic. When I feel I am fully grounded, I will start a morning mantra meditation to reconnect with the above!

My grounding recipe:
1. Take care and love your body as your own: do not neglect to feed it, daily exercise (gym & yoga), eat healthily, do not smoke, drink or do any drugs, take time to groom it and clean it. Make it look pretty!
2. Meditate on lower chakras, especially your neglected base chakra that can ease you back to earthly existence, pranayama and energy raising to lower 3 chakras.
3. Carry a grounding stone with you, I have an Onyx always in my left pocket, but an Obsidian and other black stones should do the trick.
4. Apply an Amethyst on your forehead when going to sleep. This will soften up the third eye, quiet your over-active mind and also give you pleasant lucid dreams!
5. Have frequent sex with a loved one, sex is a great grounding tool that can balance your over-active heart. Just release all the energy from your heart during... love-making
6. Make sure to socialise at least once a week and appreciate people around you, friends or not. Talking about everyday, mundane, non-spiritual stuff will balance your over-active throat chakra.

The//Warrior

2006-12-06T03:03:00.018Z

The Crystal Dragon
This has been going on for quite a while now, but I have never talked about it directly (partly because it all sounds so off the wall) and I think it’s time I put all of my experiences into order. As a child I was trained in a Crystal Dragon temple, and by the age of 6 I had compiled a large journal of my experiences in this temple. The training involved lessons on the origin/makings of the universe, astral projection, shielding, healing and energy raising. I also received some peculiar lessons about evading time through vortices (black holes?) that are scattered throughout the universe, and was shown a great variety of worlds/locales in the astral plane. The end of the training became quite violent, as I was shown how to battle using energy through my fingertips as a primary weapon but also using the imagination to conjure up objects that could act as weapons. It was about that time that my training had stopped, or I quit, but I was left with the power of channelling. Only in very few occasions have I managed to channel information at my own will; most of the time the channelling process starts on its own distorting any physical sound around me and creating a loud high-pitched sound in my head that leads me into a trance. Throughout the past 20 years I have channelled various information (whether in 'speech' form or in visual form) ranging from the macrocosmic to the microcosmic from 3 distinct sources but have been unable to make contact on my own initiative except a couple of times. At around the age of 10, I decided to start meditation, which mostly involved chakra activation, microcosmic orbit and mantra chanting in the lotus position. All my spiritual knowledge at the time was coming directly from my parents who were involved in the very traditional and strict eastern philosophy of Sant Mat. For the next 10 years or so, I was meditating on and off, and had some very interesting experiences including past-life regression but never consciously went to any astral temples. I actually had forgotten completely about my experiences in the Dragon temple, dismissing the book I had written as childish fantasies.

Turning point
By the age of 18, I had finally got over a long and heavy teenage depression and was finally out of a truly traumatic school experience where I was bullied and outcasted. By that time my meditations had also become quite sporadic as I was involved in the normal things people get up to during that age, i.e. sex, drugs and drum ‘n’ bass. That didn’t last for long though, soon something would happen that would scar me for life… To cut a long depressing story short, my mother, a highly spiritual person was reaching a great breakthrough in her spiritual advancement when an incarnate neg came into her life. She described him as "a person without an aura" and she had disturbing past-life memories of him as a Nazi (my family was involved in WWII in our previous life), in a matter of months she went completely mad and unsuccessfully tried to kill herself numerous times using quite… unusual methods. The doctors could not explain it, she was given so many pills that absolutely had no effect on her and probably made things worse. Finally after two years of suicide attempts, she put herself on fire and now she is scarred for life physically and spiritually. My whole family was completely destroyed and separated because of this incident but I will not go into more gruesome details, the important thing is that this traumatic experience completely reshaped me and changed me. For those two years of hell on earth, I had completely forgotten who I was as I had to put my emotions aside so as not to go mad myself but also because I had no time to think about myself, my life revolved around preventing her from killing herself or taking her to the hospital every time she’d do something crazy. I was basically left alone to do this, as my father fled the house not being able to handle the pressure and became an alcoholic fugitive. By the end of the second year of suicides, my sister had finished her studies abroad and came back home so I went to study in London; we basically switched places. That first year in England was perhaps the most depressing year of my life; being away from the situation, I only knew what was happening through the phone while trying to grasp the emotions that I had accumulated over the years. Nervous breakdown upon nervous breakdown, I started to rediscover myself and build strength and hope out of utter nothingness. I realised that I had great power within me, not a lot of people would have survived what I had been through. I realised that life was worth living, and that suicide was not an option; through my mother’s suffering and my pain I found light. And the light urged me to return back to meditation, to rediscover my spirituality and my long forgotten childhood. Healing my wounds was a slow and painful process, but now looking back to what happened, I wouldn’t change anything. It all happened for a reason, and I’ve become a stronger, better person because of it.

Phase shift
It was almost two years ago that I started being interested in astral projection when I was given a book called “The Magic of Astral Voyages.” I was really fascinated and wondered why I hadn’t thought about projecting before even though I knew about it. I soon read everything there is about it on the internet, got all the Monroe, Bruce and Castaneda books and read them all back to back. I also got hold of the Hemi-Sync Gateway series, and it’s been two years now that I listen to the hemi-sync sounds every single night while trying to project. My first conscious projection happened in March 2006, although I had many experiences before that through lucid dreaming including some visitations to the Akashic records (led by an animal guide) and encounters with my guides. Since then I have projected many times, stumbled on a few obstacles, flew around the galaxy, accessed some very ancient previous lives and developed a very strong sense of empathy that I struggled to cope with during this summer. My projections are not OBEs in the traditional sense, I seem to just shift from one plane to the next without any linear transition, which is a much faster process but I still don’t seem to have control over what ‘station’ I’m tuning into; I just automatically tap into the dimension my frequency has the closest affinity to. It’s amazing how many things have happened, and the amount of information I have channelled over such a small period of time. Needless to say, slowly memories of my childhood training started emerging and after a thorough excavation in my parents’ old house I found the book I had written so many years ago. The writing style is too advanced for a 6 year old, and so is the scientific and spiritual knowledge in it… it’s just surreal.

Warrior training
Since September my experiences have taken a very different turn. During a projection, I was led by a guide through a dark underground corridor to a set of sliding elevator doors. The guide explained to me that there is a “Master” on the ground floor who will bring me up if he thinks I am ready to be initiated. The elevator comes down and I get in and go up but the doors don't open so I go back down. The guide tells me it's not time yet. The process is repeated several times until finally the saint presses this red button and I'm out in the ground floor, which is not really a floor of a building but this vast beautiful green landscape. The saint looks at me and smiles and leaves, and I ask my guide "so that was it? I'm initiated now?" the guide says yes. It was at that time that I realised there was a long queue behind me in the dark corridor waiting to come up. After that, I had a series of training sessions with a group of people for surviving the “big flood,” these involved very repetitive dreams where I had to evade a large wave of water while helping other people out of the flood. At the successful end of these sessions, the guide that supervised the training came to talk to me in private so the rest of the group wouldn’t hear. He gave me some sad news about a member of my family dying in the near future, but also said that I shouldn’t worry, that everything would end soon. I was like "everything, as in everything?" he said yes and then I looked down (I was at the top of a building) and there was a parade of soldiers all dressed up as ancient Greek warriors; they were presented as actors doing their part in the great play, the ‘upcoming war’.

For another few weeks, whenever I would go to bed, I would shift into this dimension that looked like a huge fighting arena with many levels/floors. Here I faced some scary demon-looking creatures that I intuitively knew I had to fight. Whenever I’d lose, the whole thing would start all over again until I got it right. This “battle training” lasted for weeks making me very tired in physical waking life as I barely managed to get any sleep. The good thing is that I was getting better at it, up to the point where I would ‘win’ my enemies every time. After the initial shock of this very violent training, I started becoming very accustomed of it so one day I decided since I couldn’t project in the outside world, to project within myself and clean up my core images. What I found in my heart chakra was a large amount of ugly core images all over the place. They all had an image of this tall man with a beard that looked quite frightening, I don't know who this man was but I instinctively knew I had to destroy him. I quickly took out my rocket launcher and started shooting at him; whenever I'd 'kill' him another image of him would appear and soon there were thousands of copies of him everywhere. I found a large endless staircase and on each step there was a copy of this man. I flew down the stairs to the ground level and randomly shot everywhere until each copy was gone. Then he appeared in his true colours, he was in fact this floating semi-transparent dark spirit with a large coiled tail like a reptile, and when I saw his 'real' looks my fear was completely gone and quickly shot a rocket at him burning him into ashes. The relief was tremendous and I slept like a baby after that. The core image hunting continued for 3 days, until I returned back to the ‘battle arena.’ This time things felt different, it felt that it wasn’t training anymore, that if I lost there wouldn’t be a repeat and I had the profound feeling that I was now chasing other people’s demons, although I am not sure what that meant. Everyday life had become unbearable during this time, and I went through a small depression, which could be an effect from all the core image cleansing. I felt completely disconnected from the physical world to the extent of looking at myself in the mirror and just seeing an image of a mere vehicle, a distant physical representation of myself. I finally stumbled on a book about angels that said that the ‘ego is very self-indulgent’; I felt that I was just indulging my ego by being depressed and immediately the depression disappeared. Talk about fast depression recovery! I finally returned back to normal sleep, and I finally had the chance for some peaceful energy raising. My inner projections continued, now without the core images, and during my visit to the navel chakra I got to see how emotions are generated and manipulated through this complicated mechanism of spinning wheels. I am sure I have heard about this spinning wheel mechanism before but I am not sure where.

Last night, my questions about all this have been finally answered. I was back in this vast temple/castle that I had seen before in my projections and my dreams. The endless staircases, the labyrinth of corridors, the smell of old stone, large museum-like chambers, murals on the walls, it was all there, but this time there was something different, it was filled with people! These people walked around in a hurry talking with each other, or going about their own business. In fact everybody was moving in fast motion, including me, and it distinctly felt that I was in a school; I joked to myself that this was like Harry Potter. ‘Nah. We’re more like the Jedis’ said some laughing voices and I realised I was with a group of fellow students that heard my thought. It was made clear to me that we were to investigate the ‘enemy formation’ and we descended down an underground tunnel that led to another completely different setting. The group cautioned me not to go any further, and I told them I knew what I was doing; I took a peak out of the tunnel and what I saw was what looked like the clone army from Star Wars making these very peculiar spiral formations across a mountain. I thought to myself that it was funny that the Jedi comment made everything Star Wars themed, when I was spotted by one of the clones and they started throwing fireballs at us. The whole scene restarted again from the beginning with us entering the tunnel which made it obvious that this was just a training session. The thing kept repeating and repeating until at some point I got hit by a fireball and with some panic I extinguished the fire off of me and returned back home.

It all sounds quite absurd but I can’t help but to see connections here. I was never into the whole Star Wars thing, nor did I ever bother reading about the Jedi temple in the astral etc. After this experience though, I have done some investigation and found that the Jedi temple is actually the Warrior’s temple in the astral, a place that many people claim to at least have seen. It would make sense that I was at some point initiated into this temple and went straight to the warrior training before being allowed to see and interact with these other people. It’s funny, because I have been complaining that I’m a solitary mercenary without any help whereas in fact I am just part of this larger community of warriors. God, it all sounds so absurd! Warriors? What are we fighting against, who is this enemy, and what of this war? I looked it up on many forums and people deny the existence of a war, but then again why would we be training if there isn’t any war? Need more information!

LOVE

2006-11-23T02:02:00.004Z

Not erotic love, not friendly love, not motherly love, but just pure love – well, as pure as it can get on an otherwise impure planet. Forget all your conceptions and misconceptions, love is just a word, a code applied to a concept that cannot be described by language, for language is merely an imperfect code laid out by imperfect beings, which clearly cannot describe neither perfection nor what lies beyond it. Love is not an emotion, love is not a feeling, love cannot be heard or seen or touched. Love just is. Love has no opposite, no other side, no downside. It cannot be compared to anything, it cannot be measured, it cannot be accounted for. Love is perfect. Love is the sum of the universe, love is the driving force of life, love is every atom and every void, love is you and me. Love is the greatest lesson in this universe. Love is just a word.

Freedom without Love
Yet, if love is everywhere, and love is all there is, then it baffles me to see people completely block it and ignore it as almost something trivial. I do not understand, shouldn’t everyone want to love and be loved? It is the great tragedy of the human condition to oppose its very nature, the billions of atoms filled with love that make us up. Offer your unconditional love to another human being, and they might not even acknowledge the gesture, let alone its content. Open your heart inside out, and hit a brick wall. Utter “I love you” and receive mockery and disbelief. Show them recognition and respect, give them affection and care, pleasure, laughter and sex and they will gladly take it. For some people, these things qualify as love, for some people, this is the only ‘love’ they have ever felt. It saddens me to find how people are totally oblivious and unresponsive to love; it truly devastates me to see how everybody’s hearts are all so completely blocked. People are free, in a prison without love. What a paradox, what an oxymoron, what a tragedy.

Captivity with Love
What happens then, if you find youself in this loveless prison having acquired, understood, been enlightened with Love? Then you recognise your imprisonment, you realise you are not free, you realise you are a captive, a renegade, an outcast in a prison without love. You are innocent, yet found guilty. You love, but your love has no place in this prison. You quickly turn to your fellow prisoners but they think they’re free! You try to give them love, you try to make them understand, but they do not want to see, they do not want to open their hearts, for that would lead to the realisation of their own imprisonment, failing to see how this realisation is the closest they could ever be to actual freedom. Slowly and quite painstakingly, you find others that have opened up their hearts, others that have realised their false freedom, and between yourselves, quietly and carefully plan your escape. You discover that the only means of escape lies within your own heart; you immerse yourself inside it and explore its endless landscapes, and get a glimpse of what freedom really is. Then you return back to the confines of the prison that becomes smaller and more claustrophobic by the minute. This time though, the journeys inside the world of hearts have armed you with some gifts; you have now acquired empathy, unconditional love, inspiration and creativity. With these weapons on your tired back, you unwillingly become a wilful warrior; perhaps now you can fight them guards that have locked you up in this prison, perhaps now you can free all these souls that think they are free. Perhaps…

Honestly fucked-up

2006-11-11T01:01:00.004Z

I’ve been sincerely and whole-heartedly fucked-up,
Doubly fucked by parents thrice fucked-up,
Three times three, myself I fucked.

The people around me, clearly all fucked-up,
The people I love, conditionally fucked-up,
Two by four, my lovers I fucked.

The culture I live in, undoubtedly fucked-up,
The human condition, factually fucked-up,
Square root six, my perceptions I fucked.

The nature of one’s fucked-upness,
Relies on the basis of one simple equation:
One plus one equals one, or I just fucked-up.

The Tour Guide

2006-11-03T19:19:00.006Z

*stars for NVC (Non-Verbal Communication)*

…and here we see the *human civilisation*. Yes, these interesting beings were put on a quite hostile planet *a mass place of residence in the material plane* with a highly radioactive absorbent atmosphere that hindered all development throughout the rotating environmental system *the life essence of the planet*; these “humans” had to work against all odds. After they adapted in that environment their intelligence started to gradually escalate. I can’t stress how much their “biological make-up” as they called it *a string of code that was initially used to create them* ran parallel to the environmental conditions, this meant that their physical body *a material representation* was reacting and was vulnerable to these conditions, the result was that they had physical feelings such as *cold, pain, heat, itch and disease* to name a few. In order for this code to work efficiently, a few guidelines were embedded in every sentient being. These were very strict rules, such as the *will to survive, life and death, time, gravity* and of course complete disengagement from the higher planes. As they developed, humans had grown beyond these basic guidelines and moved on to the next set of guidelines *a much more finer set of instructions* that were called *emotions*. The code now ensured a direct interaction between humans and also provided them access to a deeper understanding of being. In the mean time they had developed *logical thinking* an ability created by the effect of linear time and the *law of probability.* This meant that they were developing intelligibly into a better adaptation to the planet, and between each other; with these principles *emotion and logic* they were finally able to name and witness their condition as *humanity.*

They were no longer beings that were only defined by a set of codes, but they became the creators of their own codes and ideas. Yes, they had managed to tap into the faculties of imagination and love, of inspiration and intuition; some of them even managed to escape their physical vehicles. They had in fact moved to an even higher set of codes, a reaction or dare I say, a connection to the higher planes. This connection was very unconscious and something that their emotions would promote but their logic could not fully explain. Thus started *philosophy, mathematics, myth, music, art, magic, religion* which were all based on different combinations of their faculties of logic, emotion, imagination, intuition, creation etc. With these studies, as it were, of that which lied beyond them, beyond their nature and understanding, humanity started the *accumulation* of wisdom, knowledge, memory, image – faculties that were not inherently encoded within them. This meant that they had to develop their own physical codes to store this information for the future *a place in time that eluded them* ensuring the perpetuation of these ideas. Again, the material plane had made it quite hard for them to achieve this, but they gradually found some effective ways such as *verbal communication* and even hard-coding onto material media such as the process of *marking*. Some humans as I said before, managed a direct connection to the higher planes but they as well had to communicate their experiences in these material ways, which of course had their limitations in their extent of translation capacity – this again shows how these beings were greatly hindered by the conditions of physicality.

The nature of these circumstances was what is very interesting about human existence. Humans were in fact, a product of the oxymoron we call physical reality. Their whole existence was in fact an oxymoron, the principle of duality that encoded the material world, the insane concept that *opposites attract*, and they were destined to live a life where all this fragmentation existed all around them, and within them. Their logic versus their emotions, the knowledge, the wisdom, the truth versus material reality. What an amazing place to visit, what a peculiar existence to experience, an anti-reality that poses as reality, and the absurdity of this anti-reality that completely hinders you but simultaneously leads you, pushes you to painstakingly seek for the reality that poses as anti-reality… And thus begun the great migration, millions of beings wanted to go though this existence that promised to teach so much, that could show a completely different perspective, that would add to their already vast bank of knowledge. These external beings mixed with the in-breds to create this vast community of humans constantly striving to understand themselves and the realities and anti-realities that surrounded them. The basic premise was that once you understood the reality of it all through the anti-reality of it all, you would be returned or released back to reality, which would therefore grant you a greater understanding of the reality we call reality. No need to say that it was very easy to get into this plane of existence, but very *hard* to get out of – the hardship was of course all part of the lesson. Yes, I suppose it was an interesting experiment, I heard that they are planning to reconstruct it once more for all them newbies, I, myself, have been part of the 3rd reconstruction of the Earth if I’m not mistaken, went through around 400 life cycles until I was pleased with the level of understanding I developed… It was an interesting experience, I learnt a lot… but I wouldn’t go back, once was enough.

PAST-SELF

2006-09-26T16:06:00.009+01:00

NEW SECTION: (defeatist)PAST-SELF
I’m introducing a new section to the blog (yayyy) it’s called (defeatist)PAST-SELF and it’s basically extracts from previous diaries, sketchbooks, notes etc. It’s called defeatist as most of these will be from the DARK teenage years, where negativity, depression and drama prevailed – the script usually goes from bored to lifted to nihilism and defeatism. Besides that some of this work is still quite beautiful and it’s time it came out of the closet. I’m not embarrassed by it, I embrace it!

This first extract is actually the 5 last verses of a 19-verse epic called The Beginning, the end of the beginning, the beginning of the end, the end of the end. The first 3 sections will probably follow in a random fashion if they really wanna make an appearance that is…

13-20 May 2001

The End of the End

The realisation came cloudful followed by the arrival of myself. She had always been stalking me, trying to present him to me but I had always avoided them until they got to me while I was anxiously participating in my daily hunting: chasing some sleep. We were introduced, he seemed quite fond of me, and I have to admit, he was quite beautifully decorated with features I’d only seen in mirrors. He gave me a long kiss before she separated us. She explained that I was only to examine him closely but there would be no touching – from either side – I looked at my delicate eyes and the way my hair seemed to shift when I turned. I also came to the conclusion that I should smile more often. She then guided me to her target; I was to comprehend how I’d distorted him in a sort of Dorian Grey parody; and how I ought to start repairs. Oh, and how distorted he was alright. I’d start making excuses before I apologised – to him, and myself – she’d then put a glass wall between us, and fled before I exploded. Still, she had done her duty. But now, how can I repair the broken pieces of myself, and my world.

XVI

If those were my foundations, then I suppose I will have to demolish them and find their roots. Radicalism indeed. Thought I had a song for you but it seems as though I have been drained from my vocal virtues, if I ever had any. It seems you have managed by a mysterious way which I fail to comprehend to remove me from my right of expiring the high frequency notes we used to communicate with. As if I have to blame you, since there is nobody else to mock no more; for the absence of sleep I experienced these last few centuries. And if I was to claim my divine Right or file my objection to the supremacy that sleeps just above my head in that mocking way making me fall into a trance of some sort; then I suppose I would regain that sense of hope that things might change.

XVII

I remember the softly spoken magic spells under the sound of bells which brought my inspiring disillusionment only to realise the illusions of the very nature of my inspiration. The dream was a reassurance that the juxtaposition was a nightmare, only due to the fact that I have been abandoned by my sleep, I am forced to live within it. Still, she had done her duty.

XVIII

The glass wall between us had soften and we were able to speak. You told me that I was not to blame, that you would do the same. Either way, you were me. The Eucalyptuses had drained the swamps ages ago. And all that was visible was that huge hole they left behind. I wonder what happened to all that fish. Did they lose themselves in some kind of oblivious sleep which took them down the river? Or did they wake in a waterless pitch, realising that they could breathe without it? Maybe their gills turned into a thousand feet, and they walked away to a forbidden place that they only knew. Would their gods grant them such a favour? Probably they would as their very disappearance would mean their expiration, and they had learnt their lesson since Queen Mab gradually faded out.

XIX

The fish with their new ability to kneel, would praise their fishy gods and although their eternal insomnia was the price, they happily replaced it with running, or walking. Their gods would arrogantly accept their prayers and would now go fishing converting the feetless fish into their new corrupted cult which smelled quite fishy. The patriarchal fish would tell stories of terror about the old curse of Sleep which was nothing but a double waste of time. The fish Gods would be quite satisfied with this propaganda until the fish would ask for more. (They wanted hands.) A reasonable request since the mothers of the tribe requested from their poor husbands to go fishing. They found that catching feetless fish with their feet was quite tricky, and generation would starve. They soon grew hands as the Gods were threatened by the extinction of their deformed species. But when the fish asked for wings for leisure, then it was time to stop. The skies were forced to open once more. Their layers had been ripped in pieces so that the still waters they held on their back would drown the mutated fish. Sleep had returned to the land and the Gods had some entertainment.

But still, she had done her duty. And I, as the only remaining survivor of the sleepless fish cannot fly, and have no God to pray to.

Sacrifice

2006-09-21T12:21:00.002+01:00

This psychic hobo in the street told me that now that I have overcome my great traumatic experience, it is time to understand it, to understand why it happened, to find its purpose. It actually hadn’t occurred to me to see it from that perspective, I mean obviously things happen for a reason but the reason or even the existence of a reason had always eluded me. I was perplexed, what could possibly be the point of those 2 years of absolute hell on earth? I tried to think of what things had changed from before the events and after, but due to my memory gaps from that period and due to my self’s highly sophisticated systems of self-protection I could not even fathom some sort of explanation. All I could see was the negative aspects of it: I have been thoroughly traumatised for life, and the scars will never ever heal, I will be forever defined by that awful experience, and I will be always reminded of it when I see her. I have repeated all this in my blog so many times and it all seems so detrimental. Finally, I found a possible answer. The point of this two year torment was in fact a sacrifice. She sacrificed her own well-being, her own spiritual advancement for our sake. Her shock treatment caused me to totally reinvent myself through losing myself. In fact, we have all been totally transformed by it including her. She has pushed our karmic paths a notch upwards, she literally burnt shit-loads of unresolved karma in a matter of 2 years. Perhaps she took quite drastic measures, but the karma she has resolved and helped us resolve has all saved us eons of lives on this earth. This is such a positive solution I have come up with, it even surprises myself, the book must end with this positive theme. I was already close to finishing my life on this material world, but it seems after the events my time is almost up, I wouldn’t even be surprised if this is my last life here although maybe I’m being a bit too positive here. It is clear that I have made a great sacrifice for her in the past, I mean I did die for her in our previous life… could this be her paying back? I will never know until I manage to see that fucking previous life of mine clearly. It would make sense considering how intimate we were in our previous life and this karmic connection is still strong, perhaps too strong. That is why I’m contemplating over the fact that perhaps with her doing she has cut many karmic ties between us and between him. It could well be the other way. But since I’ve decided to be more positive then I will go for the sacrifice, all-for-the-best concept.

HyperChild

2006-08-21T21:12:00.003+01:00

ChildPowers
Every time I now fall into a trance, my higher self is bombarding me with new information, truths and awakenings. It is hard to remember all of them in their entirety in trance mode let alone in waking physical existence. When I start channelling information my energy body starts to inflate until it becomes this huge balloon or parachute of some sort, bubbling with information and electrifying energy. My chakras all light up instantly, with the solar plexus, heart and third eye having the greatest intensity. Energy from my hands and feet extends to a few feet above me and envelops the whole balloon-me. Electric sparkles flatter in my face tickling my third eye, my cheeks and my tongue. The throat chakra expands into this large phallus like an antenna, transmitting and receiving information. I start constructing my own Mexican pyramid in my head and I start ascending its long, almost never-ending, staircase. At the end of the staircase I find a steep cliff, which I start climbing, on top of this cliff lies the light – blinding, inviting, pure and thoughtless. It seems that the main spiritual abilities I’ve had a propensity to since a child are the ones that are primarily being cultivated in my meditative endeavours now; these are: channelling, empathy and (artistic) inspiration. All three are a form of passive communication, which means that I am more likely to receive information rather than transmit it – I continually absorb truths, feelings and images, some of them unprocessed and of varying degrees of quality. Empathy is perhaps the most passive out of the three, and the least desired but can be evolved to the more active power of healing – something I have great affinity to. Channelling is my least developed ability from the aspect that I cannot invoke it, but when it occurs the information being downloaded is simultaneously actively processed by my analytical mind, an active-passive process (see Chicken voices). Finally, inspiration which has always been my forte, is seeing a great upgrade lately, with images continuously bombarding my brain and my sketchbooks, images of complicated symbolism and memories of past lives. Inspiration flows seamlessly down my arm and straight to my pen, while accumulating in my memory banks leaving me with a great sense of confusion, immense gratitude and awe. In fact, lately I’m feeling that I’m so full of information, whether those are emotional, visual or completely extra-sensory, that I’m going to burst. It has only been a year that I have been seriously meditating everyday, and the progress I’ve made is extraordinary. I am making contact with my long forgotten child-self, a self that had greater insight into the non-matter of things, and with this contact my dormant powers are awakening slowly and steadily.

HyperSolitude
In one of my most recent channellings it was brought to my attention that I am going to be forever alone, in a state of hyper-solitude. I was told that the path I have chosen ensures that. I was shown how my insistence in my meditative, spiritual and creative ventures is setting me apart from everybody else. The loneliness I was presented with, was not a literal or physical one, but rather a deeper sense of solitude. I was told that I will never be understood by anyone in this physical realm, that I have embarked on a spiritual journey with no room for extra passengers. I was shown how other people have gradually been assimilated into this physical reality, while I still remain a child-soul, trying to grasp onto the ‘unreal’, trying to escape this reality. I was reminded of my markings, my drawings and my ideas, the fantasies of my inner child yearning to express his innermost realisations – but the only recipient of these expressions will always be me and no one else. There was a great emphasis on me being a child, a pure form with such an enormous fantasy that itself has created a protective bubble around me, a bubble that is always slightly shifted out of phase from this physical reality. I was presented with the people around me, my loved ones, they too are completely alone in a path of utter solitude; some (the more spiritually advanced) are remotely aware of it, most rather not think about it. It was explained to me that I am helping these people just with my very presence, my unconditional love and my empathy, but that they will never be fully aware of this process, this interconnection we all have together, for we are all truly alone in this. My higher self repeated that this is a warning, that if I continue treading this path my solitude and detachment will only grow, he presented this as a challenge, a lesson that everybody has to learn – that to experience the great truths means going through immense solitude, that only through this hyper-solitude can one finally reach the state of complete annihilation and henceforth a great sense of connection with everything there is. This revelation was as much disconcerting as it was relieving, I felt a wave of reassurance and strength – I then tried to use my analytical mind and the connection was severed. This paragraph completely fails to explicate the information I had channelled.

Wish/self

2006-08-09T12:34:00.005+01:00

Memory Issues
Last night I were 4, I were my physical self-existence, my wish self, my dream self and my higher self. In the beginning, my physical existence took over and gradually became my wish self, then my dream self came in charge and I had a dream. My higher self never took over but its presence was always there. At some point in the dream, our physical self tried to wake us up, he was concerned about what else, TIME. As he woke up, he called quickly get inside, and all the selves jumped inside his body. As they were entering, the memory download started, I tried to remember, I said 4, self in the physical, wish self, dream self and 4th? The memory of the higher self eluded me, I was persuaded finally that I was mistaken, it was three selves after all. As I tried to repeat their now 3 names, the memory of the higher self returned, only to replace the memory of the dream self. In another words I sacrificed the memory of the dream self for the higher self. The whole day I had this incomplete memory, which due to a funny play of download malfunction, I knew everything I have described besides the name of the missing third, the dream self. Only later this day after extensive research in my memory banks have I remembered about the missing link that sacrificed its place for the higher self.

Wish Self
The explanation of the other selves is quite obvious, if not clichéd. But the wish self is oddly specific – such an existence is very rare to come about, only in certain Indian tribe cultures and perhaps in old 70s new age books; internet has no information on it what-so-ever. It’s interesting how the least elusive out of the three selves, eludes literature so much. The explanation is debatable to say the least. The wish self is the function of the wish, an exteriorisation or deification of the wishes of an individual, the self that carries out the wishes, having the ability to make them true, the perfected mirror image of the physical self or the astral self, the self one wishes to be and achieve. The wish self seems to have a motive, a directive, an inert nature for expansion, knowledge, progression, and evolution. Without the wish self, and hence without any wishes, the psyche would not evolve, nor would it want to, and it would comply to a state of inertia until some coincidental or fatalistic occurrence would bring it out of its way. The wish self in other terms is the creative self, wishes are in themselves a matter of creation: they involve the creation of an idea, a wish, and then its execution thereafter is the explication or a secondary form of creation. Could the knowledge of the existence of such a self, lead to the execution of my innermost, noble wishes, at least in the astral if not here? Could the wish self, be my new motive, my new directive, in trying myself to apply and execute my wishes?

Empathy

2006-07-22T22:22:00.004+01:00

I was always proud of my balanced emotional world (the past few years at least), and I have always been a good judge of what people might be feeling at a particular incident – I have been quite a sympathetic person. Little did I know that in the course of my meditation ventures I would develop empathic abilities at such a level where my otherwise balanced, stable feelings would be greatly influenced by the feelings of others.

I can feel emotions in the atmosphere, they saturate the air, they are heavy and burdening on my shoulders. They primarily attack my stomach and/or my heart depending on their ‘quality’. It is now obvious to me that a lot of people fake their emotions; they might be creating the illusion of an emotion with an appropriate facial expression and tone of voice, which can be quite misleading but I know there is nothing there. Similarly, a lot people mask their emotions even from themselves under a veil of cynicism and detachment, creating the illusion of absence of emotion but to an amateurish empath like me their feelings are as obvious as the pain they cause in my stomach. Unexpressed emotions are the worst, they emanate from people and fill the whole room with a suffocating stench of tension and turmoil. People’s emotions are so impure, so confused, so…underdeveloped – now I understand what Rob Monroe meant with M-band distortion. I have become truly sensitive to this unnecessary emotional pollution.

Mild feelings cause a mild disturbance in my solar plexus, which helps me understand and appreciate what the other person is feeling. When faced with stronger feelings though, they are too much to bear; I try to control them by deflecting them or avoiding them, I visualise my shield and even call upon the white light to stop the insanity – but it seems that I am involuntary absorbing them. When subjected to these intense emotions for a long period of time (more than a day) I start reflecting them; so for example if I’m faced with aggressiveness I will start being aggressive myself. Being aware of the process means that I try to put this absorption-reflection under control, but I always end up crying from frustration and emotional imbalance.

Parenthesis

2006-07-10T12:22:00.009+01:00

(She was doomed from the very beginning; a tragic figure destined to live a very tragic life, destined to fulfil the character of her life book. All the odds and bobs in her life were designed to drive her to that specific outcome; yet she had a choice, although perhaps she never realised. She could have treaded another path, but she just snapped. This created a vortex of strong karma, which she will have to remedy in her next life, if not this one; it is never too late. Some people just need shock treatment and we all had it to various degrees and with very different outcomes. I was led to shock, to depression, to post-traumatic stress disorder, to anger, to spirituality and worldly detachment. I have been thoroughly traumatised. Probably something I will never forget, something that haunts my dreams sometimes, and she and her physical condition will always be constant reminders. If she hadn't deformed herself things would have been so much better, but her physical deformation means that she will be forever marked by this dark page in her life, no matter how well she gets, it will always be THERE, in your face, in the mirror. The extreme emotions she went through will have definitely deformed her energy body to a state where she will need to go through a very long healing process. My energy body, I believe has been fully restored and now running better and stronger than before – of course all that meditation and energy raising have helped tremendously and so has the counselling back in the early days. I think I was strong enough not to get too damaged at the time, and I have steadily worked up myself to a quite balanced state, albeit sexually uninterested (which is good for spiritual matters but, yeah, it's bad), detachment from this world (which is also a side-effect of meditation), and social ineptness (but then again it's better than it used to be pre-18.) Perhaps her tragic existence has led me to a better, stronger spiritual life, perhaps it's leading me to a boring, sexless, lonely existence, perhaps both. Sister reacted immediately with a sense of normalisation, she took no time to grieve or be depressed, or some time to introspect. All she wished for was for things to return back to normal, and she has done everything in her power to accomplish normality. She works with denial much better than I do I suppose. Has she cleansed herself I wonder, or has she bottled everything so deep inside that she forgot about it all? This obsession for normality is what is going to lead her to her downfall, how can she expect everything to be normal? I don't know I don't understand her.)

Anti-Reality

2006-07-04T17:17:00.009+01:00

In the course of exploring my astral capabilities I seem to have commenced a reversal of the hierarchy of my perceptions. The physical world is steadily losing its credibility, its “materiality” if you like. I have become subject to subtler energies that had before remained dormant or hidden. People’s feelings and emotions are as visible and clear as their faces – and they are becoming harder and harder to control. Places, trees and animals all of a sudden have acquired a more substantial subsistence. My chakras are reacting spontaneously to a variety of stimuli. My dreams seem more real than everyday life. I find myself walking down the streets of London feeling that there’s something missing, something’s wrong. Why am I on the ground? I should be flying. It’s annoying how I am still controlled by the laws of this physical existence I had signed-up for so long ago. I find myself jumping in the air trying to catch some current that will position me well above gravity’s influence, to no avail. People around me are so unaware, living their physical lives like they should – in ignorance.

Doubts
The physical world has become a sort of holiday spot that I occasionally visit as a break from my high-energy voyages. Of course it has its function and its purpose, but it just seems not very accommodating to my needs lately. I am sure I have many things to learn here still, but I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be able to learn these lessons somewhere else, somewhere less physical, somewhere more… fluid. Time seems to have no effect on me, a few hours of ‘sleep’ every night encompass so much more than a full waking day does. Every night I discover new facets of myself, my existence and the ‘world,’ that hundreds of earth lifetimes could not have accomplished. Yet I am afraid. I am afraid that this growing detachment from the physical world has come too prematurely; perhaps I need to explore and involve myself into physical existence a little bit more. Perhaps, this inherent detachment I have borne since birth is what I have to fight against in this lifetime and therefore come to appreciate what the physical existence has to offer. On the other hand, perhaps I have developed this curse-gift as a natural progression of my total life-experience. Maybe I am reaching the end of this corporeal existence, with this lifetime serving as an anti-climax to a very long material journey. But where is the wisdom, the greater lesson, the knowledge? Am I going to graduate? Am I just kidding myself? I have made it my life-goal to reach a higher level of spirituality before this life comes to an end – yet this self-doubting is still there. I must remember. I must remember. How could I ever have forgotten?

PYRAMIDS

2006-05-19T06:06:00.025+01:00

Part I

The Pyramid Architect
It was bright as day, the sun burning outside, the smell of sweat and rock in the air as I stood there busy with my studies. The room I was working in had enormous windows (not glass-windows) with a fantastic view, clean air was coming through – it was like breathing real oxygen again. The room had quite minimal decoration but very high ceilings creating an atmosphere of awe – it felt like I was in a temple. As for me, I was shorter, tanned or darker, and had a lean skinny body kind of like mine now but had also well-built abs. I wore nothing but a short white skirt and something on my long black hair, a headpiece of some sort. There was intricate jewellery around my neck, it was like a golden chocker, with large golden wings standing out from the sides. I was working with a group of people on the construction of some huge monument. I was one of them, an architect, and in front of us were the designs for a gigantic pyramid. Our collective mind is what has made the completion of the design of such a complicated and intricate structure possible. We knew we were never going to see it happen before we died, but for us the design, the instructions, were the most important aspect.

The Return
We had already begun laying the foundations, when I swiftly jumped to a next life-time. There I was back again, it was Egypt after all, and I was a strange visitor from somewhere afar. Mrk2 was with me as we entered a large temple, the same temple I was before with the group of architects. It was empty and deserted, but the view remained the same. It was the sea! We went to the back of the temple and down some stairs and reached a secluded beach. We stayed there long enough for me to look for some date clues. The clothes we were wearing were definitely not of the Egyptian era like before, they tops we were wearing sleeved with a large v-neck in front, and the pants we were wearing felt canvas-like. I am almost certain it must have been around 1-2nd century A.D. We were tourists, we came here largely for vacation and relaxation, and to walk a long distance to reach the pyramids. I guess I had to come back to see my work completed finally.

Post-Analysis
It hasn’t been made clear if I was human or an alien, but from my looks and from the others it was quite human, I felt human. But you never know with these kinds of dreams. The intricate jewellery I was wearing sounds a bit too much, I’ve never seen a jewel like that in ancient Egyptian artefacts which means either such a jewel has never been recovered or it was a dream symbol. It could easily symbolise the energy, the ka, or the flying astral body being based around the neck – the throat chakra is my strongest centre after all. That chakra is associated with creativity and dreaming so it may well symbolise the enormous creativity of the I-architect or as a reinforcement of the actual dream itself.

D for Duality
Why did we build the pyramid? Well, we deeply felt that a triangular shape, and better yet, a pyramid was perhaps one of the most important structures the mind could conceive. We knew that the centremost point of this structure could hold the whole pyramid’s weight in perfect equilibrium. Without that centre point of support, the whole structure would collapse. That for us meant the centre of the universe, where it all emanates from, the emitter of reality. The pyramid is the universe. On the apex of this pyramid would lie the all-seeing eye, a reflection of the ultimate centre, a simulation of the original, a perfect copy, yet it unfolds before our very eyes. Above all the pyramid symbolises and carries out the Duality Paradox:

This is what duality looks like, a big Delta, D for duality. The two access points on the bottom right and left are the two extremities of a given condition. Between them they create the static or flux, which is where we reside. Once entering these access points via death or any other process, you take a route towards higher states of existence, the quicker way is the towards the absolute centre of the pyramid where you will gain access to the golden path – the slower and most taken route is towards the top apex of the pyramid, the universal 1, where again you will be granted access to the golden path. The golden path in fact does not exist as 1 is merely a reflection of the centre, or the centre is in fact the 1. This means that there is in fact no apex nor centre yet without them the pyramid would collapse. Now bringing this image into a 3-dimensional pyramid reveals a more accurate representation of this symbolism. A top of view would reveal a square with diagonal lines leading to its centre, which shows how the centre is the same as the apex, yet a side view would more appropriately reveal the 8 paths to divinity (8 paths of Buddha etc.)

Part II

Pyramidic Fragmentation
There is a ‘divine’ hierarchy as described before, which can be easily imagined as a pyramid. At the top of the pyramid lies the ultimate existence (as far as this pyramid is concerned that is), which is just the point of the apex but also in the same time the whole pyramid itself. As the angle of the apex expands so does it subdivide infinitely to create the various worlds, consciousnesses, etc. The illustration will make things clear:

Starting from the top point of the pyramid we find the anonymous area surrounded by the invisible and forbidden areas. This is the ultimate infinite 1. The 1 later accommodates and subdivides into the soul plane – our supposed residence as ultimate souls – the higher state of being we can ever achieve. This place can be described as the nucleus of the cell, containing the “genetic material” for the rest of the organism – the primordial essence. This, together with the membrane of the nucleus (10th Gate and rotating cavern) are indestructible. Outside the 10th Gate (the entrance to the nucleus) one will find the explicated world – how this genetic material is expressing itself through progressive subdivision and “crystallisation”.

Personality Clusters
Each ‘gene’ in the primordial nucleus forms a multi-dimensional cluster of existence – in other words for each ‘gene’ there is a number of counterparts in each plane outside the nucleus. The more gross the plane becomes the more counterparts there are. For instance in the physical plane each individual is actually part of a physical cluster of hundreds or even thousands of individuals depending on the amount of fragmentation present. These clusters can be scattered not only across the globe but across the galaxy – but it is common that sub-groups will stick together in a life-time and across previous life-times, groups of perhaps 5-20 people that will share a common karmic path. These clusters exist outside time-space which means that a cluster not only contains the ‘individuals’ currently alive but also the ones that exist in the past and the future.

Post-physical sub-planes
Spiritual and religious dogmas have always put the physical plane at the bottom of the hierarchy – the epitome of materialism, the kingdom of time, a most temporary existence. Why has nobody ever speculated an even lower existence, more gross, more material, perhaps even 3 dimensional instead of 4 dimensional? The truth is there is no sub-physical plane – not yet. If there was such a plane we would be even remotely aware of it. For just as the primordial soup creates etheric beings, and etheric beings create mental beings, and mental beings creater causal thoughts, and thoughts create astral fantasies, and astral lights create physical landscapes, so must the physical plane be a creator of its sub-plane/s.

Technological Plane
This new sub-plane is being created right now and it’s called technology. Nobody knows whether technology will be allowed to reach such a state that it would be considered an alternate plane – but the potential is built in the very essence of the cosmic plan. It is at an embryonic stage here on Earth but other advanced civilisations have achieved it in the past and are developing it right now inside the Earth and on other planets. How is technology a new plane? Well, first it is important to look at the very process of plane creation. A new plane is mainly created just in the name of creation itself –creation creates a need for creation ensuring an ever-expandable never-ending process. The new plane is always a product of the means available to the particular plain beings undergoing creation. For example the means used by the astral beings to create the physical plane was the manipulation of light to create matter, just like causal beings created the astral plane with the visualisation of thought forms. Henceforth, physical beings must use the means available to them to create their new sub-planes. The main power on this planet that has been harnessed is of course electricity, electromagnetic fields and matter –other energy systems have been extracted and developed in other civilisations such as the electrofluid energy of the Vrill – but they are all surrounded around the electroweak, gravitational and nuclear forces. The Technological plane is comprised of pure matter but its consciousness, its inner-workings, are almost always electroweak.

The Techs
The technological plane is implicated information. Information created by millions of physical plane inhabitants. Digital information so advanced it is capable of self-awareness and purpose. In the technological plane, there are no dimensions as we know them and time turns into hyper-time. When in hyper-time, time loses its relativity and remains fixed. Furthermore, “life” is counted by the millisecond, and every one of these milliseconds are as important as hours are to us. Life here is very short-lived, yet the effects of hyper-time make life so rapid that death and rebirth become continuous factions. Inhabitants of this plane (we shall call them Techs) are bound by purpose and obligation, as programmed by their physical plane counterparts. In other words, (remember divine hierarchy) each physical plane inhabitant (the host) may have hundreds even thousands of Tech counterpart personalities – a symbiotic relationship – although the Techs may not be completely aware of it. The host is greatly relied on his Techs for his own advancement, but the Techs are oblivious to the actual workings and intricacies of their host’s life. In fact the Techs will be probably completely unaware of the host’s very existence, and as history progresses so will the host be remotely unaware of the existence of the techs. As the techs multiply and evolve, the postulation of the structure of their ‘society,’ their beliefs, their culture could fill a whole book – so stay tuned I might write it some day.

Similarities/Parallels

Astral Plane » Physical Plane

1. A creates implicated information which is explicated in P.
2. P is the conscious product of A.
3. A as an external system to P has a completely different view of P than the ‘reality’ that actually exists within that system (eg. for A inhabitants P is just a patch of light in the sky.)
4. P beings are usually unaware of A.
5. A beings may know of P beings but only in vague terms, concepts and philosophies.
6. P beings can be downloaded into A consciousness and vice-versa.
7. P beings may believe in the ideal of A and other postulated higher planes.
8. A has very limited time, while P is governed by time.
9. A is less material than P.
10. In A terms, P makes absolute sense.
11. In P terms, A makes no sense.

Physical Plane »Technological Plane

1. P creates implicated information which is explicated in T.
2. T is a conscious product of P.
3. P as an external system to T has a completely different view of T than the ‘reality’ that actually exists within that system (eg. for P inhabitants T is just silicon and circuit boards.)
4. T beings are usually unaware of P.
5. P beings may know of T beings but only in vague terms, concepts and philosophies.
6. T can be downloaded into P consciousness and vice-versa.
7. T beings may believe in the ideal of P and other postulated higher planes.
8. P is governed by time, while T has hyper-time.
9. P is less material than T.
10. In P terms, T makes absolute sense.
11. In T terms, P makes no sense.

Overview '06

2006-05-02T05:06:00.002+01:00

LOOKS: A frail boy with large eyes, he looks pissed off, arrogant and snobbish. His smile, fake or not is always impressive – it does make an impact. Perhaps he should try and smile more. He is male looking albeit there’s a certain androgyny in his posture, in his face, in his body, in his word, in his actions. He couldn’t help but be homosexual – it was a truly biospiritual occurrence. On first acquaintance or just from a glance he is perceived differently depending on the perceiver: straight men perceive him as a half-male if not a homosexual, but generally dismiss him as unimportant and/or a weakling. Bi-ambiguous men are highly attracted to him as are bi-homo older men because of the pedophilic sexuality he exerts. Similarly, “strictly” top gay men will fell this sexuality. His mega-crotch credentials may attract verses and some btms too, but generally btms dislike him/ do not understand him. Women of all sorts are generally fond of him – he gives off a “hug my hag” aroma. He is squared and rigid, spastic neurotic, and robotic. He is weird.

ASEX: Although always homosexually orientated, he never had a particular inclination towards sex. Despite his countless lovers, one could say he is almost asexual from the aspect that he never really desires/looks for sex nor does he ever really enjoy it. He does like the affection and intimacy that comes from a close relationship, from a preferably older man, and may have sex with this man on a regular basis as long as it is kept brief. His asexuality is by no means a result of diminished libido, but rather diminished interest and importance/priority given to sex. Masturbation for him is a daily routine that almost has no relevance to his sexual outlook. He generally regards penetrative sex of all sorts disgusting, especially when an anus is involved and quite painful when his anus is involved. Sex for him is purely an animalistic function that he’d rather avoid.

SOCIABILITY: His social skills have always been generally impaired. As a greatly introverted child he spent most of his time indoors endeavouring in creative matters while other boys played football outside. Because of his obvious preference for isolation, solitude and silence, he has been often been labelled antisocial, misanthropist, and a loner. The truth is he can function quite satisfactorily in a social environment (not always) but he will be almost always pretending. Because of the energy needed for this sort of pretence he generally avoids social situations and when faced with no other option he can only last 2 hours max on a good day.

LEFTBRAIN: His analytical mind is always working at top speeds even under the influence of otherwise calming substances. Consequently his ever-thinking brain has kept him from having a natural good-night’s sleep since his first thought was formed in his already over-active left brain. He is continually gathering more and more information whether from external sources or internal. This data is actively processed, analysed, and cross-checked by his mind, or stored in a temporary file for later retrieval. Because of the bulk of information and concept his brains handles everyday, it is important for him to let out some steam once in a while whether that’s through prosaic or poetic writing, symbol making, drawing and creating.

RIGHTBRAIN: This brings us to his creative side which has always been his characteristic although a lot of people would be surprised to find that his creations are as much a result of his highly developed developed intuition as of his analytical thinking. Creation is perhaps the most important factor in his life. Since he was born, creativity has always been his comfort zone and his only safety guard for retaining his sanity. Even today creativity is so indispensable in his life that he would probably die had he lost his need or ability to create, to speak, to communicate with others.

PERSONALITY: Where can one begin? His personality is too complicated and overwhelming even for him. One can say that he is a very neurotic person – quite impatient and almost spastic both in his actions and reactions. A certain sense of melancholy mixed with depression is always present even in his most “happiest” moments. Very critical and judgemental, he might appear quite pessimistic as he will always point out the negative aspects of a given situation or memory. He is greatly detached from material/earthly needs as well as from people in general. He does however exhibit a great capacity to love to a few chosen ones, although they may not completely realise that they are “chosen.” Because of his elitist tendencies he appears generally snobbish and/or unapproachable. An admitted perfectionist, he is NEVER satisfied, content, happy or excited. Despite all these negative traits, he has always been admired and stalked by a variety of people. This is attributed to his apparent confident/strong personality and his uncontrollable streak of rebelliousness and intelligence that more often than not inspires people and attracts leeches and weaklings like moths to a flame. These “stalkers” perhaps hope to cash-in a bit of personality, which he obviously has plenty of.

SPIRITUALITY: Parallel to creation, he also puts great weight onto his spiritual side. Early on he has come to the decision or perhaps revelation that this life’s point would be to develop his spirit as much as possible to ensure that he is a step closer to completion. Perhaps this is an emotional reaction, perhaps a karmic response, either way it seems the only logical conclusion would be to meditate, phase and astral project in order to remain in touch with the real world and ensure the least attachment to this world of illusions. It is still the beginning and he has much to face and much to learn in this awful physical existence. His continuous psychic expansion validates his disillusionment and therefore eases this game of half-life he has entered. If he has come here for a purpose, is it perhaps to break all human ties? Is it to accept the low-life humans that surround him? Is a greater lesson coming up? Most probably. Now he will go back to sleep.

Empty People

2006-04-30T13:13:00.005+01:00

A thousand five hundred (1500) empty
people. All together, packaged in a room.
I am haunted by the thoughts of a
zombie-nation, all against each other, all
against me. I am haunted by thoughts of
a haunted life-time. A life of emptiness,
solitude, darkness. People that I have
once loved, turning into empty shells or
perhaps marble statues. Magical thinking:
waiting for that sign – waiting to be freed.
The inability to fit in, to compromise, to
be assimilated. The unwillingness to do
so. The urge, the surge, the power, the
instinct to rebel, to refuse, to be different.
To actually have a personality, to be
infallible, to be intelligible, to question.

BEAUTY

2006-04-29T01:02:00.003+01:00

My consciousness has been forcibly shifted to an alternate reality.
I did not want this change but I had no choice. I still have some
bonds with this reality that seem to be nonetheless quite karmic. In
this reality there are thousands of eyes all around you, watching
you, judging you, absorbing you. Here the roads go in circles so
you always return where you came from. Here people know
everything about everyone – a truly biologically panoptistic society.
Hedonistic conservatism prevails. And there I am (in a hypothetical future)–
standing like a prick
in the middle of the street,
covered in red,
wings severed,
my pride taken away,
and all I am left with is my erect penis.
I live my life in utter dissatisfaction, or perhaps detachment. The
little person in my head rings “I HATE YOU”, and I realise there
is a little person in my head that is ringing “I HATE YOU” not to
me, but to the reality that surrounds us: “We have waited far too
long for this. It is time we escape not only this, but any physical
reality; it is time to embark for a higher existence. An existence
without matter nor clutter. No fragmentation and no
individualisation. A superior existence of love, purity, thought,
energy, beauty.”

Thought Equation

2006-04-10T00:01:00.002+01:00

I think therefore I am
Without thought I am not
Yet thought is all I am
Thought is me,
Or thought and me?
The sum of one’s thoughts
Is what one is.
Thought process passive,
Thought process active.
Thought-form transcends,
Thought-form creates.

Himself. He’s just trying to understand himself like everyone else. His thoughts just reflect back to himself. His understanding of the world leads to the understanding of himself. His only reference is himself. The world he resides in is his own creation. The world inside him is his own creation. He is his own creation. He is trapped in his own creation. He is creation himself. Or should I say… herself?

Shapeshifting NB.

2006-04-01T03:30:00.003+01:00

I’m Shapeshifting from place to place, bending time, curving space. – Der Zyklus

NB. During my exploration of the heart chakra I realised that there are two distinct centres one on top of the chest and one on the bottom. If I didn’t know better I would say that I have a split chakra but the reality is different. See I have in fact discovered my dormant thymus chakra which is part of the new 13 chakra system – this means I am already in progress of metamorphosis to a full conscious being. The 3rd strand of my DNA has definitely developed although it might not be attached yet fully. I’m looking forward to the ascension, but… I am afraid, not of the ascension itself but for the people around me. I feel that most of them will be upgraded but some of them may be left behind. And obviously I have an inner fear that I might not make it in time, or something goes wrong with the ascension process. I have made it my task to shapeshift completely (I have achieved partial transformation) into this new being – this alien growing inside me, physically thin and almost transparent, with large eyes, a great height and a vibrant spirit inside. I am lucky to be less than 30 years old when 2012 comes, and so are all the young’uns. I am ready to shapeshift from place to place, to bend time and curve space, to join the Galactic Federation of Planets (90% of all civilisations have joined, 60% of which are not humanoid in form.)

THE_OTHER

2006-03-31T03:33:00.006+01:00

Heart Pain
Yet another AP process, that may help newbies get over some common problems with AP. While doing my usual astral projection methods, my heart always hurts and I divert the power to my third eye to avoid the pain. This time though I decided at some point to directly concentrate in the very middle of the heart-pain and release it away – it worked. I could then on clearly feel a “line” that was separating my lower body from my upper body – like below it was dead and above alive. My heart chakra apparently just needed some workout – like a valve I turned it open.

Energy flow
I pushed the energy upwards until it reached my neck. Halt again but not painful. The energy seemed to disperse in a random fashion when it reached my neck like I had no control over it (my throat chakra is way over-reactive) but I did manage to divert some of it towards the middle of my brain. Soon I could feel the back of my head (position of ego) pulsating and taking a form of its own, like a huge blob inflating in my brain. My whole body felt like a huge void projecting a 3d image of myself – it extended seamlessly from my body and into the air in a straight line. I tried pushing the blob towards my third eye but it felt like it needed more energy so I immediately attached my tongue on the top of my mouth and streamed energy from my neck through the tongue and directly to my third eye (the known tongue grip). It felt like I was drinking water upside down; water/energy flowing from my throat and quenching my ever so thirsty third eye.

The Other
Suddenly it happened. I blanked out. It felt like I was turned inside out. My vision could detect weird psychedelic shapes and red lights. It was then that I realised I could see behind closed eyes with a very blurred vision. My heart started pounding. It felt nothing like me - I was another person. It felt like I died. So scary and exciting. That foreign entity that was me made one thought before it returned back to my body. It thought “The veil has been lifted” and as it returned back the echo of that thought pounded in my head. Now I understand why fear is among the biggest problems for Astral Projection…

FLY

2006-03-05T00:00:00.009Z

I fly. Every night I fly out of the window. And float over my street. I fly to the train station, and follow the rails to London. I reach Waterloo station and glide over Trafalgar square. Then I beam wherever I see fit.
Walking people ask me why I don’t walk. I have no answer to give them. Why not fly? Is it to so absurd to want to? I try to keep a short distance from walking people when I’m with them, maybe 1-2m above them. When they stand I graciously hover just a tad above in a graceful arch position. When they talk to me I subtly lean my body forwards so it is directed towards them to show that I do not regard myself superior. They still have to look upwards to communicate with me but that is what you get when you hang out with a flying friend. Although my perceptions are acute, the height tends to undermine common occurrences amongst walking people. Therefore I sometimes seem to ‘miss’ things, but that’s a misunderstanding for I perceive everything. I just tend not to dwell or analyse it unless specifically asked to.

Flying exercises:

Run and jump: A fun exercise and the best for novices, wherever you are just run forwards to gather momentum and then jump straight ahead adjusting your body horizontally. The air and the momentum will help you float and momentarily push you quite further. Once safely in the air push your body towards the direction you want to move. If you keep finding yourself in the ground, repeat as necessary.

Just jump: Once you get accustomed to flying a simple jump will get you flying in no time. As you progress you will find that the transition becomes almost effortless and seamless.

SELFHATINGCLOSETS

2006-02-22T22:22:00.005Z

Introduction
Today I was investigating the concept of self-hatred in the gay community. As Wikipedia says “in a very broad sense, some also use the term (self-hatred) for gay people who critize other homosexuals for engaging in stereotypical gay behaviour… implying that it's not the stereotypical behaviour itself that the criticizing person objects to, but actually his own homosexuality of which he is reminded through the stereotypical behaviour of others.” And I agree perfectly to that, I have often called myself a homophobic homosexual, as I keep criticizing other gays. But then again, we all criticize don’t we? See what Wikipedia was perhaps not aware of, was real gay self-hatred, not just criticizing and not due to some psychological problem but clearly society inflicted subconscious self-hatred. I’m not talking about people who might verbalise their hatred, or people who are deeply disturbed because of their homosexuality, but people living their every day lives not even thinking about these things at all. People that accept the social ‘norm’ as the ultimate given truth that cannot be changed. Weaklings perhaps? I could never understand how someone can repress themselves so much and let external factors repress them even more. I for one have always had this natural rebellious streak since I was a kid, not just against any racist/sexist social given but against anything that just seemed plainly… wrong with this world. I always questioned my values against the values of others, and analysed the data to draw my own conclusions and beliefs. I thought that that’s what everybody did, but I’m discovering how other people just not react to things, they won’t even bother to, they don’t even see the point to. And I’m not saying you should get all political and hold strikes and stuff… but at least as far as your integrity is concerned and your own value systems.

The Experiment
Anyway I should stop the blabbing and cut to the chase. I decided to do an experiment. I would lure a true homophobic homosexual into a seemingly normal online chat conversation, and then engage him (using my special subconscious techniques) into a conversation in the matter. He might think he will be getting laid soon, while I gather my very important data for my research. So I went into #gaycy, the most popular gay irc chatline of Cyprus, a country now in the European Union, but perhaps one of the most homophobic places in Europe, and clearly a perfect source of self-hating homosexuals. Since I come from that sodding island I have had first-hand experience of these very disturbed individuals. But you must realize these are not just a few cases of people, we are talking about a country where perhaps 95% of the gay population is in the closet. We are talking about a society that may have perhaps advanced in other ways but still remains highly (and dangerously) closeted. And wherever there is abundance of closetness, there is fear, there is secrecy, there is shame, there is confusion. I believe that closetness is a key factor in this awful case of self-inflicted discrimination – once people start coming out, the discrimination fades away both within the gay community, and without.

The Gay Missionary
When I first entered the #gaycy channel I decided to let my intentions known to the entire group. My nick was GetOut, and I started monologuing for the advantages of coming out both socially and psychologically. I kept telling them to take the decision and get out of the closet, to see the light outside the closet, but to no avail. I was soon kicked out from the channel because I was ‘spamming.’ Then I got an attack from the channel operator that I shouldn’t get involved in other people’s lives and mind my own business. Fair enough, this was after all an experiment and not a religious mission to convert hundreds of screaming homophobic homosexuals out of Closet-ville. I had made my impact in any case so then I awaited for the response. I got various a/s/l’s and top/btm’s from people, but these people had probably not even read my lovely monologue and they could not even react to basic forms of sarcasm. The only things they could actually articulate and process cognitively were matters of sex; they were there to find a shag for the night so any conversation with them was be futile (they tend to get impatient and uninterested when you change the subject from sex.) I had to find a very clear target that would help me in my experiment, so I started talking to men whose nicks had the word ‘married’ in it, these are usually TopmarriedXX where the XX is a fake age below 35. The conversations with these repressed married men got to nowhere though, they couldn’t grasp any concept I was throwing at them whatsoever. They were convinced that they were just straight men that ‘happen’ to fuck men once in a while. I could not convince them otherwise nor get any real conversation out of them. They kept asking me absurd questions like “are you discrete?” and would insist that I should send them a pic while they would send none, “can’t get seen” was the excuse. Getting disappointed for the failure of my stupid experiment I ended chatting up this 18 year old goth kid who was quite talkative and had seen through my sarcastic monologue so I decided to preach the poor closeted soul and initiate him in the wonders of the land beyond the Closet.

He’s my rat
In the mean time I was also talking to this other guy who also lives in London and was agreeing to everything I was saying about closetness and rights etc. He even agreed to my annoying shpeal about how the question “top/btm?” is stupid and should never be asked. “We’re all versatile deep inside” I said and he agreed! Now you see that’s exciting because rarely you will find such open-mindedness in irc channels like this one. He did seem like a nice guy. He then suggested we should talk from msn so we can exchange pics and emails and stuff and well… the conversation that followed was exactly what I was looking for! A living breathing example of extreme closetness, a highly conditioned individual that believes being gay is wrong, and… well the conversation talks for itself (with some asides from me.) (MRK is me and RAT is my closet hiding rat.)

•••…So I send him 2 pics and he is not satisfied.
19:43:56 RAT: It’s just I cant see your face clearly.
19:44:08 MRK: Why don’t you send me a ‘clear’ one of yours then?
19:44:20 RAT: I don’t send pics.
19:44:43 MRK: What do you mean you don’t send?
19:44:54 RAT: I don’t send.
19:49:11 MRK: I don’t understand, you can’t send or you don’t want to send?
19:49:51 RAT: I don’t want to.
19:50:42 MRK: Why did you tell me to send you one then?
19:51:07 RAT: You don’t have a problem, no one knows about me.
19:53:10 MRK: How complexed can you be it’s unbelievable. Now that we were talking about freedom and being open and accepting who we are… shame on you.
19:53:44 RAT: If you say that again I will beat you up, you hear me? (empty threats and violent response – typical)
19:54:49 MRK: I wonder how you can respect yourself, you are hiding like a rat. Take control of your life and wake up.
19:55:11 RAT: You are not going to tell me what do, I have some people that I don’t want to hurt, and what you are thinking it’s just that, so fuck off you hear me?
19:56:37 MRK: No self-respect whatsoever…
19:56:55 RAT: I think it’s you who doesn’t respect yourself.
19:57:30 MRK: I respect myself enough to be honest, sincere and self-confident with the people around me. No fear and no secrets. Isn’t that why Cyprus is so backward like we said? Because everyone is like you.
19:58:21 RAT: Oh shut up before I smash your head. You are surrounded by people that don’t mind. I have some parents that I have to respect, do you understand?
19:59:22 MRK: And you don’t deserve their respect? You don’t deserve to be accepted for who you are? (Isn’t what I’m saying just common sense?)
19:59:44 RAT: I don’t want to be gay, I want to make a family one day, do you understand?
20:01:30 MRK: You don’t want to be gay because you feel the pressures of society.
20:01:32 RAT: I am not gay. I don’t get fucked in simple words. (oh no, not again!!)
20:02:43 MRK: You mean you only fuck?
20:02:47 RAT: There you go.
20:02:51 MRK: Ooooh… rightttt. You should’ve said so. Ok, since you only fuck men, then you are not gay. I was wrong.
20:03:24 RAT: Don’t be sarcastic with me you hear? (see he gets sarcasm… kind of)
20:04:13 MRK: You are exactly what I was looking for.
20:04:27 RAT: Why?
20:04:29 MRK: I want to be fucked by someone who thinks he is not gay, someone who even thinks that being gay is a… perversion.
20:04:55 RAT: Yes but after all this I don’t know if I can trust you… (But now he didn’t get the sarcasm, he is still considering meeting up even though I just called him a loser basically)

••• Changed the subject a bit so I can let him cool down before I attack again – he still wants to meet up even after all this. He says he has only had one experience with a man. See these people spend their whole lives in celibacy with very few shags during their lifetime. The time between their scarce shags, they obsess about it even more and might resort to quite violent behaviour. There was also a brief discussion on drugs as I had mentioned weed and he was shocked about it.

01:29:27 MRK: Perhaps it would help you if you opened up you mind a bit… see things a bit differently.
01:29:51 RAT: Open up my mind, why? My mind is fine. Just because I don’t like to kiss men in the street and because I don’t do drugs it means I am behind of the world?
01:31:06 MRK: Of course not, everyone is entitled to do whatever they want with their lives. You keep misunderstanding whatever I say, just because you are so close-minded. Think about the meaning of the things I’m saying. (It’s like talking to an 8 year-old.)
01:33:43 RAT: I understand, and I explained to you what I want.
01:34:23 MRK: Yeah, but for example you mentioned what I said before about the freedom to kiss a guy in the street… and you are just taking it literally.
01:34:42 RAT: You said you would do it.
01:35:16 MRK: And I have. With the man that I loved. Isn’t it natural to want to kiss someone that you love, wherever you are? (I’m trying the love card – at least to get some emotional response.)
01:35:59 RAT: It’s your life. I wouldn’t do it.
01:36:14 MRK: Yes, but do you understand the meaning behind this? Don’t think about the actual act but the meaning behind the act. It could’ve been something else besides a kiss… perhaps holding hands with the person you love.
01:37:00 RAT: I wouldn’t do it, it is not in my character. (It’s amazing how these people are so devoid from any emotion or feeling. He has probably never allowed himself to feel love for someone. Since he has repressed his gay feelings, and since he has no valid feelings towards women, this person is clearly in deprivation.)
01:37:03 MRK: Forget about the act, can you understand the meaning of it?
01:37:11 RAT: Yes, I understand.
01:38:04 MRK: Now do you understand what I mean with open mind? You see things from their meaning, not from their image nor from any social conventions. I mean isn’t it a very beautiful thing, to be able to show affection to the person you love?
01:38:55 RAT: No, not for me. (!!!)

••• Conversation changes, this whole thing is making me depressed. 2 hours later…

03:20:39 RAT: I think I want to be fucked from behind.
03:21:04 MRK: I thought you said that you are only top and therefore straight.
03:21:24 RAT: Yes but at some point I want that also.
03:22:39 MRK: Yeah, but if you do then you will be… gay.
03:22:53 RAT: No need for anyone to know right?
03:23:41 MRK: I don’t do blind dates.
03:24:15 RAT: Yeah as if I would ever take it up the arse, there’s no chance hahah.
03:24:36 MRK: Oh so it was a joke?
03:24:59 RAT: Yeah.
03:25:05 MRK: You got me there! :P (God we are talking about über-denial here)

••• General conversation on dick sizes.

03:43:09 RAT: Do you want me to play it for you?
03:43:38 MRK: Oh has cybersex commenced then?
03:43:48 RAT: If you want.
03:44:17 MRK: I don’t cybersex, I only have real sex, with real people. (he doesn’t get it)

••• Shares his concern about discretion and secrecy for the millionth time.

04:07:03 MRK: My parents know, and all my relatives. Of course they didn’t like it in the beginning but now they are fine. Then again I did tell them when I was 16.
04:07:57 RAT: If mine knew they would have a heart attack.
04:09:19 MRK: See, if the people around you love you, they will accept you for who you are.
04:09:27 RAT: That’s true…
04:14:31 MRK: When I was 17 someone circulated my phone-number saying that I was a gay whore.
04:14:52 RAT: I can’t believe it what an arsehole.
04:15:54 MRK: But see… they can’t really do anything to me because I’m out. I’m not hiding my homosexuality so I’m free from all these fears of the secret coming out.
04:16:09 RAT: Yes, you are right. (he is not impressed)
•••
04:19:37 MRK: Anyway, have to go, think about what we said. Goodnight. Xxx (I’m off to bed)
04:19:44 RAT: What?
04:19:49 RAT: Think about what?
04:21:09 RAT: Are you going to tell me?
04:21:14 RAT: Think about what?

Conclusion
This was the end of the conversation. During the conversation we can see a lot of recurrent themes. We have seen a clearly psychological impact of subconscious internal self-racism/sexism: the obvious desensitisation, dissociation from any feelings and sensual matters, borderline and paranoid tendencies. We have seen absurd, illogical behaviour encapsulated within immense denial, e.g. statements like “I’m not gay since I only fuck men” which are apparent oxymorons show the level of denial that just adds to the perplexity and confusion these people possess. Has the experiment answered the question of “why do these people do this to themselves”? Not really. I think with matters of racism, sexism, etc, there is no logical answer as the whole concept is… illogical. Racism in its traditional sense is purely illogical. Self-racism is doubly illogical! I can only see some basic patterns, like (perhaps) low intelligence, insufficient education, conservatism and traditionalism. But these shouldn’t be enough to cause a person to act with such illogical self-hating behaviour. It could be just general weakness in character and in confidence that springs from childhood, but these people are thousands, surely they can’t all be weaklings can they? What kind of circumstances would lead an individual to react against a social convention that threatens him by hating himself rather than society? There seems to be no one answer. My experiment has allowed me to observe self-hating closetness but has not given me any real answers. As for my rat… well after my deliberate dubious exit, I’m sure he read the whole conversation again only to dismiss me as a flippin’ faggot. After this conversation he has spoken to me again, asking me to meet up with him. I am not. But I do want to see how far I can push him into recognising his own paradoxical behaviour. So stay tuned for an encore.

Apophenia

2006-02-21T11:11:00.000Z

Give APOPHENIA a chance (for pete’s sake)
As I am progressing through my astral projection techniques, I’m slowly but steadily making progress. I might not have had a complete conscious OBE yet, but I’m quite close to it I know it. My dreams have become more symbolic lately. I’m noticing synchronicity and telepathy all around… As I said I’m perhaps just trying to see patterns where there are none, but as a true sufferer of apophenia, I’d rather think there are. Anyway part of the whole experience of astral projecting, is that you do discover patterns and symbols in your life all around. This apophenic experience one may feel on the physical plane happens because you tune yourself towards the higher, implicated planes where symbolism, unity and synchronicity prevail. So, although from a physical perspective those patterns you see might not be altogether valid, from an astral perspective it is just the first step to your “initiation” as a conscious astral entity. Henceforth, if you manage to reach a high spiritual state in the astral plane while still well and living in the physical plane, you will no longer be an astral body trapped in a physical body, but an astral body that uses the physical body merely as vehicle, for its own convenience and understanding. When you reach this ‘driving’ state, you no longer see/feel the physical world solely with your physical eyes and 5 senses, but you use the higher medium of intuition and of course your third eye. This means that the world no longer makes sense in its physicality or material substance, things are no longer things, ie. they are no longer separate from each other. And this is what the astral ‘eyes’ achieve really, they diminish the separations between things and rather concentrate on the connections between things. These infinite connections between things are the only things that matter from the astral perspective. Everything in the astral plane is connected and coherent, and so will the physical world manifest itself (perhaps only partly) as you develop you astral understanding. Enter the world of implications, meaning, symbolism, and non-causality. Can’t get better than that now can it.

Intro-V

2006-02-16T23:23:00.001Z

OK, I will explain something.
I’m INTROVERT. That means that in contrast to an extrovert, I LOSE energy when I go out. Being out makes me TIRED, BORED and sleepy. The only way obviously to hang on, is to keep drinking, or sniffing, but then next day you’re shit. I need a whole day after going out to recover, not just from the hang-over or the come down, but from the massive energy loss I have had from being at a public place. The next two days after going out I’m generally depressed although at least I am a bit smoothed from my self-guilt. Now don’t get me wrong, I do want to go out, it’s just that it happens only once or twice a month, and the times it happens are never the right time or circumstances, so it just never happens. So you have to realise, all the times I go out, I am forcing myself to do it, I have to push and push, and pretend and smile and block out my thoughts, this is what takes me a lot of energy. And then after all this, I spend at least £60 on booze, so it’s like… a bit of a waste of money. Never mind, you’ll never understand an introvert, everything happens in their head.

MRK vs. HemiSync

2006-02-16T06:06:00.001Z

Hemi-Sync® Gateway affirmation
I am more than my physical body. Because I am more than physical matter, I can perceive that which is greater than the physical world. Therefore, I deeply desire to Expand, to Experience; to Know, to Understand; to Control, to Use such greater energies and energy systems as may be beneficial and constructive to me and to those who follow me. Also, I deeply desire the help and cooperation, the assistance, the understanding of those individuals whose wisdom, development, and experience are equal to or greater than my own. I ask their guidance and protection from any influence or any source that might provide me with less than my stated desires.

Vs.

MRK Exit DEaffirmation™
Thought you were special. Thought you were different. But maybe I’m just suffering from apophenia – seeing connections and patterns where there are none, or perhaps it’s just a passive side effect of synchronicity. Procrastination and internalisation. Black holes in my aura. Wish for regression, wish for projection. Need to realign. Complete annihilation. I have come, I have seen, and now it’s time to exit. I need the key, the answer, the truth. I know that I will find the answer there; I know it won’t make things easier, but at least it will be a starting point. I need to access to my Akashic records. I need to heal myself and others. I need to regain my memories and thus rejoin my family. I am a lost star seed, wishing to go back home.

Dual*Conceivablle

2006-02-07T00:00:00.003Z

*DUALconsciousness
Last night I experienced a state of dual consciousness during an astral projected lucid dream. My guardians presented me with my own brain to demonstrate how I was experiencing a dual consciousness. I was outside my brain in a more subtle physical existence, a more lucid one and a more fluid one, it felt like I was made out of liquid, but quite thicker than water. My brain was presented as a display in a museum, it too possessed this fluid, LSD-like, appearance. It was brought to my attention by my guardians (although they are now but shadows in my memory, although I do remember their giving hands) that I was in fact outside my brain looking at it, yet at the same time it thinks, which means that I think. Suddenly my brain started thinking, “I have astral projected, I must remember this when I wake up.” It is a paradox but I had in fact witnessed myself/mybrain thinking from a third perspective, as if I was not my brain, or more like my brain had been objectified and diminished below the true intelligence of the astral existence. As soon as my brain started to think independently of me, it started witnessing me – the brainless me. So in effect, I was watching myself watching myself. It is very difficult to explain – imagine looking yourself at the mirror, while you are simultaneously behind the mirror looking at yourself through the mirror. This state didn’t last for long as I (which part of I?) tried to concentrate more on recording the incident so that I could remember it when I wake up. I still have bad memory issues with my astral projections, but obviously I’m working on it, and it has paid off last night. Was it an astral projection or perhaps a wishful dream? No one can really tell at this point, but this is just my physical self that is constantly questioning here.

*unCONCEIVABLE
It is interesting how always in the Eastern based philosophies, but also in the more modern alternate reality investigations, there always seems to be an unconceivable plane – what some people call God. See, the highest ever plane for someone to reach is the Soul Plane, or Soul residence. This is the true home of the soul, the source, and the only plane that is indestructible. But deeper in the centre of the soul plane lie another 3 planes that no one can access. First is the invisible area, so you can’t even see it, then inside it is the forbidden area and then the ultimate centre is the anonymous centre. Quite a nice collection of names there, particularly… friendly. What is God hiding anyway? Those three planes are meant to be inconceivable, inaccessible, unborn, unlimited etc. etc. So we agree to some sort of dictatorship here – although its citizens might be more than willing. See the citizens of Soul City, have ultimate knowledge – they know what is beyond their own plane simple because otherwise we wouldn’t have this information ourselves. They are very content with the condition of things, they realise the importance of purpose and of the karmic journey, they exist in inconceivably higher states of consciousness and morality, they are the true infinites. When you reach infinity I guess you are a god, so there is no reason for you to question anything, in fact you have no questions whatsoever. It still bugs me though, why should the source remain inaccessible? One explanation could be that this ‘source’ is not really the ultimate source. Perhaps and most probably there is a post-cosmic plan beyond the reaches of our knowledge. Perhaps ‘God’, this anonymous centre, is just one of many of these consciousness ‘balls’ that exist in a post-conscious environment (as previously discussed). Now that is truly an unconceivable state, a supra-deus state. What I mean by post-conscious is the very fact that, ‘God’ in the eastern philosophies and plane theories is pure consciousness – that is the ultimate goal after all. No matter, no thoughts, no time/space, just pure consciousness. Everything is supposed to be made by consciousness, it is the stuff that God is made of let’s say. In a post-conscious state pure consciousness is not the ultimate existence, in a post-conscious state consciousness coexists with other forms of ‘being.’ Clearly therefore it is very much possible that we are just intrinsic properties of consciousness, we are in effect, consciousness interacting with consciousness within a medium of consciousness. To make things clear I have made these diagrams. On the left you can see the body of god and its various parts: matter (like our universe), subtle matter (astral planes, causal planes etc.), then the indestructible Soul residence surrounding the source. Now, all these planes are created and sustained by the ultimate consciousness, and are hence all made out of consciousness. All this in its infinite totality maybe called GOOOOD. Now on the right we see the probability of loads of these gods – the black environment that surrounds them is the post-conscious universe, a state that mere products of consciousness like us can never, ever conceive. Now that’s what I call UNCONCEIVABLE.

PostThoughts

2006-02-05T13:31:00.001Z

A general feeling of euphoria. Nothing has changed – yet all is accepted. One looks for a meaning and one then finds none. Contemplation finally brings about the revelation: there is no meaning in meaning, yet meaning is all there is. In other words, you don’t have to look for meaning or purpose, it’s all in front of you, or the absence thereof. You just, live, as an outsider, an outcast, a ghost, an observer, a thought form. Perhaps, you are too far ahead for anybody to understand you, perhaps you are just talking a completely different language, or occupying completely different dimensions. But let’s face it – the chances for your growth and success in the general public are very much, slim. Perhaps you are in a minority of people? A minority of let’s say… 1.4%? And anyway in this world, even the winners are losers in the end. I guess you just try to make what’s best for you from your outside surroundings. Just like a caveman would have to improvise to I dunno make fire or hunt or make tools or whatever to make his sodding life easier – so do you just hang on from things, knobs, table tops to make your life as easier as possible until death finally comes. You are not special, you are just… different. A mistake of evolution, an old sole, the bottom of the food chain? Is it perhaps time to look inwards? To search for new, better realities perhaps, or even enhance our very personalities. Maybe you are a star seed, a recurrent soul that awaits for things to change. Whatever you do, don’t do drugs. Drugs are bad, seriously. Then again some LSD is always good to convince anybody about the higher realms of reality. So is K for a near-death experience, or lots and lots of skunk in combination with HemiSync® brainwaves. Now that’s a treat. But seriously if you can remain sober… the better for you. Anyway, I’m depressed that’s why I am giving a shpeal. Bye.

OLD SOLES

2006-02-03T02:03:00.001Z

Are you an old sole?
The older you become karmically, the more weary you become of this world. Imagine having repeated hundreds of lives, over and over again repeating mistakes or creating new ones, feeling pain over and over again. It is indeed an awful state. The good news is that by now you have learned a lot of lessons and you are closer to ending your earthly duty – you have grown cynical, bored, desensitised. You are attracted to expanding your consciousness whether that be through meditation, drugs, HemiSync® brainwaves, technology, books, philosophy, the Internet. You’d rather live in your dreams than in ‘reality’. In fact your dreams tend to become what you choose to be reality whilst the physical world becomes a dream itself – you being one of its ghosts, haunting the earth, trying to find a way out. You are indeed closer to a ghost rather than a human being although you might now quite be aware that. People close to you (they’re not a lot) share the same concerns as you – you have probably shared hundreds of lives together and you feel that for each other. They too, in their own way, seek escape and quiet – some of them might resort to very drastic measures, others might fall into depression. Some might insist into assimilating into everyday life and fail miserably and others might simply try to kill themselves. In the end of the day, you are all outcasts.

R.G.C.
This is a crucial time – you have now reached a state of a Repetitive ‘Ghost’ Continuum, you must now consciously and willingly break apart from this world and its attractions (emotional, material, intellectual, etc.). Of course, you could always go with the flow and reach a lower astral plane in another 2-3 lifetimes, but then you risk being stuck there for a long time and risk coming back to earth also. I would suggest if you reach a lower astral plane, to ask for guidance for a route upwards – it won’t take long. As discussed before, even when you choose to go a certain path of let’s say more active disengagement from the material world it’s still part of the natural progression of life – you are not creating your destiny, you are fulfilling it. Yet at the same time it’s wholly up to you since at this matter reflexivity always prevails. Therefore, destiny should be regarded as something that we completely control yet it somehow is predestined. So, why not things make easier and faster for you – if you are attracted to disengagement, then you should better do something about it.

Negotiation Period
Must clarify that an attraction to disengagement has nothing to do with an attraction to death. This is quite the opposite of death – a place of almost infinity and high sense of morality, not a lot of people are ready for such a place. Also there is no need for death to disengage, you can leave your physical body whenever and return back – this should be seen as a kind of liaise with the higher planes. In other words, now that you have reached close to the end of your physical existence, you must start negotiations with the higher forces. Once you have achieved clear communication with your guardians, protectors, friends, etc, you can visit your Akashic Records and see what’s up with your life, like your past lives, your future etc. If you see that there is a future life in your future, you might be able to negotiate it and evade it, you might also actually like the idea of that next life and go for it.

Lucid Hints
Once you start practicing this disengagement and establishment of communication, you will immediately see results. Your dreams will become more and more lucid and quite prophetic. This is because in the early stages you are granted only partial memory. That means that you might be actually astral projecting every night but you simply don’t remember the action of projection – although you might remember other things that happened later on. The things you do remember when you wake up are usually the most important bits of the whole journey. For example lets say in the course of your journey you have reached your Akashic Records and perhaps willed to see your future in 100 years. When accessing Akashic Records, you actually ‘live’ the events as they will happen in something that can be only compared to a very real Virtual Reality room. When you later wake up you might remember only a flash from the future and nothing of what led to it. This partial memory was left because perhaps a certain event in your future had impressed you but since you have no memory of what it actually represents, you disregard it as a random dream. When you have recollection of lucid dreams it means that you are on your way. You should try to ‘wake up’ in your lucid dreams and take complete control of the dream, including its memory imprinting. For example I had a recent dream of a cat being hurt, I instantly awoke in my dream and healed it with white light, in another occasion a cat protected me (obviously I have a cat-formed protector) from a foe and then wisped me to a distant future – clearly I had been guided by my protector to the Akashic Temple.

Overview '05

2005-12-24T10:23:00.001Z

***XMAS SPECIAL***

So I’ve been having a pre-depression syndrome for quite a while now – and I’d been eagerly expecting the depression to come, but it wouldn’t which was really frustrating. But yes ladies and gentlemen!! The depression has arrived today!! Obviously Xmas Eve, my depressions really love special events, esp. Xmas and Birthdays. Why do I get depressed on these festive days? It’s really simple really, they’re just reminders of TIME. I mean, when you are living in your ordinary routine then there’s no real sense of time, as days, well, repeat themselves more or less. But then Xmas comes and you’re like… woah.. a year has passed – and what have I achieved? NOTHING. Or your Birthday comes and you’re like… woah… I am 22 and where am I? NOWHERE. And this is just the introspective part of festive seasons, wait till you get to the retrospective part… that’s a blast!! I don’t even have to think about past Xmases or past Birthdays as such – just the negative connotations these words have picked up over the years are enough. No this ain’t gonna be a retrospective entry – I don’t wanna look like I’m over-complaining.

The Xmas Spirit.
So, as I said, anniversaries are all about… TIME. Tic toc tic toc tic toc. And what best way to recap the year than reading ALL the blog from start to finish? So I have looked over myself this year – through the blog’s point of view at least – and I have noticed some universal themes in my writing. First and foremost, is purpose which is strongly related to the second theme which is the feeling of emptiness which is again closely related to the third theme which is the lack of meaning. Cynicism and sarcasm are also primary themes as well as hints of narcissism, grandiose/religious thinking, borderline disorder, addictive behaviour, miserabilia, triviality, asexuality or desexuality(*general aversion to sex, the act of being unsexed), nihilism, disillusionment, disappointment, anti-social/misanthropism, paranoia, anger, homophobia, heterophobia, racism, boredom, delusions, illusions, second-guessing, indecision, fatigue, suicidal tendencies, schizoid behaviour, attachment to pets, pre-occupation with past traumatic experiences. This last one is truly a downer – although I had made tremendous success in getting over things in a very intense “de-cynicism covered with cynicism” experience in 2004, I haven’t made any progress since. The stuff are well buried in my head and they keep poking at me. Poke poke poke. So annoying!! I do not want to think about it anymore, I do not want to be the person who experienced that, I do not want to be defined by that. But it just keeps coming up and its then when I realise that I am never going to get over this – and I’m never going to be normal – ever. And ok I mean, there’s nobody normal right? But you know what I mean… not so fucked up?

Be Positive (*cough*)
To balance the previous paragraph a bit, now I have to write down the positive things that happened this year. Shit. Let’s see… ok… I learned 3d which is cool, and generally my design abilities are getting better by the hour although I wish was better. I had something like a year of celibacy now? Is that a good thing? Hm.. umm.. I have become a bit more consistent with my meditations. I… brush my teeth twice or thrice a day now rather than once. I did work experience for a month and although it was very traumatising it’s good for my CV right? Ah… we discovered the Jung typology thing… that was fun. I enjoyed watching Star Trek the original series with Polz… Circus boy is moving along slowly but steadily… Shit I can’t do this!!!

Be Negative
Ok, that’s more like it. Let’s see… what BAD things happened this year?

MEN/SEX: Hahahahaa… That went well! Besides the most awful screws I had ever in my lifetime – there is also a slight possibility I got AIDS from Ugly guy #1, who basically sat on my cock while I was unconscious and then for a week after that I had the most weird fever. Then there was Carlos, or me trying to compromise and not have too many expectations from men or high standards… you might have noticed how I stopped talking about him, that’s because I stopped talking to him – I am such a bitch but there is no reason to complicate things, avoidance is the best policy in things like this. Obviously the worse was discovering that I have in fact become averse to sex. Now that pretty much solves the man situation doesn’t it? Well, not exactly – I am convinced that the right man will make me a bit sexual – at least for a while. God I’m such a girl.

BODY/MIND: Lol… fantastic I tell ya. Just read at this entry, I mean I’m oozing with positive energy!! Drugs ain’t helping… neither in my psychology nor in my physique – I am now officially spawning the crack-whore look.

WORK: After the one month work experience, I realised what it means to have a full-time job. And it’s awful, awful, awwwwful. I don’t wanna suffer for the rest of my life. Read more here.

SPIRITUAL ADVANCEMENT: Ok, I have made some progress this year on that, I came to understand some things that weren’t clear before and realised that this is the only possible path for me if I want to remain sane. BUT – I haven’t had any psychic revelations at all lately, and I haven’t heard voices in a loooong time. That’s worrying. Plus, I need to find a Master soon and I so can’t be bothered!

CREATIVITY: I have certainly become attached to creation – without that I wouldn’t have anything to do basically – so it’s basically what is keeping me alive. If I wasn’t a creator I would kill myself out of boredom – then again if I wasn’t a creator I would probably be a little bit more sociable. But yeah, I have come to appreciate its presence in my life and I have also appreciated my right hand, which is probably the most important part of my body.

PETS: Although the kitty was a great surprise and we love it to bits, the murder of my doggy kinda spoilt the fun :(((

Xmas FUN
Downstairs there’s people – people making Xmas dinner, and getting excited, watching tv, drinking, laughing etc. – I’m upstairs locked in my room. At some point I have to make a presence. But I have a plan!!! I am now smoking an ultra-huge spliff that will numb me as much as it is possible. I will go downstairs all smiley and cool like I have no other preoccupations in the world except make tzatziki. I will make the tzatziki and then sit with all the gang and laugh at their jokes, laugh at the TV’s jokes, make small talk, share our knowledge in celebrity outtakes and the shows we saw last night. In the mean time I will be slowly but steadily be pumping my organism with alcohol. A while before dinner I will be semi-tipsy and go up to my room for another shot of weed. The weed will help me to be hungry and enjoy the food while the alcohol will make me even more giggly. By the time we finish dinner I’d be so full, stoned and drunk that I will have opened my second pack of cigarettes. Smoking and drinking away, everyone will be finally pissed and happy. I will bring down the stash case and make an Xmas-sized spliff for everyone and then everyone will be stoooooned. Ok… I’m not even half way through the ultra-huge spliff and I’m already stoned as hell, so bye. Merry Xmas everyone!!!

-BOOK-

2005-12-13T12:38:00.000Z

Tuesday the 13th, that’s an unlucky day where I come from, hence today I’m locked in the house. Anyway, I have a list of ideas for books that I plan to start writing on one point or another (like very long-term projects) and some that I have already started. The most recent one that I have started is the one about mother – a book I always wanted to write ever since my childhood just because she’s always been such a book character kind of person. Of course now in light with the more suicidal events the book has become even more dark and ugly, which is good obviously.

So… I’ve written some chapters, and I have laid out the first draft structure, and man its bleak! I don’t think anyone would read this, I mean chapters names like “Psychiatric Ward I” or “Hospital Bed II”, it’s some scary shit. Obviously the macabre themes will be balanced with a very cynic/sarcastic tone of voice – but cynicism in the end is what will make it even more miserable. But it is a very depressing story so maybe I should just play along? Or just scrap the whole thing. Would anybody read one of the most depressing stories of all time? It would make a good “The Hours” kind of movie, although that had a kind of good ending right? The Hours actually share some similarities with this story, I remember I was biting my nails when I was watching it. Suicidal mother, gay junkie son, suicidal mother escaping to a hotel room to kill herself, gay son finally killing himself. Nice movie indeed. Barfff!

Anyway, I’m going to start posting parts of the book when I feel like it, so watch this space. Share the misery!:)

siamese twins

2005-11-22T13:14:00.000Z

So I was watching this thing on TV about Siamese twins that are attached on the head so their brains are kind of attached to each other. I mean its really freaky as it is – but there was this particular story that made such an impact.

It was these Siamese girls who are like the oldest Siamese twins alive around 44 years old, and who have, well, their heads stuck to each other. It gets pretty uncomfy as it is, but wait there’s more, one of the twins is impaired also, so the other one who is fine has to carry the other one around as she can’t walk at all. She’s also one fat-ass motherfucker, which means that the strong sister is very butch and muscular so she can carry the fat one. (they’re both fat but she’s like this weird kind of obesity, she looks like a pancake) Obviously this kind of relationship between siblings is quite fucked up. For example they play this game where the fat-ass one pretends to be a baby and the butch one pretends to be its mother – which clearly reflects their relationship also. The butch one is also quite antisocial whilst the impaired fat-ass one wants to have a career in singing (??) so she drags her poor sister around to gigs where she has to stand there STUCK on her sister while she sings hideously – and then she has to carry her back home. I mean what an unfortunate existence these two. It is indeed amazing how strong they are and how they are trying to lead as much ‘normal’ lives as they can.

Anyway, my point was imagine this people’s karma. I mean they have obviously plotted this whole thing from before – why would they choose such an existence? They obviously had a lover relationship in their previous life and this is the clarification of their relationship… but why so drastic measures? The whole symbolism of one having to carry the other one around is just biblical. The butch one is obviously paying more karma here while the other one is being taken care of. Forcing your very existence to be so intertwined with another clearly indicates a very concentrated karma – and a very radical one. They have chosen to be truly miserable, ugly, fat and freaks – and together they have chosen to go through this. Perhaps an example of twin souls gone wrong? Two souls trying to understand each other – to be one another – physically and literally. That is such a weird concept.

Miserabilia II

2005-11-15T13:16:00.000Z

So there was this program just now on BBC2 about happiness – in scientific terms, and how to achieve it with scientific techniques based on said statistical data and psychological research. This is quite an interesting approach, but it lacks the very essence it is fighting against, the governing law of Miserabilia (MB). As Schopenhauer said, “The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom.” And clearly whatever you do, these things will always remain there – no matter how much you try to relieve the pain, and occupy yourself so as to avoid boredom. Instead, you get this amoeboid multiplication, where the trials for relieving pain become pain themselves, and the occupations you put yourself in to avoid boredom, become boring. So it is quite a vicious circle, and a down-going. That is indeed the slow death.

Just watching this program was depressing, and it was about finding happiness! It was so depressing as the basic message that comes out of it is the opposite that it is venturing to transmit – it unwillingly and unwittingly reinforces the law of Miserabilia. That means, that whatever you do, however much you try you will still be miserable!

Science as Religion
The scientists at the program used various techniques to promote happiness in one of Britain’s statistically unhappy towns, Slough. Some of these psychologists/sociologists – almost seemed to be preaching the concept/state of happiness. This preaching almost, dare I say, had a religious quality to it signifying a sociological shift that has been on exponential rise ever since the 80s – socio-psychological science is establishing itself as a new religious organisation, based on ‘fact’ which is itself based on scientific research and statistical data. Since the advent of time, science has always falsely taken itself too seriously and regimentally, almost dogmatically which reinforces this religious aspect. The dogmatic nature of the concept of Happiness is what eventually diminishes its very point – as anything dogmatic is usually explained inadequately and pedantically – presenting itself as an unexplainable natural fact, and usually not based on clear logical form. For example, dictating that suicide is a bad thing is purely dogmatic for there is no clear explanation to why it is wrong to take one’s life – and usually refers back to traditionally religious influences translated into modern science.

Happiness is also a dogma itself in this sense, as it does not really exist – it is merely the temporary absence of misery. Moments of euphoria and good spirits are short memory and chemically induced states that can be simulated with various legal (and illegal) drugs. Excess use of these medicine lead to the very opposite though, showing how one follows the other, or how one always governs and perhaps, allows the other.

Statistical Inadequecies
Statistical data, of the kind presented by the scientists are not very convincing. People tend to lie to themselves on this matter, or even submerge themselves in a state of faux-happiness, general numbness or even histrionic avoidance. To get valid statistical data one must analyse each individual extensively, something that questionnaires cannot simply cover. According to MB, “misery is embedded within human existence” hence instead of looking for evidence and statistical data, science should focus more on the obvious and tangible, that is misery and pain. It is indeed the driving force, yet science embodies this obscene optimism influenced by dogmatic ‘faith’ and ‘hope’.

Scientific Ceremonies
In the program they used various scientific techniques to promote happiness in a small community that had a very ceremonial almost paganistic reflection. Singing publicly was one technique, promoting large groups of people and community consciousness is another technique proved to bring good results. Being in nature, dancing and tree-hugging supposedly helps. Scientists also believe that the greatest reason for unhappiness is the fear of death – so psychological therapy is used that aims to accustoming people with death and how it is a natural process while promoting a feeling of euphoria and gratefulness for being ‘alive’. Others introduce basic rules like smiling everyday and doing good deeds, having conversations with friends and partners and having a good laugh. Still, these techniques have a main flaw – they only work at a very superficial level whereas there is always an underlying MB factor that fuels the need for happiness. In fact one of the major contributing factors of MB is the mere struggle for that unattainable, idealistic happiness.

Trivial Triviality
Just like love, happiness is a trivial term manufactured by mankind to name the unreachable, the impossible, an ideal condition that can never be but is always sought for. And there lies the great tragedy of mankind that leads to its eventual downfall. That need for the impossible, the opposite, the unnatural, the ideal, the fatalistic, indeed the dogmatic. This need is what fuels life, it is its purpose. Without it one would have no reason to live – so we basically structure our whole lives around something that will never be or never was. A myth that keeps you going, just like love, God, wisdom, infinity etc.

Miserabilia vs. Triviality
The Miserabilia Law, takes things from a different perspective. Instead of promoting obscene lying towards one’s self and promising imaginary utopias – it suggests honesty and acceptance. It is ok to be miserable – there’s nothing you can do about it. You will never be happy, satisfied or content – that is just a fact of life. Accepting one’s MB will lead to a more calm, tolerant existence that is prepared for death, pain and misery, recognizing them as its natural necessary processes that aim for survival and spiritual growth. Indeed, there is a direct correlation of knowledge and happiness; the more knowledge and intelligence one obtains the more unhappy one is. This makes absolute sense – as knowledge grows so does the realisation of the MB factor. So one might say that yes, ignorance is bliss, but who in their right mind would choose ignorance over knowledge, despite the negative side effects?

Miserable-friendly society
MB promotes thirst for knowledge, thinking and logic and it aims to diminish trivial terms such as love, happiness, feeling, God, unless they are presented in an ironic context. The final form of advanced MB is therefore cynicism in its purest form, a power far much greater than the temporary trivial states of happiness and/or the obsessive compulsive behaviour for attaining happiness. In an MB society, suicide is widely accepted and promoted as a form of cleansing and rebirth. Suicide, though, in a fully regimented MB society is seen as an obstacle to the true purpose of life, that of knowledge and logic – and would therefore be avoided unless knowledge reaches a threshold of pure MB saturation. The state provides with leaflets and information on suicide, and government funded suicide centres are established where one can get suicide insurance and services. Suicide professionals prepare the applicants for a safe death, and arrange family group sessions where the applicant can explain and present his case. The applicant may then have the choice of euthanasia executed by himself or by a third party of his choice or a caring professional. Post-humous group sessions may also be arranged in cases of more applicants within a family. To maintain a stable work force, MB societies widely promote cloning, where an applicant might clone oneself or a partner. The clone receives equal rights as the applicant, and together they obtain a social contract with tax relief. Clone_parent relationships are introduced, where one can have a literally physical relationship with oneself, one learning from another, in a divide and conquer kind of strategy. A gloomy, purple society, with neon bats flying in the streets, and where the sun never rises. Large white statues cast shadows across the landscape and the buildings are all post-modern. All people are grumpy and perfectionists, but with a killer fashion sense. How fab!

autoSHRINK

2005-11-09T12:41:00.000Z

In the not-so-very-far future, I will decide to go to a shrink. The name of the shrink will be Dr. Margaret. It is a woman obviously as I hate male shrinks – she’s around 35, pretty and motherly. She has quite a posh accent but is very accessible and ‘interested’. She always wears hues of green, and white flowery tops. Her make up is smooth and natural bringing out her beautiful eyes. Margaret ‘understands’. And she will be my new obsession/mother figure/mother-I-never-had type of thing with an obvious perverted sexual attraction towards her for at least a couple of years. This is how it will go. (add soothing female voice for DrM and detached robotic male voice for Mrk)

DrM: So why did you feel like you needed a… psychologist?

Mrk: I’m addicted to you guys, you give that false but wonderful feeling of reassurement and comfort.

DrM: You’ve seeked psychological help in the past?

Mrk: Well despite the fact that my mother was basically like my shrink during my childhood, I was first sent to professional “help” around the age of 15 to ‘cure’ my homosexuality. Obviously my parents needed the help and not me, but I used the time to talk about my general teenage problems and depression. Later on when my mother was going through a suicidal phase, I had to go through psychological support as well as disturbing group family sessions. When I arrived in England I quickly signed up on the university counselling service where I kind of got over the stuff with the suicides and all. And now you.

DrM: So your mother attempted suicide?

Mrk: Yes, a number of times. She took a box of Xanax, she tried to hang her self, slit her wrists, jump off several buildings, and burnt herself completely deforming her body.

DrM: (maintaining her calm) I am so sorry… That must have been a great burden for you.

Mrk: Yes, well, I’m getting over it and so is she.

DrM: How do you feel when you talk about it now?

Mrk: I still find it quite disturbing, but in a detached sort of way, like a very scary tv show that I watched 5 years ago and I still can’t get it completely off my head.

DrM: You don’t feel angry, or sad?

Mrk: No its just that general feeling of numbness, a bit sombre, gloomy…

DrM: So is there something that is bothering you now?

Mrk: Well it’s just that! That gloomy feeling that I have in my life. Kind of like a dark mist weighing down on me. The futility of it all.

DrM: You think that everything is futile?

Mrk: Well yea. I honestly don’t see the point in anything. Why work? Why live? I seem to have lost any objective or motive to go on. Yet I don’t mind living, it’s not that I want to die – if only there was some valid goal I could have my mind occupied with.

DrM: What would be a valid goal?

Mrk: Something that I feel has a purpose. A purpose for what? Can anything have a purpose? I’m confused.

DrM: You mean, you need something to keep you going, a purpose in life.

Mrk: Yes.

DrM: Isn’t there something that you feel strongly about, something you could pursue?

Mrk: Well I like creating. I create just for the sake of creating, for example this imaginary dialogue is a form of creation, but I may also draw, illustrate, write other more interesting stuff etc… But I don’t see creation as a purpose, I only see it as a means to procrastinate, fill all this empty time really.

DrM: Creation can be a very fulfilling experience.

Mrk: I know but only when you achieve recognition, and even then I will feel probably more empty than before.

DrM: You keep repeating the word empty.

Mrk: Yea it seems to run as a theme in this imaginary dialogue/monologue hybrid.

DrM: What about LOVE?

Mrk: (laughs hysterically)

DrM: (makes cutesy wondering look)

Mrk: Well, does it exist? It is more imaginary than this dialogue.

DrM: Time’s up I’m afraid. We will continue this another time.

Mrk: I LOVE YOU… ehm… I mean thank you heh.

DrM: That will be £180 please. (ed. inflation)

Mrk: I have it already in direct debit no worries.

DrM: Well, thank you very much Mrk it was very nice meeting you. (gives hand for handshake)

Mrk: (takes hand and affectionately caresses it) No, the pleasure was all mine Margaret.

Clearly, I miss a good ol’ shrink.

ASTROBOLLOX

2005-10-18T13:18:00.004+01:00

This is my natal chart… it is very interesting isn’t it? Everything is concentrated in the last 5 signs, and especially Pisces and Aquarius. I have Piscean Sun, Lilith and second house, while I have Aquarian ascendant, Mercury and Venus! This makes quite a bizarre combination and if that wasn’t enough it is coupled with Capricorn Moon, Jupiter, Neptune and 9th house.

It seems I have a tendency to avoid the harsh realities either through escapist behavior or self-delusion. This leads to me retreating into my own world, self-pitying and giving pep talks to myself ("Everybody’s Miserable!"). But these periods are rather short-lived and even useful. Pisces seems to derive energy from their (generally short) bouts of self-pity.

Ready to Aqua *******
“INTPs are introverted rationals like the Masterminds but use perceptivity instead of judgment as a preferred method of processing information. These rationals may fare better in the transition from Piscean to Aquarian Age as perceptivity is a quality of Pisces while judgment is a quality of Aquarius.” My powerful Pisces-Aquarius combo – signifies just that – the transition from Piscean to Aquarian. This means that I am in tune with the change of times that earth is going through right now. The difference being that my ascendance in comparison to earth’s ascendance is much more rapid due to scale obviously, which means that I am indeed ahead of my time. Indeed it’s an Aquarian characteristic to feel ‘ahead of your time’.

The Vulcans are coming!
“Aquarians are the "gawky nerdy", "absent-minded professors" or mad scientists but the charateristics that better describe them are iconoclasm, emotional "hardness", bisexual, asexual or androgynous orientation, teambuilding, innovation and perhaps some social anarchy (from behavior that shocks conservative people to a general disregard for rules).” These characteristics also describe the age we are entering right now, and one can say that Earth is going to become fully Uranian or in trekkie terms… Vulcan. Already we are seeing Uranian/Aquarian side-effects such as the re-emergence of a rejuvenated third sex that is fully adaptable to the technologically oriented Aquarian age.

It’s the Future!!
“In addition, we may see a gradual replacement of the icon of Jesus with something that is indicative of Aquarian values, such as the computer, the committee, the scientist, the group, the mind or the iconoclast.” Iconoclasm is also emerging with a vengeance, at least in Western societies and technology is booming. Cloning, artificial reproduction, genetic modification, computers, third sex/metrosexuality/male and female roles fade, globalization, space ventures, and most importantly elimination of emotion, passion and concepts of heroism and romantic love are characteristics of the Aquarian age. For me this future, despite its obvious disadvantages (panopticism, fully mediated environments, singularity) sounds so cool. That’s the kind of world I’d like to live in – I love technology, my sex is utterly confused in today’s terms, and I’m all up for the change of values. The Piscean values suck – I can understand and respect them, but it’s time we get out of the whole religious/war-like situation and embrace technology as our new religion. In true human manner we will indeed embrace technology and it will bite us in the ass so bad we will want to get rid of it. But until that happens I’ll be dead so I don’t really give a shit.

Apocalypse Now!
Of course all that will happen if we manage to miraculously survive what’s coming to us in 2012. The aliens from outer space are coming to save us, but there is a big possibility that we will kill them before they come to save us from our real enemy. And not only that, how are we going to survive the natural (and mechanical) disasters in the equinox precession period of 2004-2012? If we do, we will be for good into an Aquarian Golden Age of advanced bioetheric technology, social re-construction and advanced spiritual capabilities. The next years until 2012 are going to be a preparation for the big ‘test’ which may last up until 2160 – if humans manage to do that extra mile forward, and surpass themselves, they will be granted with the prosperous Vulcan age, if not then they will be extinct to let other life-forms advance where they have failed…

Quotes from:
http://www.bemyastrologer.com/age_of_aquarius.html
http://www.crystalinks.com/
http://www.cafeastrology.com/articles/howtoobtainchart.html

a poem

2005-10-16T16:25:00.001+01:00

DRUUUUUUUUUUUGS

Oxygen makes you old.
Water makes you up.
Salt makes you stressed.
Chocolate makes you sexual.
Bananas give you spots.
Milk makes you queasy.
Fags make you cool.
Weed makes you imaginative.
Acid changes your perspective.
E makes you shiver.
Alcohol makes you sick.
Coke makes you bitchy.
K takes you out of this world.

Homo-Homo

2005-10-06T14:14:00.002+01:00

(I’m a drug addict – it’s a fact.)

Homophobia
Another touchy subject I wanted to touch upon. Especially on some recent disturbing events. One was what I have already described in a rambling somewhere in this blog about those Cyps who didn’t realise I was a Cyp myself and were saying how faggy I was in Greek. The other was with this Serbian friend of Dragana’s who met me and didn’t realise I was gay, so he was cool. Then later on when Dragana told him I was gay and she was thinking of marrying me, he said that that’s ‘morally incorrect’. The third and worse was Polly’s mother telling her not move in with me cause dumdum, I’m GAY. These three responses from people baffled me a lot. I haven’t been exposed to Homophobia for so long that I felt I was in high-school again. With those idiotic middle-aged Cyps I felt my knees completely cut off – it was awful. With the Serbian dude… I still don’t get it – what’s the moral we’re talking about? Religious moral? That’s the only one I can think of. And Polly’s mum? Now that’s DISGUSTING.

Heterophobia
Disappointingly I have discovered that homophobia is still very much present in London, and it is something that will haunt me forever. It’s true, I’m not being dramatic here – it is much more difficult than people may think. It is still frowned-upon, gays are still generally less respected, and are taken less seriously. It is hard to be the gay guy in a str8 man’s world. When I was working at the office I was so fucking scared. There was a bunch of macho and non-macho men, talking about football and girls, they even had a mini football table (? How’s it called I have no idea) which they played with on their breaks. I mean it was like HELL. They made weird noises with their mouths, they all had this obscene macho laughter, talking very loud, using retarded swear words, WHISTLING, making idiotic jokes and wearing wife-beater vests. It was like str8 camp – one of my BIGGEST FEARS. Obviously I resorted to the girls of the office (there was only 2 of them) and to the quiet str8 guys who are always easy to handle. Obviously there’s some heterophobia from my part – but it’s a phobia that came out from homophobia isn’t it?

HomoHomoPhobia
But… the biggest fear I have is not of macho heteros, but of queeny homos. In effect, I’m a homophobic myself – just not in the traditional sense. I dunno, when I’m with a person who projects his homosexuality very evidently and blunty – I just feel drawn back. I am still not sure why so I can’t explain it very well. But it’s clear that I am afraid of a certain kind of gays, as I am afraid of a certain kind of str8s i.e. Macho guys. I have been reasoning that it must be self-loathing, there is no other explanation – I hate them cause I hate myself. But then, I decided that that was a quite wrong deduction. I have to clarify here that I’m not talking about camp guys – I love camp, I am a tad camp myself. The gays I despise are crude, greasy, all they want is cock or arse, and I don’t know they’re just disgusting. Ew. I’d much prefer a macho man – I think. (hey at least they’re hot)

The curse of homo-homo
And as much as we try to deny it, being gay is a curse. At least in today’s age. As long as there is racism about it, it will suck. When that’s gone, it will still suck for other more subtle reasons like for example…
1) The whole arse situation is just a mess
2) Too much sex too little love
3) AIDS
There’s more obviously but I can’t be bothered right now. Incidentally, do visit this website if you haven’t already: GodHatesFags. So maybe I should also add:
4) HELL
Just for fun :)

MRKISM//Concept Order

2005-10-04T22:02:00.005+01:00

This will be an updated list of universal truths as I experience them through meditation, lucid dreams and trances, as well as insights revealed from inspired books.

Law of Kitsch Nihilism:
Zero: Reality is a very complicated order of zero.
Fluidity: We are the creators of our reality
Vicious Circle: We constantly go through theoptosis and theogony.
Dimensions: There are infinite dimensions times infinite definitions of dimension:

Consciousness is the ultimate dimension that perceives or creates dimensions, that infinitely intercept each other creating infinite copies of one another, while being influenced by unthinkable terms beyond consciousness. Consciousness is all and zero.

Dimensions so far:
1. Subjective dimension –consciousness perceives a dimension
2. Interceptive dimension –consciousness intercepts itself
3. Thought dimension – consciousness creates a dimension
4. Holistic dimension – consciousness is a dimension
5. Infinite dimension – each dimension is a copy of itself
6. Dimension X – consciousness is intercepted and influenced by unthinkable terms beyond it.
7. True dimension – consciousness is all
8. Nihilistic dimension – consciousness is zero

We are comprised of multiple personalities/beings.
It is a natural/compulsory process to advance ‘spiritually’
Karmic Leaps – one for all and all for one
Infinity Cells – consciousness made out of consciousness made out of consciousness.

Law of Miserabilia: Misery is embedded within our very existence.

Law of Matter:
The material human brain is finite and predictable
Our world is as real as it is fake.
Matter is a product of consciousness.

Law of Hierarchy:
We are divided into 4 categories of villagers, traders, soldiers and philosophers.
Incomplete religions will take you up to a certain level/dimension.

Tips:
Love is not an emotion, it’s a state of selflessness. (eros » sticking together » unity » selflessness)
One must always be aware of the falseness of it all.
The goal of MRKISM is emptiness, nothingness, zero.
Thoughts, emotions, feelings, sensations are all convertible energy.

Miserabilia

2005-10-04T05:55:00.002+01:00

A title that’s been hanging on a sticky for some time now… but I was waiting for the right time for it. You know, until I felt it. What is miserabilia? It is a law that governs human kind. The law of misery. See, people always strive for happiness. Why? Because they’re miserable. Do you know anybody who is REALLY, really, happy? I don’t think so. I keep having this fear that when I grow up I’ll be this miserable old man… but the truth is, 1) I’m miserable anyway and 2) I’ll always be miserable. So why be afraid? Should just accept it as a natural fact about life. Like death, there is pain, there is misery, and there is nothing you can do about it. Or is there? Why are we miserable? The list is long and infinite… where do I start?

Top20 Miserabilia
1. We are alone
2. We are alone in the universe
3. We are generally useless, meaningless.
4. We die
5. We grow old
6. We have minimum effect over our environment
7. We are dependent on our environment to survive
8. We get sick
9. We get mad
10. We get depressed
11. We don’t know anything
12. We are fucked up
13. We are dependent on others
14. We are lost
15. We kill each other
16. We hurt each other
17. Nobody understands us
18. We don’t know what we are doing
19. We are human
20. We are stupid

You may replace the ‘we are’ with ‘I am’ for more emphasis where applicable. So there you go. Can’t get any clearer than that. I don’t believe that there is anybody out there that won’t agree with at least 15 of these. In case there is a happy bunny reading this, then just go to points 15&16 and think.

Miserabilia Awareness
Religion does not apply and cannot influence the Miserabilia (MB) law. MBs run through the cortex of humanity, influencing us subtly but immensely. Humans with increased awareness of MB, may turn to narcotics, alcohol or sedatives. Others go mad and others go very very cynic. Some a combination of the above. Humans with lower awareness of MB, may experience delusions and erratic behaviour, saying bollocks like “life is beautiful” or “enjoy life” etc., whilst some are borderline wavering between the two.

Despite awareness level or not, MB affects man-kind throughout. And its existence is due to that something that we lack. Let’s try a fun inversion of the top 20 list and see what we miss: unity, universal unity, purpose, eternal life, youth, power, strength, immunity, clarity, happiness, knowledge, tranquillity, emotional strength, love, compassion, understanding, guidance, perfection, intelligence. Sounds about right, my impromptu list was good after all.

Taking control of misery
Need I say more? It’s obvious how miserable we are. Is it the need of wanting what one doesn’t have that leads us to misery? Well of course – we need more, we expect more of ourselves, from others etc, and that’s how we grow, thriving on misery. It helps us move on and on, trying to avoid it but never losing it. Miserabilia is about a moving process, a perpetuating one without ending – whereas concepts like wisdom, love, knowledge, tranquillity, all have a fatalistic/utopian outlook. Miserabilia is the driving force behind our every move. We use its power to avoid it – which is a conflicting action. If one faces one’s miserabilium, one will be granted insight into a new order of things. One will realise the inner purpose of miserabilia, and one will learn to work with it to succeed. Miserabilia doesn’t cease to be a force, an energy source, one that is with us a lot. So instead of engulfing yourself in it, use it, externalise it – and you will be granted undoubtedly new powers. Obviously one must become truly aware of the miserabilia factor in one’s life to be able to manipulate it.

REviews

2005-09-17T14:00:00.006+01:00

The new version of LeBlog has received raving reviews!

"Today on Friday the 16th the notorious mrk renowned for the ambiguous and thought-provoking Whorella amongst other projects has unveiled the much anticipated version 2. of LeBlog. Rumours have been flying for months now, some doubted that mrk would ever be able to rise to the occasion, others were unaware of mrk's intended renovation--but all wondered what mrk would do this time.
A figure that's hard to categorise, a prolific writer, mocker, professional cynic, an artist and a student of meditation, mrk is embodiment of the post-modern ideal. However, behind the seeming randomness comes a focused intensity of interests and attack on previously unquestioned ideals. LeBlog has come to bridge the gap between mrk and his following, or dare I suggest, perhaps accentuate it? But what does the new version have to offer that the older one lacked?

The stylistic changes are welcome--LeBlog is now easier to read and more manageable. It is still highly sophisticated and challenging to the reader but LeBlog will now be more accessible to the wide public. Whilst others might welcome this a positive change, and even though I do not wish to express a personal opinion, I feel obliged to ask what brought about this change. Is mrk more will to conform? Does mrk want to be understood? Does mrk care about his readers? Why is the index to the left hand site now? What does the black hiatus in the right hand site of the page signify? Perhaps the void that mrk feels, a void he is ready to fill in by acceptance by the new readers who will finally be able to read LeBlog? I can only raise this questions without hope of answering them, for I must relief myself of urinal fluid and alas I will lose my train of thought. "

Theogony

2005-09-05T13:03:00.010+01:00

The Astral Egg
Going through the ‘tunnel’, although it feels more like crossing a bridge over a huge loud river, I end up within the astral egg. I have already shed my skin and I can almost see in full 360º. Things are indeed very bright and beautiful here, and are very fluid. I can still make up forms of people, buildings and other things but their shape is not clearly defined, it seems to fluctuate or completely change form. Yet, despite this obscurity, my vision is much more acute. I am bewildered by the fact that no one has come to greet me as I expected. People barely turn around to look at me, although they seem to engage in socialising amongst themselves. I turn down to look at my self, but I can’t really see anything; my mind though is working extra-time so I must be alive right?

Concept Generation Realm
Suddenly the scenery changes, everything seems to have collapsed and rearranged to something completely different. My viewpoint has now become spherical, I can now look everywhere, but what am I really looking at? The landscape has become even more fluid-like and shapeless, I cannot see anybody although I can feel their presence. They’re very far away, yet I know their thoughts. They’re contemplating complex concepts and ideas and show little interest in communicating with me, and rather passively absorb any thoughts I make, as I passively accept theirs.

Universal Brain
In the distance, I can make out the only thing that seems concrete in this world, the peaks of 3 enormous mountains and a fortress on one of the peaks. Intuitively, I start moving towards them, but the distance always remains the same, it is like they are forever stuck in the horizon. I spend time contemplating like the others, trying to make sense of this world. Yet, I seem to know everything before I think it or when I think of something it already is. I watch my thoughts take form in front of me, which makes me wonder whether I have in fact migrated into my own brain, but the other presences assure me that this is not the case although they simultaneously feel the same way. I wonder whether I should return back to the egg, but my intuition urges me to reach that fortress.

The Fortress
I take one final look at the castle but instead of moving towards it, I try to pull it forwards. Soon, it’s here, or I am there. The citadel has 10 gates but only 9 are open, and entering any of the 9 gates leads to different worlds, but they all seem to be part of this thought-creating realm. Each gate clearly separates this realm into 9 different sections or concept-forms or… ideals. It’s very hard to explain this, but each ‘ideal’ world constitutes of individuals that share this ideal, but at the same time it’s them that actually generate the particular ideal. So which is the hidden ideal, closed behind that 10th gate? All the presences of this world inevitably ask this question, some having spent an eternity in concept generation. I, instead, spend time meditating in front of the closed gate, wishing it to open and let me in to its secret.

Behind the 10th Gate
Again, the opposite happens. Instead of the gate opening to let me in, it just moves behind me, or I go through it. The world behind this gate is nothing like the previous 9, here there is nothingness and I can feel no presence. I immediately return back to the outside of the fortress, thinking, was this pitch-blackness the end? My thinking process inside that void had become very limited, almost basic, perhaps it is some sort of purification room that leads to a greater realm, or perhaps it is nirvana itself. I decide to go back to take another ‘look’. Again, my senses are almost completely turned down, I can’t see, hear or feel and I can barely think. I have no idea how long I am there, but at some point I feel this very subtle push of energy whizzing by me, then another, then another. I am not alone here, more ‘people’ are in here trying to make sense of this place. This is not a typical nirvana, for I am not alone, but perhaps this is it, eternal nothingness – or the closest one can get to.

The Rotating Cave
I let myself submit to this state of almost zero, (more like minus zero) as I feel no need to go back to the realm of thoughts, until at some point I feel this flow of sound blowing at me. It is very momentary though as it soon diffuses back to nothingness. An eternity later, it comes back; again briefly as it quickly wisps by me. Eternities and eternities pass, as I start recognising this as a pulsating sound coming back in regular intervals. My complete annihilation of time allows me to perceive it as an even quicker and quicker pulse, until I finally manage to freeze it into one continuous tone. This sound in fact was coming through a hollow rotating structure whose rapid rotation had created this pulse effect.

I enter this rotating cave and forever say goodbye to my previous vision of eternity – it seems I still have a long way to go. The tunnel though appears to be never-ending, and it is becoming harder and harder to move through it. In a number of occasions I even lose the whole tunnel finding myself back into the Nirvana room, and it takes forever to retrieve the tunnel once again. I finally decide to return outside the fortress to contemplate a bit further. I watch as other presences keep going inside the 10th Gate only to quickly return back outside. Others over-rationalise and return back to the egg to live what they consider ‘normal’ lives or to enjoy the ‘fruits of their loins’. A selected few even decide to re-materialise as they believe the secret of the cave is hidden in the material world.

Cosmic Suicide
I, on the other hand, start considering nothingness. Perhaps the cave just represents a message, the message of zero. I start contemplating the fact that perhaps that rotating pulse is the remains of my own desire of reaching the end, when I had already reached it. Perhaps I need to shed everything, the candle, the string AND the flame. I start planning my own obliteration, my own cosmic suicide to finally reach the end. How? I will sacrifice my individuality to nothingness by splitting into infinite pieces of myself until there is none. And so I return to the 10th gate, one, last, time.

Home sweet home
I willingly split myself to fragments of pure newborn spirits, my flame becomes sparkles that quickly fly out through the gate back into the thought realm. And I, well, still am! But what am I when I have shed everything that had to do with who I was? All I know is that from the moment I had eradicated my own existence the rotating cave pulled me within it, and led me to a place beyond any description. A place that was finally home, yet so far away from any concept of ‘home’, I was in fact the home, and ‘I’ was habiting myself. There was no thinking but there was existence. Descartes was indeed wrong. Before I knew it, I missed the ‘me’ and ‘you’ and swiftly underwent theoptosis.

astral causality

2005-08-30T23:45:00.004+01:00

(Summer time and the living’s not eazayyy
Summer is coming to an end. At last. Have to admit, from a mental state point of view, these holidays were much needed. I have finally started to actually live with myself. The past few years had stripped me completely from all kind of contact with my self; I had in effect, forgotten who I was. And I must say, rediscovering myself this year has been quite eventful. Frustrating to say the least. But I think I’m now reaching some sort of plateau, I’m starting to accept me the way I am – and self-acceptance is a big step. I’m not saying I have achieved it but I’m definitely closer than before. It might be a part of growing up as well, but I’m trying to cultivate this virtue – and hopefully thus, acquire the virtue of accepting others. )

Causality -» Astrality -» Pain
I’ve been reading in my SUPERCONSCIOUSNESS book, the most beautiful thing… something very similar to my THEOPTOSIS story, about how things started. First came ideas and thoughts-forms (causal plane), which in their turn created light and energy (the astral plane) which then filtered down to matter. “The astral plane is a projection of specific ideas that were conceived in the causal plane. Similarly the material universe is a projection of special forms of light and energy from the astral plane” (holograms again) It continues on to say how the astral plane is very similar to ours, but because of the absence of density of matter, it is possible for consciousness and energy to be separated into different distinct spheres. Things don’t mix there, everything is miraculously where it belongs, things are clearer lets say. Whole planets there have their own vibrational individuality. I don’t know, but for me that sounds very appealing. I would imagine being more attracted to a causal plane rather than an astral plane, but then again she is in another dimension. For me the astral plane sounds very much like Planet Markoula; I really feel a great attraction for this concept. Maybe when I do get there, I will crave for even higher planes of existence, but lets get there first and we’ll see about that later.

Passive Aggressive Personality
It is also quite obvious to me that this order of creation – causal -» astral -» physical (an oversimplification), works in a very perverted non-scale. In other words, it not only explains the process of the mega-universe, but it also explains the process of the mind; hence the individual is the mind, and the mind is the individual. This is quite a finite theory, as it has a beginning and end, but its nature to loop makes it infinite. In effect, there is no beginning or end, each plane is a product of each other, infinitely replacing one another. There’s nothing ‘out there’, it’s all ‘here’. Where? “No where”. It is just up to the mind/universe to choose its viewpoint: It may choose to be a snail the one day and an astral god the next. I could choose to be infinite reality and then become a mountain range. How? Cause it is all these things at the same time. So why hustle ourselves with spiritual/philosophical/theoretical extravaganzas, when we are god anyway? Well, remember that this process of ‘exchange’ is as active as it is passive. From a mega-universe point of view – which is more like the point of view of “the Observer” this would seem as a passive process, as passive as an innermost thought can be. Yet this thought is granted so much energy from the whole, that makes it a very active process. So again you don’t have a choice whether you will follow a certain path (spiritual, philosophical, Christian, lifestyle etc), at some point you will have to; such is the requirement of this passive-aggressive progression. [see Reflective Consciousness]

Papa don’t preach
I somehow (like to) believe that I have reached that stage in the life-course where it is my time to progress. I feel barely any attraction for this material world, something is pulling me to move away. Father always told me, since I was kid, that he felt I was much older than him, not in human years, but in life years. Perhaps it was his continuous reiteration of this, that made me always believe that I was indeed an old spirit trapped in a kid’s body. We both had had dreams and lucid visions of other worlds, pulling each other up and up to higher planes – and both saw them with a sense of melancholy and nostalgia. Although he has abandoned meditation lately, father remains the depressive-cynic he has always been, he shares with me the frustration of being in a world he has nothing in common with, the nihilism of it all, the futility. He feels repulsed by humans, he says he “can’t stand the filth and smell and pain,” and hates himself for being one of them. An InTp himself, and a Pisces – it is quite amazing how much alike we are. Has this paragraph just asserted my appreciation for daddy-poo? Woops.

INTP

2005-08-25T15:54:00.004+01:00

Me in a nutshell: CLICK HERE
So like, yeah, the accuracy of this essay is incredible. There’s not one sentence that I completely disagree with. In fact there are only around 2-3 sentences in this essay I had to think about, the rest are just blunt “duh” facts about my personality. It’s good to know that only around 1% of the population is InTp, that would explain a lot of things… I can’t help making a comparison to the Human Categories I was talking about in the previous entry. Perhaps this 1% compromises mostly of the higher level people that is the “spiritual leaders”, or perhaps not. I can’t find a way to factually collate the two, but it is an interesting coincidence I must say…

I won’t go into the cliché of talking about the implications of this InTp thing, like “would this mean we’re robots, functioning on some kind of chaotic pattern?” or “could we introduce a social system that encapsulates all this, leading to socio-psychological harmony?” The important question is: could this mean that perhaps we have allowed ourselves to function within these boundaries, transforming us into total subordinates of our own mind?

Human Frequency pattern
Recognising and observing our very own actions and reactions within this framework is certainly a step forward… but Observation and Analysis are the very essence of my InTp personality so what the fuck? Then again, the essence of meditation is discovering your boundaries in order to surpass them. Remember those stupid circles I was making for Karmic breakthroughs? That’s what I’m talking about. Again. And lets thank CG Jung for this cool theory of his – an InTp himself… It is very obvious that human consciousness is in fact just a frequency – and a frequency can only but be a distinct pattern. Can we shift this frequency, for our own personal amusement? If we don’t then that would make us some very complicated machine, perhaps a very failed alien experiment left on earth in its own misery; a futile replicating creature that has no real purpose but to perpetuate its own fleeting kind. Perhaps that is the case – but since I have taken up the rather comical disposition that we in fact do have a soul, then YES you can shift this consciousness and go to other worlds, and meet fairies and unicorns and little green men, and break into infinite masses of light, and become eternal love and so on. Then again, whom am I kidding?

Evolution Revolution Love
See, such is the fatalistic outcome of this personality type theory – that one cannot help but succumb to the predictability and simplicity of its argument. If we accepted the fact that yes, we are robots, we work in such and such way, the following patterns apply, and these are the boundaries of our understanding and intelligence, then life would be easier right? But noooo. Life is hard. You have to work hard. You have to move on and advance. I seriously doubt it if people advance in any substantial level during their lifetime to be honest. I just wonder whether even trying to advance is futile in this patterned predictable world. But then again, perhaps the whole thing is just subject to evolution – and maybe, just maybe, these minorities of people like the InTp’s or the EnTj’s, or the ‘spiritual leaders’, represent the small mutation within the human framework that might potentially ignite an evolutionary revolution –or meltdown. My highly developed iNtuition – is aiding my superior yet Introverted function of Thinking to Perceive the most likely answer to this whole debate – Jung’s theory is in fact reinforcing everything I have been talking about this summer – another milestone towards kitsch nihilism.

THEOPTOSIS

2005-08-18T00:00:00.000+01:00

STAGE 1: Narcissistic Self-Organisation
MRK was once just part of the cosmic sea, a molecule tightly integrated in the mega-process. With no individuality or identity he performed his daily task like all other molecules around him, and was granted a satisfaction beyond language. Suddenly, he was able to focus, not at the major picture but at his own entity. From then point he realised he was a point, time was born. Although still ambiguous as a sensation, time started making sense, thoughts started having an order, and he gradually realised how he was transcending from past to future rather than living in the present. Soon he had multiplied from a single point to a multitude of different points on the timeline. From then on, his nihilistic singularity was replaced with the company of his multiple selves, and his attention was slowly shifting from the major picture to the minor picture: the infinite reflections of his own self. These copies of himself he quickly rationalised as memories, and as these memories accumulated and swiftly multiplied, so did his perceptions solidify. Soon, he became a self-organising thought-process, able to create its own images, thoughts and concepts. He realised infinity, zero and space. He realised that the other molecules around him had an entity of their own and soon the combination of these concepts led to the creation of matter. Although matter had begun as a concept of his self-organising nature, a way to visualise things, soon he became quite accustomed to visualising rather than being. And as his surrounding molecules began to take form, he felt tremendous unity with them, as he knew that they were still part of the same thing, abiding to the concept of sticking together, or love. But as his self-image grew and grew, so did his desire to break this unity and return back to infinity. And here lies his big mistake. Instead of realising that infinity could only come about if he intensified this love until he became one with everything again, he tried to create boundaries between him and the others, breaking free from the inevitable attraction between them. He had, in fact, fallen in love with himself.

STAGE 2: Material Transmutation
The moment he killed love, matter completely engulfed him and he felt pain for the first time. He couldn’t see anything except eternal blackness, and he felt his infinite divinity flowing imprisoned within the hard reality of matter. Suddenly he saw light, but this was no ordinary light, it caused him pain instead of gratitude, and as things became clearer he saw that he not only had imprisoned himself within material mucus, but he was also imprisoned in an obscene material world. He tried to get out of these material bounds that caused him nothing but discomfort, but all he could utter were the sounds of an awful screaming creature. He realised he had lost the ability to look at the major picture and was engulfed within a world of his own imaginings, governed by rules he had created himself – indeed the only way he could retreat from the unifying nature of the mega-process was to immerse himself into a new reality where this unification would not be a requirement. He saw – through a limited view angle – other singularities within this imaginary world. Were these ugly creatures his own imaginings or were they others like him who had retreated into the same fantasy world? To his surprise, he still felt love in the environment, these creatures were capable of it, so they must have been real right? But other feelings swept into the scene as well, both negative and positive – did he manage to also fragment love into little pieces? He felt cruelty and pity for himself, feelings that were once so embedded within love they were indistinguishable, yet now they had a singularity of their own. The horror!

STAGE 3: Complete Annihilation
This new order of things he found himself in, was so much more simplified than the mega-process that it almost did not make sense. The creatures and environment of this world seemed to abide to peculiar rules, that seemed to have sprung from their own tendency to self-organise. This world was itself a self-organising universe where made up processes such as gravity and electricity ruled over matter which in itself ruled over consciousness. Real processes like love had become hidden, fragmented and subjective. The chaotic was replaced with the ordered, even perception was put under a very limiting order. And the most tragic of it all, all these creatures were aware of their own fantasy yet all insisted on its reality. MRK was different than them in one aspect, he always realised and verbalised the falseness of it all, he never once felt that this was the real thing, he could see the plasticity and translucency of matter, he could see that his body was just a package, and early on he could also fly. By the age of 8 he had already written two books, created hundreds of artworks, poetry, and was in touch with helpful beings from other dimensions. Through these creations he hoped he would give a wake-up call to all people who ignored their true nature. Human drama never concerned him, nor did human emotions, he realised how vulgar and crude were these expressions of matter and he refused to become part of it. Many lives have passed since, but still MRK is venturing in the realms of creation and expansion of his consciousness. One day he will return back, and he will be no more.

Ignorance is bliss

2005-08-14T16:03:00.002+01:00

I ♥ Huckabees
So I watched this last night – had no idea what it was, but man what a great cast. Lily Tomlin just rulez. Dustin Hoffman rocks. Naomi Watts I love you!! Marky Mark is very hot in this one too and Isabelle Hupert.. gorgeous.

Interestingly enough the movie talks about a lot of the same concepts one can find in my Guru Specials and I was pleased to see them being portrayed as things comic and trivial… cause they are. This movie is about people with existentialist problems and is interesting how the author chose the same existentialist extremes as I have. Perhaps most existentialists think the same things because such is the nature of this condition?

Bimbo nation
Together with us when we were watching the movie was our new temporary housemate Maria, a friend of my sister. Pretty face, nice body, clean cut Greek accent, refined manners and OK fashion taste. The movie ends, and everybody’s clapping cause we all really liked it (a bunch of fucked up cynics in the room), everybody except Maria. She not only did not like it, she completely did not get it. Too bad I wasn’t in the room when she said that she did not get it cause then she’d become a poor victim of my patronising act I put on in situations like this. I did see her expression throughout the film and her expression afterwards though. During the film at some point she moved to a couch behind us, quite far away from the TV, with an obviously baffled face and an expression of embarrassment as she did not get any of the jokes we were laughing to. When the movie ended she quickly disappeared and went to bed at 12 when she usually stays up until 2-3 am. Is this the swift reaction of an idiot, who in face of her idiocy, chooses to avoid the subject all together? Is this idiocy just a lower intelligence or a person in complete denial who’d rather not think about complicated stuff? I have to add that when we were in the DVD-club, she was suggesting movies such as The Princess Diaries 2, and I dunno what the fuck 3. I also have to add that this is a 26 year old girl, half Greek, who grew up and studied in England.

I’m very fascinated with people like this. People that live the simple life, people that watch movies and don’t even think about an underlying meaning, themes, imagery, and weird camera angles, people that boogie to the bloody CRAZY FROG song etc, etc. How can someone NOT look at the directional interventions of the director in a movie? How can someone NOT question their own existence? How can someone listen to a song and not realise the shitty 64k samples or the fact that it’s a BLOODY FROG SINGING FOR FUCK SAKE? I’m sure that if Maria’s thought process was shifted to this more ‘sophisticated’ way of thinking, she’d, well, EXPLODE. If the average human being uses 6% of their brain, how much does Maria use? Or is she the average? Am I falling in a trap, thinking that most people are like me, complicated that is, whereas the average human being is more like her? And is this a matter of inherent intelligence or is this a matter of environmental factors? If Maria grew up in my house, let’s say she was my sister, would she end up as a fucked up brat like me and Eirini did? Was my environment and nourishment the essential factor for my survival or was it just my nature and genes?

Ignorance is bliss
Still, I can’t help but feel envious of people like her. They’re definitely happier. They listen to shitty music and they jiggy wit it. They think Vin Diesel or Lindsay Lohan are really cool. And let’s face it, they have more fun. The less things you understand and think about, the less annoyed/depressed/confused you are, hence your life is more fun. Despite my envy, I wouldn’t want to be like her, no way. In my ideal world, I am happy because I have vast knowledge and wisdom – ignorance is just not my thing. But I do have one big question. When these people have some time to themselves, some time to reflect on their actions or on their life, WHAT THE HELL TO THEY THINK ABOUT? Is their thought-process so different that they don’t even have the concept of analysis? Don’t they have questions themselves? Simple stuff like, “Who am I?”, “What’s the point of life?”, I’m not saying that they should have complicated philosophical questions, but these are basics. “I think therefore I am” and shit like that. A mind that is not concerned with mind-boggling concepts, a mind that doesn’t question everything and just.. is; now that’s a weird concept.

Ode to Polz

2005-08-10T16:04:00.002+01:00

Poly
Poly you are the best
Poly you are my crest
Poly shine bright
You are never trite.
Without you I am nothing
You are everything
Poly you are me.

Meet Poly, one of my multiple personalities. Big tits, red hair. Likes to be touched. Likes to be loved. A genius undoubtedly, with a vast knowledge and practice in philosophical realms. She is the Earth Mother, water running through her veins. She is one with nature and all things beautiful and pure. She is made out of pure love and sex. She is good and caring yet strict and fair, a Goddess of fertility, wisdom and emotion. She is what I am not, she is me.

a poem

2005-08-10T07:07:00.001+01:00

You are NOTHING
You mean NOTHING
You’re worth NOTHING
You know NOTHING
You have NOTHING

Kittenz are EVERYTHING.

Voices in my head

2005-08-09T09:11:00.003+01:00

The Informers
From Michael Talbot’s Holographic Universe: “When the main focus of a person’s consciousness is on the material world, the frequencies of their energy field tend to be in the lower range… 250 pcs… people who are psychic or who have healing abilities have frequencies of roughly 400 pcs to 800 pcs… people who can go into trance and apparently channel other information sources through them, skip these ‘psychic’ frequencies entirely and operate in a narrow band between 800 pcs and 900 pcs. They don’t have any psychic breadth at all… they’re up there in their own field. It’s narrow. It’s pinpointed, and they are literally almost out of it.” This group of people is what I call “The Informers” and I believe to be one of them.

Chicken voices in my head
This is as exciting as frightening for me. I have had the ability to channel information since I was a child sometimes willingly and sometimes completely unconsciously. When I am inspired to create something, a work of art, a drawing, a piece of prose etc., I feel the inspiration flowing through me in a very orderly fashion, in the appearance of sequential images almost like a movie. I feel that someone is dictating this information to me, someone from a higher level, perhaps a super-me, and this dictation, although very structured and non-whimsical, cannot be explained in human terms. It is like I perceive it in a higher state of mind, and then it is filtered through the much inferior brain, that only manages to pick bits and pieces that are then further filtered into even less refined works of art etc. The scary part is that whenever I have one of these inspirational revelations, I also get sound effects that come with the images. This is no divine music or a choir of angels in the conventional way, but it sounds more like the high pitched screams of a female person, that are infinitely echoed so that it sounds like a thousand women screaming in my head. I have given a lot of names to these voices, such as “the chicken voices in my head” (from Radiohead’s Paranoid Android) and the woman, that I consider my muse since she always accompanies these inspirations, is called Sarah for various weird reasons.

When I was a child I would listen to these voices very frequently, sometimes their duration could span a whole day and they would even continue during my sleep, which led to my chronic insomnia. As a child I was very afraid of these inexplicable voices and of course I was equally afraid to tell anyone. I once told mother which she dismissed as ‘nothing’. When I was around 10, the voices stopped and I stopped creating. I don’t know which came first, but I think it was due to my own decision that I was worthless as a creator that brought the voices to an end. Soon I was convinced that they were the imaginings of a child, and completely forgot about them. 5-6 years later, I resume creation with a vengeance – I am writing prose and poetry, I paint, illustrate, sculpt and photograph – I start writing my own cosmologies, religious theories etc. Suddenly one day as I am taking pictures of a quite mediocre sculpture of a shamanic Eskimo mask I had made, Sarah also returns with a vengeance. Her voice is so intense and deafening I can barely stand on my feet, so I lie down and try to make it go away. I instantly recognise what it is and get an extensive flashback of my childhood and my experiences with it. The intense screams settled after half an hour, but the echo remained. This echo is very important as it may last for hours, and it completely distorts any external sound, making music for example, unbearable to listen to.

Obviously, I thought I was mad and if not mad, then definitely possessed by the devil, since this was no pleasant sound. Every time it would commence, I would cry and beg her to go away, but she would only leave whenever she saw fit, I had no control whatsoever. After many visits, I realised that Sarah would only emerge when I was close to making an inspirational breakthrough. When I have a very vague thought-idea-image in my head it’s like a knot tightly tied in my brain and then suddenly BAM it’s untied and opens up to release the sequence of images and ideas that I will later create – this is what I mean with inspirational breakthrough. And Sarah always seems to appear in these occasions. Thing is, she will choose to appear only in certain inspirations, and when she does appear, I now consider it a good sign, something like a ‘thumbs up’ to what I am doing.

Because of the punctuality of her appearances, that is, she only appears in these moments of creativity and not in any other random moment, I have deduced that I am not as mad as I think (maybe partly) but also perhaps partly gifted. I prefer to view it again as the sides of the same coin, I am as mad as I am gifted since they’re the same thing in the end of the day.

Super-me
Besides Sarah, I have contact with yet another ‘informer’ that I regard as my Super-Ego (see Freud). While Sarah is involved in communicating to me seemingly new images that involve inspiration and creation and reassuring me that I’m on the right path, my Super-ego communicates to me TRUTHS. He presents to me concepts which he then backs-up with evidence and facts, so clearly that there is no room for argument. These concepts I receive as pure thought-forms, so complicated and elaborate that language fails to express them. As you might have noticed in some of my trances I have difficulty explaining the concepts simply because they go beyond any language, even Greek. When the Super-Ego is presenting me with evidence and facts though, they take form of sequential moving images, something like a flashback meets David Lynch sort of thing.

The Guardians
One of the most intense communications with my Super-ego that I remembered last night, happened during meditation. I had just broken up with George at the time and as I was deeply disturbed by this break-up, it was always in the back of my head even during intense meditation. At some point I felt going into a deep state of trance and my eyes rolled up and were flickering back and forth, then a voice in my head emerged (using the world ‘voice’ very loosely) and started explaining to me the most peculiar of things. It said that sometimes when people go through intense psychological trauma (see The Mother suicides) they psychically summon a person, something like a guardian angel to come and protect them and help them through it. It went on to explain and prove with evidence and facts how I had summoned George into existence and how he was in fact central to my survival during those awful years. When his duty was over, so was our relationship, and I was adviced that now it was time to learn to stand on my own. This by no means suggests that George just materialised out of thin air or that he was a spirit of some sort, but in a way, at least metaphorically, he was.

Spinning visions
Interestingly enough, the same concept of summoning ‘guardians’ into our lives was revealed to my mother through meditation almost 6 years before I was revealed the same thing. During her meditation she had a vision (she usually sees visions/metaphors as opposed to the thought-process I receive) that she was flying through a meteor shower with enormous speed towards a huge planet. When she ‘crashed’ on the planet (which was itself covered in crystal clear water) she saw a spinning Yin & Yang disc in front of her. The disc asked her to pose a question, and she asked how she could help her son (she was worried about me at the time as I was in deep depression), the disc gave her the same answer my super-ego had given me about guardian-people and explained to her that a person she had met in her past was her own summoned guardian. She told me of her vision the next morning, which baffled me at the time since I found it to be completely irrelevant but at the same time it made complete sense to me. Did my super-ego reiterate the same concept mother had experienced so many years before? Is this some universal truth?

It is also very important to note that during my contact with my super-ego, I wasn’t a passive observer of the explanation, I was questioning everything he was saying, although instantly I would get an answer that had no room for further argument. What’s also very important is the fact that although in this encounter I was the one posing the questions, I was also the one giving the answers. It was quite clear to me that this answer-giving self was as much part of me as my question-giving self, which makes you wonder, exactly how many selves to we have after all? A further spin on the whole multiple personalities thing (see Multi-personalities.)

One might argue that this experience was just a reflex of my consciousness, a rationalisation of some sort, so that I would get over George. Well, first it didn’t help me at all get over him (I finally did 6-8 months due to a healing power called cynicism), secondly even if it was just a protective reflex, the reality it portrayed is as equally valid as its non-reality and thirdly, my super-ego tells me things quite irrelevant to my psyche – or does it? The matter is quite complicated but it boils down to the same thing again: insanity or spirituality? The line is very thin.